"Anchor of my soul, You sustain."

It's been hard to write for a while.  My pastor announced in August that he was stepping down at the end of the year, but recent events in our church caused him to leave already.  None of it was his fault or directly involved him.  Our first service without him was on Sunday.  Ironically, our church anniversary is next week and we're supposed to have a party.

So I've been on a pastoral search committee for a little over a month now, and I'm working on a redesign for the church's website that I need to have in my portfolio ASAP so that I can get other work.  I'm on the church's finance committee too, and next year's budget will be due soon.  Ministry is getting busier across the board.  Last week, during the circumstances where our pastor stepped down, I was in meetings or on the phone with people every day of the week trying to mediate.  The pastor's job has fallen on the elders and deacons until we have another pastor (interim or permanent).  We should all be busier.  And I'm busier in ministry than I have ever been.

Meanwhile, my business is slow.  This week I'm really starting to pound the market for leads, but I'm making less than a dollar an hour most weeks (over more than 40 hours per week!) and I still have real bills.  I've lost money every week for over 6 months now.  The car insurance bill just came.  One of the hardest parts is having to study a whole new profession while I do all of this.  My savings are starting to take a hit, both for funding the business and paying bills.

But I'll stick to my original commitment of giving the business at least a year to succeed before I think about being an employee again.  There's practically nothing worse for me in ministry than to have a heart for missions but a job that ties me down to living in this state and sitting behind a desk 50+ weeks out of the year or that forces me into a state with an even higher cost of living while doing the same.  Why limit myself to only 2 weeks a year of living with a purpose?

This raises another question.  After all of those meetings going on at church, I was taking a walk around town while listening to a sermon by Tim Keller from Romans 12:1-8.  I think it was called "Everyone with a Gift".  He gave a very interesting illustration from Dr. John Gerstner.  I'll paraphrase it here.

An American woman in the 1930s was saved at a Christian conference at the age of 15 or 16.  Unlike many people who profess faith in such circumstances, she made a commitment to Christ and stuck to it.  She wanted to take her hands off her life and give everything to God as a lifetime missionary.  So she decided she would go to Bible college and eventually go into full-time missions in Asia.  

At this time, single women were not going to Asia to be missionaries.  It was not safe for them to travel there without a husband.  The missions boards told her that she needed cross-cultural training and she needed to be married before they would send her.  Near the end of high school, this young woman prayed: 

"Lord, I take my hands off my life.  I give you everything.  I don't care about a comfortable life.  I don't care about a safe life.  I'm going to give You my whole life. ... I'm going to do all the training I need.  There is only one thing I need from You: I just need a husband."

She went through Bible college, knowing that it would not prepare her for many other careers, and graduated without a husband, no boyfriend, no prospects.  Then she went to a missionary training school, like a grad school.

On the last night of grad school, she still had no husband, no boyfriend, and no prospects.  She said she sat in her dorm room "an angry young woman", wrestling and struggling with God.

That night, she realized that she had been kidding herself.  Pastor Keller said,

"She was not miserable because she had taken her hands off her life.  She was miserable because she never had. ... She had this idea of a noble, heroic life.  And she was telling God, 'That's the life You've got to give me. ... And here's how You've got to get it for me.'  And she was doing basically everything she could so that she could put God in her debt so He'd have to do it.  And she realized, '... I was using God.  I wasn't serving God!  I was telling [Him] what He had to do!'"  

Dr. Gerstner closed his sermon with this:

"If that girl, who spent a third of her life being ready for missionary service, saying goodbye to everything, to fun, to safety, to comfort - to everything - and thought she had taken her hands off her life, and that night realized she never had done it... do you think you have, then?  I doubt it."

Pastor Keller's conclusion was this:

"She was saying, 'I'll obey if.'  Whatever's on the other side of the 'if' is the real thing you are sacrificing for.  And it's not God."

So what does God want me to do about work, life, ministry, missions, ...?  Only He can answer that question - because I call Him "Lord".  If He thinks this treating new career as tentmaking and going overseas for the gospel will give Him the most glory, He will do it.

I have to get to a point where my future wife/asawa/esposa/moglie/patni/soție/vợ/etc. (for the record, I care a lot less about her ethnicity than you might think) is not the real thing I am sacrificing for, but God alone is.  I think I'm closer but still not there yet.  I was just reminded of that again after I went to a great wedding this weekend and caught the garter during the reception.  I forgot what I was supposed to do with it next.  People wanted pictures with me, and then I left to go to dinner with one of my Bible study groups.  Many people think I'm a good catch - my friends, young ladies' parents, and so on - everyone but the young ladies themselves.  This idol must go.

But I have a lot more peace now than I did a year ago when I was taking large paychecks every other week to exhaust myself in a line of work that I had never prayed about going into.

-----

"... who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations,
Praising God instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith.
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land,
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me the strength to stand.
You're my greatest pleasure, yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake.
My fragile life is safe under Your sovereign grace. ...
"At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony and through the tragedy asks himself, 'how can this happen to me?'
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life
but slip because your grip is not as tight as I might like. ...
When faced with adversity your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease and with words you're turning wind to breeze.
It helps me to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain, You perfect Your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith.
And even though it's obvious, when my outlook's ominous
You've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me,
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding.
"Anchor of my soul, You sustain. You sustain.
When I'm in the storm, You remain. You remain -Good to me, good to me."
- Beautiful Eulogy feat. Josh Garrels, "Anchor".
Thanks YouTube for the lyrics.

-----

"Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Like even when I'm with her, I'm itching to get rid of her. And she only gives you one shot. Blow it, and she's gone.

"I took advantage of her.  That's why I'm telling you this: you can't rush her - or slow her down. You better keep her by your side, she will slip through your fingers like sand.  Her name is TIME. 

"She told me a secret: that multitasking is a myth; you're not doing anything good, just everything awful. She begged me to stop stretching her thin, and stuffing her full, and stop being so concerned with the old her and future her, but love her NOW!  

"Her presence is God's present.  And you should be that: present."
- Propaganda, "Be Present".

"If I ever lose sight, come and get me."

"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful."  —Mark 4:18-19.

I haven't touched this blog in a while.  I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April.  I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it.  The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients.  And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.

"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."

One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next".  Going there was a great, refreshing time.  I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me.  It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future.  This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference.  I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida.  Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing.  I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person.  My habitat should be the tropics.

Am I Jonah?  Are they my gourd?  Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment".  Church life is definitely not like conference life.  At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon.  My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant.  There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.

"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me?  If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."

But can I just be honest?  Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired.  You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first.  I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God.  Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead?  But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."

I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving.  When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church.  Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's.  But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in.  At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move.  And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.

I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry.  The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell.  Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent.  But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.

Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area.  One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church.  Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors.  Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut.  One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired.  Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow.  I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years.  But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it?  Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family?  There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing.  It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.

There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him.  But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest.  The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too.  There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest.  God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do.  But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?

"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".

Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 6

51.  I am seeking for the generations before and after me to praise the Lord.  It bothers me to see people who name the name of Christ wasting their lives on all sorts of trivial pursuits and idols, to see them constantly profaning the name of my Jesus by not deeming Him worthy of all praise and adoration.  God did not consume me with the desire to make much of Him in order for that to only remain personal.  Far from it; He has also awakened me to the need of others - both old and young, from every kind of cultural background - to praise Him with their mouths and lives.  "It is the Biblical duty of every generation of Christians to see to it that the next generation hears about the mighty acts of God. God does not drop a new Bible from heaven on every generation. He intends that the older generation will teach the newer generation to read and think and trust and obey and rejoice. It's true that God draws near personally to every new generation of believers, but he does so through the Biblical truth that they learn from the preceding generations. The Spirit comes down vertically (you might say) where the truth of God is imparted horizontally." - John Piper, "One Generation Shall Praise Your Works to Another".  (Psalm 79:13)

52.  I am called to participate in the Lord's mission of reaching every tribe, tongue, and nation on the planet with the gospel.  All Christians are part of a "royal priesthood", called to take the good news of Jesus Christ to those who do not know Him.  Whether I am called to stay where I am and pray for missionaries, or to take the gospel to a place where the flag of Zion does not yet fly, I have a job to do in world missions.  Whether I am able to see God save anyone before my eyes or not, I know that He has promised to save souls from every tribe, tongue, and nation; and I know that, as the only all-powerful God, He will not fail in carrying that out.  (Psalm 145:13; Revelation 5:9; 1 Peter 2:9)

53.  I am an undeserving recipient of the great gift of salvation.  Scripture says that the Lord saved me not because of my righteous works, which were filthy in His sight before He saved me, but because of His mercy.  He grants salvation even to corrupt tax collectors, adultresses, and murderers, saying, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" - the sick in sin.  Even though I have stumbled in ways that American Christendom would consider much more minor, I see how serious my sins are and how much I need Christ's forgiveness.  And those who God forgives of much love Him all the more and praise Him all the more.  Seeing those who have been saved out of a life of lawless deeds is indeed, a great encouragement to my heart.  I can wrongly consider them to still be thieves, drunkards, liars, and idolaters; or I can apply some of the most beautiful words in Scripture to them: "And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God."  (Titus 3:5; Isaiah 64:6; Matthew 9:9-13; Luke 7:47)

54.  I am able to witness answered prayer, and I do not need to be anyone special to do that.  Since I can make requests to the Father through Christ my Mediator, I am on equal footing in this regard with any other Christian.  Elijah prayed fervently that it would not rain for 3 1/2 years.  Asking in faith and according to God's will, God granted his request.  And Scripture said Elijah was not Superman, but a regular man just like me.  (James 5:17; 1 John 5:14)

55.  I am misunderstood by the world.  I follow a Savior who, like me, honored His Father as He lived in this world, and was therefore rejected by the world.  The Lord has chosen me out of the world.  Therefore, the world, which hated Christ first, will see that I am not one of their own and will hate me also.  "Let the world despise and leave me.  They have left my Savior too." - Henry Lyte.  "Don't follow a defeated foe. Follow Christ.  It is costly.  You will be an exile in this age.  But you will be free." - John Piper.  (John 1:10-11; John 15:18-19)

56.  I am a branch attached to Christ, the vine.  He is my source of nourishment and ensures my continued life.  Continuing to abide in Him verifies that I am in Him.  "The plant world was created to be to man an object lesson teaching him his entire dependence upon God, and his security in that dependence. ...  what is its secret? Be wholly occupied with Jesus. Sink the roots of your being in faith and love and obedience deep down into Him. Come away out of every other place to abide here. Give up everything for the inconceivable privilege of being a branch on earth of the glorified Son of God in Heaven. Let Christ be first. Let Christ be all. Do not be occupied with the abiding--be occupied with Christ!" - Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ.  (John 15:5)

57.  I am pruned by the Father.  This, too, proves that I am in Christ.  Pruning is painful, since it can cut off things from my life that were living, that were bearing fruit, that I thought were good.  But the Father knows best, and He will do with me as He sees fit in order that He will be most glorified in me.  Thus I can praise Him even in these seasons.  "And even fruitful branches need pruning; for the best have notions, passions, and humours, that require to be taken away, which Christ has promised to forward the sanctification of believers, they will be thankful, for them." - Matthew Henry.  (John 15:2)

58.  I am saved by a living Savior, who defeated death and appeared alive again to over five hundred eyewitnesses before ascending to Heaven.  I rejoice that His tomb is empty!  "He’s indescribable! He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him. Well, the Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him, and the grave couldn’t hold Him. ... That's my King!" - S.M. Lockridge, "That's My King".  (Luke 24:5-7; 1 Corinthians 15:6)

59.  I am aiming to please the Lord for however long He would have me live.  Whether I live another hundred years or just one more second, whether I should fall ill and be healed like King Hezekiah or taken home, my times are in His hands.  Truly, "All the days ordained for me were written in [His] book before one of them came to be."  I am given today to use this life on earth for His glory.  "If life be long, I will be glad that I may long obey. / If short, yet why should I be sad to soar to endless day?" - Richard Baxter.  (Philippians 1:21; Psalm 33:15-16)

60.  I am going to spend eternity praising my Creator.  How much more beautiful than the new heaven's streets and gates is the Author of the salvation of countless souls, seated on the throne, accompanied by four living creatures who spend eternity declaring His thrice-holiness!  I will not praise the new creation, but Him Who made it.  We will not need the sun or man-made lights to light our way, because the glory of the Lord Himself will be the light.  "Heaven is rightly called, 'Glory'." - C.H. Spurgeon.  (Revelation 4:6-11; Revelation 7:10; Revelation 21:23)

Lessons I Learned from Next 2011

Here are some lessons for my spiritual life that I took away from this year's Next Conference. The sessions did not cover these points, but I thought of them as a result of worshiping God and having fellowship with other believers there.

1. Do not think of corporate worship as a performance where you must be seen by God or others. After a couple sessions, the passion of the worship sets started to get to my head. Before one session, I went down the stairs of the hotel like an arena announcer was about to call my name to get on the court in the NBA Finals. And I had my hands in the air like a lot of other people, but no tears in that worship set. I could not really think about God. I wondered why I could not behold the beauty of Christ or really think about what I was singing. I was doing what I was doing not in order to be close to God and worship Him as I ought, but to get the emotional high and the general sense of euphoria first. Crying in a song is stupid unless the subject of the song means more to you than life.

2. If you see someone who you will probably never see again and you know that they also know the Lord, maximize that short time with them by pouring into their life and being a blessing. Similarly, lean upon and learn from the words of Scripture to a point where, as C.H. Spurgeon said, if people cut you, you bleed Scripture. This can be a great encouragement to others.

3. My "bachelor pack", as Brother Washer calls it, is a great help to me spiritually, but is not forever. Four of us made the trip to Next and stayed in two hotel rooms. My roommate, who has been a great friend to me during the several years that I have known him, will be married by the end of this year. One of the other men has been pursuing a young lady for a year. And the other one seems to meet a new young lady every other week! (Only an inside joke. :-) ) As a career-age single, I know that people get married and move on. Several men from my previous church with whom I used to spend a lot of time are now married and have been mostly or completely out of touch with me since their weddings. (It's almost comedic, the responses I may get from saying this. Even recently, someone told me, "You're 25? You're so young. You shouldn't be married yet!" And I'm sure many people from my old homeschool group would think I belong in a monastery because I am not married at my age. Silly culture! ;-) )

4. Thy bachelor pack is not sufficient for thee. There are times when I cannot continue hanging out in my bachelor pack; I must be alone with God. Spending time with them is very edifying but does not, in the end, leave me satisfied. Regularly, I just need to cordon off certain times in my life and say that only God can go there with me. And this does not come, necessarily, at a set time. I can't just schedule certain times in my life for God to reveal more of Himself to me and leave me undone. My schedule is subject to Christ's Lordship. Sometimes He just calls me to come away with Him, and I must do it, or else miss a time of deep and abiding fellowship with my Lord.

5. I was bolder in evangelism on this trip than I am at home. In my own town, I almost never witness, since my work is very busy and tiring and most of my free time goes to either the church or solitude with God. At Next, around many other Christians, I had a few minutes to explain to a Catholic man at the resort why so many people were there for the conference, and hopefully left him with a better understanding of who the God of Scripture is and why we should worship Him. The conference itself could be used as a means to witness to others in the host city.

6. Sometimes the best worship is just to sing the words of God back to Him. The song I will remember the most from this conference is Shane & Shane's "Worthy of Affection", based on Hebrews 1:

"We are the broken down, and we are the beaten up.

But what could stop us from a song of unending love?

Holy is the Lord!

You are a treasure, the hope, the bright and Morning Star.

You are the Lover of our Souls, and You've won our hearts.

We sing of Your great love.

So we sing. We lift our hands and sing:

"You are worthy of affection!

You're the radiance of all of His glory.

Let adoration fill this place.

You hold everything together

By the word of Your immovable power.

We sing a song of praise!"

-----

"1:1 Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. 3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, 4 having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

5 For to which of the angels did God ever say,

“You are my Son,
today I have begotten you”?

Or again,

“I will be to him a father,
and he shall be to me a son”?

6 And again, when he brings the firstborn into the world, he says,

“Let all God's angels worship him.”

7 Of the angels he says,

“He makes his angels winds,
and his ministers a flame of fire.”

8 But of the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, is forever and ever,
the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom.
9 You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has anointed you
with the oil of gladness beyond your companions.”

- Hebrews 1:1-9 (ESV, emphasis mine).

Retreat Reflections: 2.

After we arrived back at church that Sunday, we had the Session 4 message during our regular church service with the rest of the church present. This message hit me even harder than the others:

1. What justification is and is not. He discussed "counterfeit idols" as described by Tullian Tchividjian. A good summary of those "counterfeit gospels" is here. Most idols lurk and pervade in church:

- Formalism: church activity / "always in church" / judgmental / imposing your standards on everyone: This is what I grew up in. I spent a lot of time around church, especially in the summer because my mom is her church's longtime Vacation Bible School director. But most of the time I would rather be somewhere else, or I would need a distraction such as basketball to avoid being bothersome. But hey, I was always in church whenever the doors were open, even if I never listened to anything the pastor said because I was drawing pictures all the way through the sermons, even in high school and college.

- Legalism: living by rules you create for yourself and others; there is no joy in your life because there is no grace to be celebrated. I grew up imposing my moral standards on everybody and defining myself by my morality. For me, that typically looked like imposing Biblical standards on everybody. The way I looked for a wife during that period was particularly telling. In college I was trying to date a girl who was not a Christian, but that didn't matter much to me because, like me, she was still a virgin and I found that more important than even faith in Christ. I became broken about my recreational dating practices in 2007 because one of the girls offended me so deeply by drinking alcohol on one of our dates - never minding that it isn't actually a sin to drink, only to get drunk, and the main reason why I don't drink at all is family history with alcoholism. Yes, as this sermon said, a Pharisee is the kind of boy you would want to bring home for dinner.

- Mysticism: "Retreat junkie" - incessant pursuit of emotional experience with God; changes churches often. The first half of that describes where I am right now to a T. After I started attending my current church and saw people with their hands raised during worship and I started doing it too, first I was doing it because I felt closer to God when I did and my Christianity up to that point had almost never been emotional, only rational. Sometimes I am only after that spiritual high and not after real closeness to God, real memorization of and obedience to Scripture, and real rejection of sin. And I was almost tempted to switch churches when most of the other hand-raisers left my church due to its shift in emphasis toward sound doctrine and started going to a Charismatic church. Praise God for books like Why We Love the Church, which tell me to be a plodding visionary in a church that faithfully serves Him and gets rid of the temptation to seek the constant emotional high and what I want over taking responsibility to serve.

- Activism: Stands for what is right but doesn't pursue God. This describes quite a lot of the people that I know, including the ones who make 3/4ths of their posts on Facebook about gay marriage. This is an area where, I admit, I'm quite skewed in the other direction. Growing up in a formalist/activist environment, when I got out of that I only wanted to pursue God. But even though His kingdom is not of this world, He does not call me to stick my head in the sand and keep it there regarding the problems in the world either.

- Biblicism: I didn't have time to write down what he said for this one. But an Awana Citation Award in the next room which I earned years before I started listening to sound preaching says that I have roots in this.

- Therapism: Makes Jesus more therapist than Savior and sees hurt as worse than sin ("moralistic therapeutic deism"). I've been around this and felt, honestly, pretty turned off by it, maybe because I am a legalist at heart. But killing sin is very hard to say the least, and we don't always realize what a war it is. Some of my best weekends spiritually, I have listened and rapped along to Tedashii's "Make War" over and over again. But most people don't really want to fight sin as sin, and some sin is rooted in events that happened to them through no fault of their own. I can definitely see why this would be a draw to people.

- Socialism: The body of Christ has replaced Christ Himself. This is the other half of where I am right now with regards to what God has taught me about learning to love the church. At camps I spend very little time with God on my own. At the two church camps I barely read any Scripture except for right before the sessions to prepare myself for worship. I was more content with getting to know other people - a very good thing, but not the best. Sometimes, I just need to hit the trail alone for an afternoon. And thank God for the chance to do that - "wanting nothing in life but to just be with Him, as if nothing in this world could ever compete with Him" (116 Clique).

2. Augustine said that the root of all sin is disorderly love. "No other gods before Me" includes even cute ones and noble ones. Family can be an idol of our heart. A lot of people seek the church as a place to get glory for themselves because there is less competition. For example, people who are not talented enough to join a rock band may be able to join a praise band. Your children were not born for justifying your existence through your vicariously living through them. The worst result of self-justification is that your rob God of His glory.

3. Being a Christian means that you are a failure, but an honorable failure; a sinner, but a righteous sinner. "I need Christ to pay for all of the ways that I tried to justify my life." "At least I'm not a porn star" is not God's standard. When you are justified, you do not hate others.

Here are some things I learned at the young adults camp outside the sermons:

1. Activity can be an enemy of spiritual discipline. Brother Paul Washer actually said this, but I realized this experientially here. After the sermons, I felt led to pray for the other people at the camp, that the points of the sermons would really be driven home to them. However, our schedule was very fast-paced, which meant I had to continue to the next activity. I am not using this as an indictment against those who scheduled this camp, but against myself for forgetting about the need to pray for these people when I got back from the camp and resumed work the next day.

2. True Christian fellowship can result in very deep and lasting bonds between Christians forming over a very short period of time. One brother from the Philippines spent his vacation from law school (March through June there) in the US attending several conferences and serving in several churches around the country, including ours. He is a friend of my pastor from his 5 years as a missionary in the Philippines. He and I only had a few hours to interact during his trip, but our friendship was fast and deep. We were quite open with each other and have stayed in touch now that he is back in the Philippines. Yet what kind of love would drive someone to decide to fly around the world to help with a two-night camp? Only God could do such a thing. And I do have the resources to fly to the Philippines without needing to raise support. I want to fly there and see him again on this side of glory, for my joy and his joy in the glory of God, so that we would not waste our lives but serve Him more effectively on this earth. If we can encourage each other on the internet, how much more side-by-side? I've seen it!

3. There is value in play, even among adults. You learn to respect someone faster if he is bigger than you and you play tug-of-war with a tire against him! American football has nothing on this game; this is anarchy! And I cringed when I saw the tire at the next camp. In a camp with 44 guests plus leaders, it is impossible to quickly form a deep friendship with everyone. But the playing field does allow some level of relationship to be built.

4. I need to expect to sacrifice some of my "sacred" schedule for a camp. This was predominantly a college camp. I graduated from college several years ago and now work in a job that requires a good night's sleep every night. At this camp, we played Capture the Flag in the dark at midnight. Then at 7am we had a morning workout. In between times, one of my roommates played his violin until about 2 in the morning. During the second night, people played hide and seek in the lodge in the middle of the night and were running up and down the halls. I learned at the next camp that earplugs are great. :-)

5. Getting home from a camp is pretty hard because at a camp, other people do most of my spiritual feeding for me. Outside the sessions, I did not have time to read my Bible. So after getting home, I had to adjust to my normal routine of reading, working, and praying again.

Adored, Part 4

"Do not bid love wake until it so desires,
Though it demand all cost from you and fires
On this fallen sphere! Your heart He will reform,
And teach it how to persevere through storm
Of hate of men, and tear your idols down.
Yet those standing till the end receive a crown;
Those He makes to love Him will facedown
Love Him through ceaseless praise in endless day,
Not for a second find Him far away,
Enjoying deeply all pleasures He purveys
To each child who His cross surveys
And throws upon this Lamb their trust entire."

Eventually, she will comprehend love's strength,
Extending past the end of her life's length
On Old Earth, her death-purchased soul to save,
Kept by the Spirit's seal to drown the grave.
His love for her cannot be quenched by wave
Or wind, both of which He created and arranged
To try her, that her feeble faith may change
From one glory to the next through her life's range.

Her Lover saved her broken heart astray.
This time, she bids her Lover: "Come away."
She trusts Him in His ever-helpful care;
Even when His love guides, "Come down from there!"

We yearn for our sight to become more clear;
We fast because our Bridegroom is not here.
The future glory still lingers past our view;
Let us gaze on it, that we may gaze on You!

"Come", the word of love's gracious, binding cord;
"Abide", to hold fast to love our Lord;
Kill the sins that Jesus has abhorred;
The Savior Who came with dividing sword
Paid the highest for His future Bride adorned:
Not many wise, not many noble,
Not many learned and some ignoble,
To prove that no condition moves His choice,
But all of grace, His sheep hark to His voice
And follow Him, to gain a great reward.
Know this: You did not choose those who He has adored.

Adored, Part 3

And He rejoices in the beloved - who?
Beautiful, lovely, majestic,
Overwhelming the Lover with radiant eyes;
Cascading, persuading, symmetric,
Stealing His gaze as His favorite prize;
Increasing in light as she wins in the fight
To be more like Christ and send idols to flight,
Clear to His sharp sight, she has shone in the night.
The crushed and contrite now love to do right.

He goes on with love-drunk comparisons:
Jewels, handiwork, eternal with wine;
Lilies, fawns, His own grand design;
Pools, tower, crowning glory;
More perfect than any stone cut from the quarry.

She asks for the lovers' escape,
That they may check on the shape
Of the fruits of the vines.
And her heart has inclined,
At last, to submit to her Lover on this day;
His cords of love had bid her, "Come away."

As their new world bears new eccentricity,
Electricity burns the air with unflagging intensity.
"Brevity" does not convey their new reverie,
Though devils came at them with powerful weaponry.
They chase after ecstasy endlessly,
Till the next day breaks steadily to end the night's ebony.
God's grace effectively provided the rarity
That they enjoy this true love eternally without any penalty.
The Father, staged centrally, has marked out her destiny.
His Son's death was her sinful leprosy's remedy.
She would then merrily display the King's heraldry,
As He told her with verity and inspired clarity.

"If only You were my brother--", she starts a cry -
He finishes: "You share with Me in the divine!"
"I could kiss You without shame--",
"Yet shame is a proper name
That I'll take in your world. I'll never own a house frame
Or the applause of men when I tell them to adjust their aim
And look on Me. Yet the bitten cannot in their nature grasp
That to be saved, they must regard the Brazen Asp."

She knows now how to feel her Love's embrace.
Yet to the world, why would she claim a man debased
By the tortures of a cross as her own friend -
More than a friend, more than a brother?
Why would she go to great lengths to defend
And have this strange desire to suspend
Herself on a tree too, her breath to spend,
If this world tells her to deny her Lover?

Adored, Part 2

And then she sees a sovereign king arrive,
With more glory than her mind could e'er contrive.
She cannot contain the excitement in her voice:
"I can see him now! This day, his heart rejoiced!"

He showers this youthful peasant maid with praise.
Do we even see the role this dame portrays?
In her wide eyes, we see the church - today's.
Christ the Lover sees perfection with His eyes amazed.

The law screams, "I must judge you with your death!"
Grace, louder, cries, "Dead sinner, have life's breath!"
Justice roars, "Drink My wrath's eternal cup!"
Forgiveness silences the din: "Your garden has always been locked up!"

He sees the resplendent jewels he gave this daughter
As a reminder of why He did not slaughter
Her under His law's demands, but gave her grace -
Her, being all His chosen race, both Jew and Greek -
Not the self-righteous strong, but the helpless weak -
Who see themselves in His light and are undone,
Who turn from wicked ways to kiss the Son.

He has many bigger yards from more well-known saints to darken,
But the Lover stands here right now to hearken
To the call of His dearly beloved in her garden.
And then He says, "This is My garden!
I will not see what the foxes have trodden,
The years the locusts have eaten or countless sins wanton.
It is - you are -
Complete
and sinless
and wonderful
and fruitful
and altogether beautiful to Me!"

And she will look upon her Lover - every saint! -
And see Him with no flaw or any taint
Though His appearance on this earth would not make anyone desire Him.

Yet here, we love Him with such imperfect passion.
He wishes to enthrall us, but we find our satisfaction
In fleeting little pleasures.
Our feet are washed, and off has gone the robe.
Complacently, we engage this present globe,
Too slack to love the Treasure.

Still, by Lover's grace, Beloved wakes:
"Help my unbelief, although it snakes
Throughout my imperfect love for You and shakes,
At times, my faith that You still love, 'spite my mistakes."
Yet the bolt to her door no longer quakes;
The Lover has gone for now, but never breaks
The bruised reed in the shallows of the lakes.
"Faint with love", she stands out from the fakes.

And she waits for His return - whose?
Radiant, wavy, purest of the pure;
Washed, anchored, sweeter than dripped myrrh;
Rods, pillars, bases, all secure;
Choice, sweet, His words the perfect lure.
"This is my Lover, who takes the highest precedence,
Heaven's one High King; gaze with me on His excellence!"

He stands now in a field, gathering the chosen
Lilies from the surrounding lands, as spoken
By His Father with perfect voice,
In perfect submission to the Father's choice
Of whom to bestow His saving grace,
Not those with no flaws in their face,
Trusting in law-keeping, self-sufficient faith,
But the infants to whom He revealed His grace,
To claim for His sole glory their law-place.

Selfish Ambition and the Lord's Work

"I used to want to do it big.
When you're only focused on yourself, that's small.
And they - they used to tell me as a kid,
that I could do anything that I want except fall.

"And now that I recall, I was chasing my goals.
And every time I caught them, they multiplied into more.
I never even thought about whether the Lord approved.
Call it selfish ambition; I call[ed] it, 'I'm making moves.'

"But history repeats itself. Evil's what it is.
'Cause Lucifer was cast away for doing what I did.
Created by the God who spoke the earth into existence,
instead of chasing the Father's glory, he was chasing his.

"He lies to us all - told Adam he could ball,
'Why [are] you following God when you can go get it all?'
I'll tell you what's better, or better yet worse:
Chasing your own glory by doing the Lord's work.

"So holler if it hurts. But we were made for greater.
Our greatest satisfaction is making His name famous.
So if we're never named among the greatest [or] they don't critically acclaim us,
[That's] nothing to be ashamed of. We gave it up for the Savior.

"And you can have the money. And you can have the fame.
For me, I want the glory. I'm living for the Name.
See, life is just a picture. I see outside the frame.
I'm living for a kingdom that I [have] never seen.
And I'm [going to] chase that. ..."

- Lecrae, "Chase That (Ambition)"

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"We must resist the pride that may spring forth from fruitfulness.

"You know, some progress in the Christian life can also be dangerous. That is why God does not allow us sometimes to experience all the progress that we had hoped for because it would turn and work against us in pride, because we are too immature to really be used to bear such fruit.

"Listen to this in 1 Corinthians 4:7. 'For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?'

"He is talking to a very, very gifted Church, manifestations of the Holy Spirit works in all sorts of things and he is saying, 'Now, hold on here. You have got this all backwards. You have fallen the way of Ephraim. You have not realized that all your fruit, all your gifts, all your abilities, all your knowledge, all your everything comes from Christ.'

"And if it comes from Christ then why do you, how can you boast in anyone, but Christ? Christ alone, he is the true vine."

- Paul Washer, "The Vine and the Branches".