"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful." —Mark 4:18-19.
I haven't touched this blog in a while. I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April. I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it. The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients. And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.
"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."
One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next". Going there was a great, refreshing time. I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me. It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future. This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference. I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida. Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing. I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person. My habitat should be the tropics.
Am I Jonah? Are they my gourd? Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment". Church life is definitely not like conference life. At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon. My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant. There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.
"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me? If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."
But can I just be honest? Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired. You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first. I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God. Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead? But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."
I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving. When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church. Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's. But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in. At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move. And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.
I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry. The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell. Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent. But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.
Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area. One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church. Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors. Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut. One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired. Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow. I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years. But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it? Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family? There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing. It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.
There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him. But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest. The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too. There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest. God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do. But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?
"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".
Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.
