I Have Not Love: A Poem on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Let's say I can write by hand in any script:
Latin, Cyrillic, Indic, Chinese,
And speak the words of any of these,
Be a polyglot with a pile of degrees
And teach others to do the same -
An intellectual exercise -
So that we can pat ourselves on the cranium for our fine accomplishments -
As others do in music, sciences, and the arts:
I forgot the most important part -
The most excellent way.

Were angels good enough as I,
They could speak the tongues of men and their own in the sky -
As useless as an endless recitation of pi
To a two-year-old - if we have not love.
A gong's clang, a cymbal's crash -
It sounds like a late afternoon's dash
Through the metropolis,
As the motorway's educated ideologists
Contribute their own sounds to a cacophony -
Ever crazier, blowing horns of various pitches,
Screaming sarcastic ne'er-too-well wishes,
Passing highway salutes to all -
And having not love!

Or I could be a mysterious man -
A prediction-gifted prince trapped in an ivory tower,
With nothing but my answers to each mystery keeping me company,
Thinking that my facts keep the world functioning
And doctrine is power,
Waiting for a similar princess to give me a flower -
When I am really just a frog this hour -
Who has not love!

Or a man with faith - and not even a dreamer,
I dreamt Olympus Mons and Everest were cast down to the sea just because God wanted them to be
And my church grew and sparkled and gleamed
In radiance: "Let all who are simple come in here"
And get programs, sound preaching, even tears
In worship of the one true God with thousands
While I only have the means and miss the end -
Christ - the source - All things made by, through, and for -
Yet I, with Sardis' heart, have not love!

Or a man with wealth - gold on top of gold
On top of platinum, on top of titanium, encrusted with diamonds -
Super Bowl rings are made from me! -
And yet I radically obey
Give it all away to feed the entire world -
For ten thousand spans of life -
And I live as a jolly average soul
And enjoy the tax breaks -
Or if I give my body from my fame
To be swallowed in ever-climbing flames
"For the sake of Your holy, precious name" -
And have not love?

I am nothing.
The Creator of music calls me noise.
The Author of knowledge deems me a fool.
The Source of true prophecy declares me a fraud.
The God of compassion says I poisoned the least of these.
The Lord who bid me come and die sees no gain in my loss.
I would be better off to never live than to never love -
As He tears the veil and shows -
I have not love -
Nor Him who is it.
In the end, none will twist His perfect love
To point back to themselves and steal His glory.

Let not the sophic man boast of his scholarship
Or the sculpted strut of his sinew
Or the opulent vaunt of his affluence
But let anyone -
Learned or simple,
Atlas' arm or Achilles' heel,
Living large or destitute -
Boast in this:
That they understand and know
Their Maker, the Source of love.

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The texts for this poem, as taken from the New American Standard Bible, are below.  Emphasis mine:

1 Corinthians 13:1-3:
 1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Jeremiah 9:23-24:

23 Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 6

51.  I am seeking for the generations before and after me to praise the Lord.  It bothers me to see people who name the name of Christ wasting their lives on all sorts of trivial pursuits and idols, to see them constantly profaning the name of my Jesus by not deeming Him worthy of all praise and adoration.  God did not consume me with the desire to make much of Him in order for that to only remain personal.  Far from it; He has also awakened me to the need of others - both old and young, from every kind of cultural background - to praise Him with their mouths and lives.  "It is the Biblical duty of every generation of Christians to see to it that the next generation hears about the mighty acts of God. God does not drop a new Bible from heaven on every generation. He intends that the older generation will teach the newer generation to read and think and trust and obey and rejoice. It's true that God draws near personally to every new generation of believers, but he does so through the Biblical truth that they learn from the preceding generations. The Spirit comes down vertically (you might say) where the truth of God is imparted horizontally." - John Piper, "One Generation Shall Praise Your Works to Another".  (Psalm 79:13)

52.  I am called to participate in the Lord's mission of reaching every tribe, tongue, and nation on the planet with the gospel.  All Christians are part of a "royal priesthood", called to take the good news of Jesus Christ to those who do not know Him.  Whether I am called to stay where I am and pray for missionaries, or to take the gospel to a place where the flag of Zion does not yet fly, I have a job to do in world missions.  Whether I am able to see God save anyone before my eyes or not, I know that He has promised to save souls from every tribe, tongue, and nation; and I know that, as the only all-powerful God, He will not fail in carrying that out.  (Psalm 145:13; Revelation 5:9; 1 Peter 2:9)

53.  I am an undeserving recipient of the great gift of salvation.  Scripture says that the Lord saved me not because of my righteous works, which were filthy in His sight before He saved me, but because of His mercy.  He grants salvation even to corrupt tax collectors, adultresses, and murderers, saying, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" - the sick in sin.  Even though I have stumbled in ways that American Christendom would consider much more minor, I see how serious my sins are and how much I need Christ's forgiveness.  And those who God forgives of much love Him all the more and praise Him all the more.  Seeing those who have been saved out of a life of lawless deeds is indeed, a great encouragement to my heart.  I can wrongly consider them to still be thieves, drunkards, liars, and idolaters; or I can apply some of the most beautiful words in Scripture to them: "And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God."  (Titus 3:5; Isaiah 64:6; Matthew 9:9-13; Luke 7:47)

54.  I am able to witness answered prayer, and I do not need to be anyone special to do that.  Since I can make requests to the Father through Christ my Mediator, I am on equal footing in this regard with any other Christian.  Elijah prayed fervently that it would not rain for 3 1/2 years.  Asking in faith and according to God's will, God granted his request.  And Scripture said Elijah was not Superman, but a regular man just like me.  (James 5:17; 1 John 5:14)

55.  I am misunderstood by the world.  I follow a Savior who, like me, honored His Father as He lived in this world, and was therefore rejected by the world.  The Lord has chosen me out of the world.  Therefore, the world, which hated Christ first, will see that I am not one of their own and will hate me also.  "Let the world despise and leave me.  They have left my Savior too." - Henry Lyte.  "Don't follow a defeated foe. Follow Christ.  It is costly.  You will be an exile in this age.  But you will be free." - John Piper.  (John 1:10-11; John 15:18-19)

56.  I am a branch attached to Christ, the vine.  He is my source of nourishment and ensures my continued life.  Continuing to abide in Him verifies that I am in Him.  "The plant world was created to be to man an object lesson teaching him his entire dependence upon God, and his security in that dependence. ...  what is its secret? Be wholly occupied with Jesus. Sink the roots of your being in faith and love and obedience deep down into Him. Come away out of every other place to abide here. Give up everything for the inconceivable privilege of being a branch on earth of the glorified Son of God in Heaven. Let Christ be first. Let Christ be all. Do not be occupied with the abiding--be occupied with Christ!" - Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ.  (John 15:5)

57.  I am pruned by the Father.  This, too, proves that I am in Christ.  Pruning is painful, since it can cut off things from my life that were living, that were bearing fruit, that I thought were good.  But the Father knows best, and He will do with me as He sees fit in order that He will be most glorified in me.  Thus I can praise Him even in these seasons.  "And even fruitful branches need pruning; for the best have notions, passions, and humours, that require to be taken away, which Christ has promised to forward the sanctification of believers, they will be thankful, for them." - Matthew Henry.  (John 15:2)

58.  I am saved by a living Savior, who defeated death and appeared alive again to over five hundred eyewitnesses before ascending to Heaven.  I rejoice that His tomb is empty!  "He’s indescribable! He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him. Well, the Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him, and the grave couldn’t hold Him. ... That's my King!" - S.M. Lockridge, "That's My King".  (Luke 24:5-7; 1 Corinthians 15:6)

59.  I am aiming to please the Lord for however long He would have me live.  Whether I live another hundred years or just one more second, whether I should fall ill and be healed like King Hezekiah or taken home, my times are in His hands.  Truly, "All the days ordained for me were written in [His] book before one of them came to be."  I am given today to use this life on earth for His glory.  "If life be long, I will be glad that I may long obey. / If short, yet why should I be sad to soar to endless day?" - Richard Baxter.  (Philippians 1:21; Psalm 33:15-16)

60.  I am going to spend eternity praising my Creator.  How much more beautiful than the new heaven's streets and gates is the Author of the salvation of countless souls, seated on the throne, accompanied by four living creatures who spend eternity declaring His thrice-holiness!  I will not praise the new creation, but Him Who made it.  We will not need the sun or man-made lights to light our way, because the glory of the Lord Himself will be the light.  "Heaven is rightly called, 'Glory'." - C.H. Spurgeon.  (Revelation 4:6-11; Revelation 7:10; Revelation 21:23)

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 4

Manigong Bagong Taon sa iyo mula sa Pilipinas!  This is my first post from the Philippines, hopefully out of a few.  This has been my first time ever taking a vacation of at least a full week from work, and it is long overdue.  I have been here for about a week now.  The trip has gone well so far.  I've gotten some more ideas for things to do if I get to come back, most notably more island-hopping.

I was also pleased to see that December 2011 has been my highest-traffic month ever on this blog.  What a nice note for ending the year!  Whether you are a search indexer or a human - and I hope you are a human ;-) - thank you for reading this, and I hope you find that the posts here point you to the real gospel and push you to better know the God of the Bible.

Amidst sorting out the many photos so far from the trip, I have not had time to write an original post, so here is the next post in the "Identities" series.

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31.  I am hoping in Christ, not wealth.  The false prosperity gospel has taught that God will automatically rain expensive worldly possessions and a complete lack of illness on those who have enough faith, but some others, in reaction to this, have faith in God's salvation of their souls but not in God giving them any other sort of blessing.  But a God-focused faith teaches us that God does provide for what we need and He promises us many sorts of blessings.  Uniquely to us, this includes spiritual blessings.  "Our faith doesn't create prosperity, healings, and breakthroughs.  Our faith focuses fervently on God.  Biblical faith confidently - even ambitiously - asks God to act according to His promises.  True faith then accepts the answer.  Our faith stands on the unchanging character of God." - Dave Harvey, Rescuing Ambition.  (Ephesians 1:3; 1 Timothy 6:17)

32.  I am guaranteed persecution, at least to some level, for knowing Christ.  Yet God receives me even when others reject me.  "There is a great gulf between the Christianity that wrestles with whether to worship at the cost of imprisonment and death and the Christianity that wrestles with whether the kids should play soccer on Sunday morning." - John Piper, quoted in Dave Harvey, Rescuing Ambition.  (Psalm 27:10; 2 Timothy 3:12)

33.  I am confident to approach God's throne of grace, thanks to my High Priest, Jesus Christ.  The Lion of Judah is not even descended from Levi, but the Father has chosen Him to be my Mediator.  "Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea: the Great High Priest whose name is Love, who ever lives and pleads for me!" - Charitie Bancroft, "Before the Throne of God Above".  (Hebrews 4:14-16; Hebrews 7:14; 1 Timothy 2:5)

34.  I am sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.  This faith is in Christ, not misdirected to earthly things or wealth.  "We need an anchor to keep us sure and steady. Gospel hope is our anchor in the storms of this world. It is sure and steadfast, or it could not keep us so. The free grace of God, the merits and mediation of Christ, and the powerful influences of his Spirit, are the grounds of this hope, and so it is a steadfast hope." - Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible.  (Hebrews 11:1; Hebrews 6:11-20)

35.  I am disciplined by my Heavenly Father, as His legitimate child.  I should not shy away from it, but should learn what the Lord is teaching me through it.  As my perfect Father, God will not leave me to my own devices when I sin against Him.  He cares about my staying on the right path and aims to purify my heart and sanctify me.  In order to show that I am God's workmanship, His masterpiece, He must cut away at me and mold me to reflect Him.  "If You love me, God, then chasten me." - DJ Official, "Chisel Me".  (Hebrews 12:7-11)

36.  I am intolerant of false gospels, called to separate from false teachers (who differ from me on closed-hand issues, such as the deity of Christ) and not welcome them or help their ministries.  The Lord Jesus Christ suffered and died for my sins, and God commands me to turn from my sins, not to other sins, but to Christ - to love what He loves and hate what He hates, which is a work that He must supernaturally do in me.  Realizing something of the cost that the Lord Jesus paid for my sins and the truth of this gospel makes me deeply grieved when false teachers add to it by saying that there are any good works I can do to gain salvation, reduce it by saying "Pray this prayer to accept Jesus into your little heart", or twist it to say that Christ died to give me better self-esteem or health and wealth.  "Avoid a sugared Gospel as you would shun sugar of lead. Seek that Gospel which rips up and tears and cuts and wounds and hacks and even kills, for that is the Gospel that makes alive again. And when you have found it, give good heed to it. Let it enter into your inmost being. As the rain soaks into the ground, so pray the Lord to let His Gospel soak into your soul." - C.H. Spurgeon on sugarcoating the gospel.  (Galatians 1:8; 2 John 1:7-11)

37.  I am committing my way to the Lord.  The true believer finds the yoke of obedience to Christ light and can rest in knowing that they have obeyed Him.  My only job is to do what He says when He calls.  He knows what I need and promises to sustain me.  "The ploughman sows and harrows, and then leaves the harvest to God. What can he do else? He cannot cover the heavens with clouds, or command the rain, or bring forth the sun or create the dew. He does well to leave the whole matter with God; and so to all of us it is truest wisdom, having obediently trusted in God, to leave results in His hands, and expect a blessed issue." - C.H. Spurgeon, The Treasury of David.  (Psalm 37:5)

38.  I am in first love with the Lord, whether I realize it or not.  All new Christians have a stage where they have great passion for the Lord and little knowledge of theology.  But many lose this first love as they tie themselves up in meting out God's law to others - and in some cases adding to it - without giving them grace or being sidetracked by this present world and its little pleasures.  "The sin Christ charged this church with, is, not the having left and forsaken the object of love, but having lost the fervent degree of it that at first appeared. Christ is displeased with his people, when he sees them grow remiss and cold toward him. Surely this mention in Scripture, of Christians forsaking their first love, reproves those who speak of it with carelessness, and thus try to excuse indifference and sloth in themselves and others; our Saviour considers this indifference as sinful. They must repent: they must be grieved and ashamed for their sinful declining, and humbly confess it in the sight of God. They must endeavour to recover their first zeal, tenderness, and seriousness, and must pray as earnestly, and watch as diligently, as when they first set out in the ways of God." - Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible.  (Revelation 2:2-4)

39.  I am guided as God sees fit to various geographic locations in order to make His name famous.  My Savior was homeless while He lived on earth.  Therefore, my happiness in Him cannot be tied to any earthly home.  "To me remains nor place nor time / My country is in every clime / I can be free from any care / On any shore, since God is there. / While place we seek, or place we shun, / This soul finds happiness in none. / But with a God to guide our way, / 'Tis equal joy to go or stay." - Madame Guyon, "My Lord, How Full of Sweet Content".  (Luke 9:58; Acts 1:8)

40.  I am dearly loved with an everlasting and unfailing love.  The love of the Lord for me is far greater than any love that I can have for Him.  "I find it very hard to sing about my love for God. ... For the most part you will just hear me sort of silent.  This puny thing I have, if you were to compare my love for God to the love that other men have had for God... I would be nowhere near the top. ... And then if I were to take my love [for God] and compare it to God's love for me, how could I even say, 'Oh, how I love You'?  But look what He says.  'How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!'  Love truly does cover a multitude of sins." - Paul Washer, "You Are Dearly Loved by God".  (Psalm 21:7; Song of Solomon 4:10)

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 3

21.  I am differently driven.  Exhorted to do nothing out of selfish ambition, I must humbly seek to glorify God in everything I do.  This does not mean throwing away all ambitious dreams, but sanctifying them.  "Sometimes God brings our dreams to life; sometimes He doesn't.  But how we respond to His work creates an important intersection for change in our lives.  As we cooperate with Him, we discover that it's not ultimately about nailing the promotion, or raising well-behaved kids, or winning the Daytona 500 - as good as all of those things may be.  It's about something much bigger: how I become like Christ while I pursue these dreams." - Dave Harvey, Rescuing Ambition.  (Philippians 2:3)

22.  I am on the Lord's side.  This means that, particularly in times of distress, He gives me triumph over those who hate me and stand against me.  Nothing happens to anyone, believer or unbeliever, outside God's control.  But since I am His child, my Father in Heaven actively fights for me against my enemies.  "God will repay.  You cannot improve upon His justice.  He sees every angle of the evil against you - far better than you can see it.  His justice will be more thorough than any justice you could administer." - John Piper, Future Grace.  (Psalm 118:6-7, Romans 8:31-33).

23.  I am a hyper-conqueror through Him Who loved me.  The Lord gives me a most glorious victory in any trial, whether tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger, or sword.  Nothing can separate me from His love, as He is sovereign over all as the Creator and Sustainer of all things.  "They [trials] have the effect of making us super conquerors because in those times of weakness we are infused with divine strength.  Those trials work to our greater good.  They work to our eternal glory." - John MacArthur, "The Challenges to Christian Invincibility".  (Romans 8:37)

24.  I am looking forward to a different world, whose architect and builder is God.  Rather than living for this world, I look forward to another world and lay up my treasures there, not here.  Rather than looking to this world for ultimate satisfaction, I look forward to another world that is uncontaminated by idolatry, misdirected ambitions, and other forms of sin.  To me, heaven is wonderful because God is there; I would not want to spend eternity in a wonderful place without Him.  "Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power; might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of." - Jonathan Edwards, "The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards".  (Matthew 6:20; Hebrews 11:10)

25.  I am growing in God's grace and knowledge, aiming to have a faith in Him that is both zealous and intelligent.  Far from a call to put rational thought on hold, God calls me to discover more of the truth about Himself that He has spent 66 books revealing.  In addition to commanding me to love Him with my heart, soul, and strength, Christ also exhorts me to love Him with my mind.  "God's gift of understanding is through thinking, not instead of thinking." - John Piper, God's Passion for His Glory.  (Luke 10:27; Philippians 1:9-11; Romans 12:11; 2 Peter 3:18)

26.  I am forgiven of much, and I must forgive much.  My sins, regardless of their presumed severity and impact upon others, helped make the death of Christ necessary for my salvation.  Even a wayward thought, which no one sees and no one knows that I have had, is a sin against a holy God if not taken captive outright.  Even the smallest misdeed, when set against the background of a great Savior's tremendous sacrifice for it, is something that screams out of my life, "I need a Savior!"  How can I then say that I have the right to not forgive another person's wrongs against me?  "But even if he is absolutely fully to blame we still have to forgive him; and even if ninety-nine percent of his apparent guilt can be explained away by really good excuses, the problem of forgiveness begins with the one percent of guilt which is left over.  To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian character; it is only fairness.  To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory.  "No prayers can be heard which do not come from a forgiving heart." - J.C. Ryle.  (Luke 7:41-48; Colossians 3:13)

27.  I am rejoicing when I see my brothers standing firm in the Lord.  Though it needs to be self-focused in the sense that I need to watch myself regarding sin and spending time with and obeying the Lord, the focus of my faith does not stop with me.  Even when my walk with Christ shows little progress, seeing others' faith not waver, particularly as they endure trials, is an encouragement to my faith.  (1 Thessalonians 3:8)

28.  I am finding Christ in common with other believers, even when their other interests do not match mine.  Such friendships are possible because commonality in Christ takes precedence over all worldly interests.  Even when I cannot speak the same languages that they speak, our devotion to Christ marks us out; as many missionaries can attest, they can tell when they are in the presence of brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I am hopeful that God will make my godly fellowship with other believers possible on a more worldwide scale.  (1 Thessalonians 3:11)

29.  I am a Jew under the new covenant.  In the old covenant, Jews had to be Jews outwardly through circumcision.  The new covenant changed our understanding of how the law is fulfilled because Christ fulfilled the law.  Many Jews in the outward sense opposed Christ and His ministry.  The true circumcision is not of flesh but of heart.  "... Christ Himself is 'the seed' of Abraham (Galatians 3:16), so that being in Christ means being Abraham's 'seed', and, therefore, heirs of the promise (Galatians 3:29, 16). ... So knowing that we non-Jews are 'latecomers' to the covenant of Abraham and that we are nevertheless loved as full fellow-heirs should humble us and give us hope.  Humble hope in the Messiah, Jesus Christ, is the aim of all redemption.  For humility puts us in our lowly place of happy dependence, and hope puts God in His exalted place of glorious mercy." - John Piper, Taste and See.  (Romans 2:29)

30.  I am serving a perfect Master.  The world serves masters that will ultimately fail them: money, sex, power, pleasure in self, even family and goodwill.  These masters will fail them because the God over all, Who gave them life and breath and the ability to chase these things, will not allow them or anyone else to steal His glory.  He will be ultimately glorified in the end.  And no one can serve two masters.  He will hate one, even if it is something good that he is doing for the wrong reasons, and love the other.  Or he will hate the other and love the one.  "And I don't want to change on the so called spiritual level. I want to change in the inner chambers of my heart. That even His thoughts the deepest expression of who He is; it was his desire that they be according to the will of almighty God. The freest man on the face of the earth is the one who makes himself a slave to a perfect master. Where has God been wrong, and where has He wronged you? Has there ever been a time when listened to Him? When you obeyed Him, when you sought out His will that He has misled you somehow? "Never!" But have you ever followed your own ways and been mislead by your own devices? Always." - Paul Washer, "This Is War".  (Luke 16:13).

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This might be my last post before I go to the Philippines, depending on how much time I have to write on my upcoming trips.  In case I don't get to write again before or on Christmas, merry Christmas and happy New Year (maligayang Pasko, at manigong Bagong Taon!).

This trip is the first "vacation" I have ever prepared for by prayer and fasting.  I don't know whether to call it a vacation or a missions trip, or some of both.  My hosts and I will go do some fun stuff and sightseeing.  I also have a long Bible study prepared to present for the annual kickoff of my main host's Bible study group.  Last Friday, I did a test run of it for three other men in my Bible study who are also leaders in our church.  It was well-received, and their comments were helpful.  Lord willing, I will go verse-by-verse through a passage of 1 John and also look at Philemon.  I have a full verse-by-verse lesson on Philemon prepared too, but it does not align well with the topic of the study, so I will shorten it unless people want to hear the whole thing.  After I give the study lesson, I plan to post it here.  I'm sure I will also want to write about my trip.  So I don't know if the next post during or after the trip will be "Identities... Part 4" or something else. :-)

Lord willing, I will also see at least one of the children that I have sponsored there.  He is a college student, though he is taking some time off from that so that his parents can support putting one of his older brothers through college.  Please pray that I will minister well to everyone I get to meet in the Philippines, that I will live the gospel life before them and in private, that I will grow in the Lord and that I will set for them a good example of Christlike character and manhood.

"'I am going down into the pit; you hold the ropes', said Carey, the pioneer missionary. They that hold the ropes, and the daring miner that swings away down in the darkness, are one in work, may be one in the motive, and, if they are, shall be one in the reward. "

- Alexander MacLaren.

Shakespearean Sonnet: Get Wisdom.

Pay any price, that wisdom you attain

And go great lengths to bend your ear to hear

The cry of wisdom, calling o'er terrain

Nearby and far, to warn from future tears.

Prize understanding, wisdom's confidant

For knowledge works with prudence, hand in hand;

Defend yourself from growing nonchalant

Or callous to the Scripture's reprimand.

Embrace discernment; honor comes with grace,

A garland given you with beauty's crown;

Find satisfaction when you can retrace

Your days and know she did not let you down!

Heed caution's tales, replete from foolish choice

Of rebels, shunning cries of Wisdom's voice!

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The text for this sonnet is Proverbs 4:1-12, copied below from the New American Standard Bible:

1 Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,
And give attention that you may gain understanding,

2 For I give you sound teaching;
Do not abandon my instruction.

3 When I was a son to my father,
Tender and the only son in the sight of my mother,

4 Then he taught me and said to me,
“Let your heart hold fast my words;
Keep my commandments and live;

5 Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding!
Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth.

6 “Do not forsake her, and she will guard you;
Love her, and she will watch over you.

7 “The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;
And with all your acquiring, get understanding.

8 “Prize her, and she will exalt you;
She will honor you if you embrace her.

9 “She will place on your head a garland of grace;
She will present you with a crown of beauty.”

10 Hear, my son, and accept my sayings
And the years of your life will be many.

11 I have directed you in the way of wisdom;
I have led you in upright paths.

12 When you walk, your steps will not be impeded;
And if you run, you will not stumble.

Recent Meditations: What I Have Been Reading and Listening To

A few things have happened in my life recently. Two weekends ago, I finally finished reading Future Grace by John Piper and started reading The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott. Future Grace was an amazing read, and I have now lent it to another young man in my small group. The main point in it that has applied to me this year was that, although thoughts of depression are common in the Christian life, allowing them to stay there and sink into a state of despondency is a sin that I must make war against. Christ made war against despondency as He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane while His disciples slept. Charles Spurgeon, the Prince of Preachers, likewise made war against despondency as depression came up very frequently in his Christian life.

Obeying this exhortation to make war against despondency brought me to conviction about the music that I was listening to. On this blog I have occasionally made much of my collection of gospel rap and worship music, but I also listened to a lot of secular metal, industrial music, and depressing rock music that all contained lyrics that, while not objectionable on the surface, fostered depressed and discontent attitudes in me that allowed me to remain in despair and unbelief in the goodness and faithfulness of God. The day that I finished Future Grace, I deleted over 900 songs from my iPod. (Please note: I did not do this as a legalistic statement against listening to secular music. I am not going to legislate that my fellow Christians must do the same thing or else they are not holy. In fact, I did not delete all of my secular music, only that which caused me to sin. I still have a great deal of mostly instrumental trance music, worldbeat music, and other secular music that does not cause me to sin.)

Some would question my decision to read books like The Exemplary Husband. I am not married and not courting anyone. However, the obligations of Biblical manhood that can apply to single men still apply to me. And it is actually refreshing to me to read a book about marriage that does not rely on worldly wisdom. I first heard of this book because Brother Paul Washer has mentioned it in numerous sermons about the family. And I realize that husbands will find this book convicting in different ways than I will, but it is convicting even to me as I consider whether and how I live too casually with respect to the gravity of God's glory.

Last Sunday, my church also voted on its first deacons. I was chosen along with six others, and several more people were nominated for deacon and elder roles. For now, I am one of the two youngest deacons and the only one who is not married or engaged. The roles of deacons in my church are to serve the church, serve as a point of contact for ministries (as a go-between for our pastor/elders and those in charge of ministries, for accountability), and provide Biblical counseling for families in the church. Please pray that all of us as well as our pastor and elders will serve God and the body of Christ for His glory and not our own, in a way that God will find us faithful to Him and His Word.

My church was also quite blessed to collaborate with several other churches around our region yesterday for a quarterly Olympic Games "in-reach". It was encouraging to see several brothers from other churches for the first time in several months and discuss ministry, studies, and our walk with Christ. One of my friends told me that his brother has gone back overseas to study in Bible college, to prepare for a life of missions in a closed country, with the understanding that he will probably lose his life for the gospel there. I have never met this young man but sense a strong desire to fast and pray for him - not to avoid danger for the gospel but to suffer well for Christ when it comes.

Sometimes, it just helps to reflect on words that others have written, sung, and spoken. These are some lyrics in songs that have done a great deal to edify me recently.

"Man all I ever wanted was to be labeled the greatest,

Cassius Clay on spittin' rhymes while rockin' the lastest.

But that crept into my life in Christ. It was evident

As I debated how I was better than the rest of them. [So guilty here!!]

Works-based righteousness: based my worth on some type of list and

If I keep it or not, perfected every night since this.

Now, I'm looking for approval, and I'm selfish,

So all I want to do is try to outdo you!

Silent when you ask me. Later, I'm bragging like a fool.

Far from His image and couldn't see it. Where is the Zoom?

This is grace in my moment of reproof. That helps me see the truth.

Just how I sound, no AutoTune.

And in this life, the last will be first and the first is last.

And He's a servant to the end. We're certain of that.

That's what I heard: freedom from the curse.

Livin' to a hearse, but the latter doesn't matter when you're in reverse."

- Tedashii, "Reverse".

"I found myself in You,

Believing in Your promises. Nothing else is true.

It's all fleeting, gone any minute.

I stand on Christ, the Solid Rock, until Your work is finished.

You could have came as a conquering King,

who knocked dead His opponents, one, two, three.

But You came as a Babe, so meek,

Lived a perfect life and died for me.

Any response would bring glory to Your name.

Holy is the Most High. We live to spread Your fame.

Yes, You're the King that the prophets spoke about,

that the Father was pleased to crush. You took our sins out!

I'll never know how much it really cost when You stretched out Your arms and took up my cross.

I was blind, but now I see right.

You give sight.

You're the Way, the Truth, the Life.

"Man, I wasn't even looking.

I didn't even know how lost I was.

But now the mystery's revealed.
My chance [?] is what it took Him,

but by the Lord's grace, now I'm bought by blood,

because the mystery's revealed."

- Dillon Chase feat. Tre Marquis, "Mystery Revealed".

"All for me, why? No, we don't deserve Your grace.

We deserve the place after death burning under graves.

That's why we praise, 'cause we've been saved from the flames.

Enslaved by Your ways, it's You I try to imitate.

'Daddy, Daddy' - that's what I call You now.

Entrusted like loving vows, stuffing Your word in my mouth,

Chew it up and breathe it out. We love You and scream it loud.

Lord, crush all of our doubts. I stand in awe of You - wow! ...

"I'm in awe of You. And what's amazing is I haven't seen all of You. ...
There is no English word that can describe Your glory.

Though I'm a mess with filthy rags, You didn't ignore me.

You sought covenant with me despite my story,

In fact, You pursued me like Hawks hunt Corey. [?]

I made so many mistakes,

But You sent Jesus so my sins would be replaced.

There are times where I felt that You should've [taken] my life

Or embarrassed me. But instead, Your love took flight.

In fact, in every hard time You've always came to the rescue.

Right on time, and I was never left to

Do it on my own. That's why I stand in awe,

Because You're the greatest one that I ever saw."

- Colt feat. K-Drama, "In Awe of You".

Waxen Wings

You placed each star.

A thousand years a blink, and a second retards

To a millennium likewise.

Yet the stars, unfixed, can swirl

In poetic motion, like sonnets of the Bard

And catch the eye with a curious whirl,

Or we see only mudpies.

Man has thought hard to make sense of it,

Long believing that they stood in the midst of it.

But only fact could advance reason.

Copernicus came after Dark Age season,

With the sun in the hub of our world-play.

Without Ptolemy's epicycles,

Defended with Galileo's final breath: "E pur si muove."

Human reason, summed up in a line: "Cogito ergo sum" -

Yet "before you thought, I AM" -

His thought, eternal - before you dwelt in womb,

Before Abraham and Adam's eyes consumed

The world around them, in new delight and reverent fear,

His glory shone for many a trillion year.

"Look to your new-found courage, young man,

For that is the way to the stars."

Maybe a man will set foot on Mars,

Maybe reign there like the czars.

"Run farther, faster than the last man ran;

bring back new knowledge in jars.

They will talk of it in bazaars

And hail this new truth as ours.

"Three-score and ten, perhaps five-score

Is all you can give to the knowledge war.

So push the limits well. Achieve."

And time after time, we believe

That our Icarus wings will never melt

As coronal heat meets the wax we felt

Would hold, man's wisdom meets defeat.

Have we ever stood to praise

The God of All, Whose creation is a maze

For our minds to completely understand?

Glory to God that He would ignite curiosity,

That man would try to think at the highest velocity!

But our thoughts can never expand

To the unlimited delight that He takes in all creation,

To His boundless understanding of its innermost details,

To His incalculable power to move each constellation,

To His immeasurable might to create it as He exhales.

To the only wise God whose glory knows no twilight,

To better see Your saving work, move to improve my eyesight,

And save me from the limelight when You know it's only pyrite.

I praise You, all-wise God, because You made me finite!

I do not wish to trade my wings for nicer waxen wings,

Which will melt before Your presence like hay and other things.

Your breath will blow on man's works and destroy

The beauty in the flowers men enjoy,

But Your faithful Word You inspired outlasts

All Your unabashed iconoclasts.

Give me instead a heart with desire

Not to be You, but to love You, heart afire.

Your unsearchable understanding also knew a way to redeem

Me from each oft-wayward thought and dream.

And You remind me best when I lie faint.

In this world, grief and loss You would acquaint,

Far more than mine.

Here, You demonstrate love's sign:

A Savior, winged in glory, dons my waxen wings and dies

For each of my acts in selfish pride,

And by Your grace, Your hand denies

Me no truly good thing, and will one day make me rise

And be clothed and wed, brought with the Lamb to dine.

Lessons I Learned from Next 2011

Here are some lessons for my spiritual life that I took away from this year's Next Conference. The sessions did not cover these points, but I thought of them as a result of worshiping God and having fellowship with other believers there.

1. Do not think of corporate worship as a performance where you must be seen by God or others. After a couple sessions, the passion of the worship sets started to get to my head. Before one session, I went down the stairs of the hotel like an arena announcer was about to call my name to get on the court in the NBA Finals. And I had my hands in the air like a lot of other people, but no tears in that worship set. I could not really think about God. I wondered why I could not behold the beauty of Christ or really think about what I was singing. I was doing what I was doing not in order to be close to God and worship Him as I ought, but to get the emotional high and the general sense of euphoria first. Crying in a song is stupid unless the subject of the song means more to you than life.

2. If you see someone who you will probably never see again and you know that they also know the Lord, maximize that short time with them by pouring into their life and being a blessing. Similarly, lean upon and learn from the words of Scripture to a point where, as C.H. Spurgeon said, if people cut you, you bleed Scripture. This can be a great encouragement to others.

3. My "bachelor pack", as Brother Washer calls it, is a great help to me spiritually, but is not forever. Four of us made the trip to Next and stayed in two hotel rooms. My roommate, who has been a great friend to me during the several years that I have known him, will be married by the end of this year. One of the other men has been pursuing a young lady for a year. And the other one seems to meet a new young lady every other week! (Only an inside joke. :-) ) As a career-age single, I know that people get married and move on. Several men from my previous church with whom I used to spend a lot of time are now married and have been mostly or completely out of touch with me since their weddings. (It's almost comedic, the responses I may get from saying this. Even recently, someone told me, "You're 25? You're so young. You shouldn't be married yet!" And I'm sure many people from my old homeschool group would think I belong in a monastery because I am not married at my age. Silly culture! ;-) )

4. Thy bachelor pack is not sufficient for thee. There are times when I cannot continue hanging out in my bachelor pack; I must be alone with God. Spending time with them is very edifying but does not, in the end, leave me satisfied. Regularly, I just need to cordon off certain times in my life and say that only God can go there with me. And this does not come, necessarily, at a set time. I can't just schedule certain times in my life for God to reveal more of Himself to me and leave me undone. My schedule is subject to Christ's Lordship. Sometimes He just calls me to come away with Him, and I must do it, or else miss a time of deep and abiding fellowship with my Lord.

5. I was bolder in evangelism on this trip than I am at home. In my own town, I almost never witness, since my work is very busy and tiring and most of my free time goes to either the church or solitude with God. At Next, around many other Christians, I had a few minutes to explain to a Catholic man at the resort why so many people were there for the conference, and hopefully left him with a better understanding of who the God of Scripture is and why we should worship Him. The conference itself could be used as a means to witness to others in the host city.

6. Sometimes the best worship is just to sing the words of God back to Him. The song I will remember the most from this conference is Shane & Shane's "Worthy of Affection", based on Hebrews 1:

"We are the broken down, and we are the beaten up.

But what could stop us from a song of unending love?

Holy is the Lord!

You are a treasure, the hope, the bright and Morning Star.

You are the Lover of our Souls, and You've won our hearts.

We sing of Your great love.

So we sing. We lift our hands and sing:

"You are worthy of affection!

You're the radiance of all of His glory.

Let adoration fill this place.

You hold everything together

By the word of Your immovable power.

We sing a song of praise!"

-----

"1:1 Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, 2 but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. 3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, 4 having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

5 For to which of the angels did God ever say,

“You are my Son,
today I have begotten you”?

Or again,

“I will be to him a father,
and he shall be to me a son”?

6 And again, when he brings the firstborn into the world, he says,

“Let all God's angels worship him.”

7 Of the angels he says,

“He makes his angels winds,
and his ministers a flame of fire.”

8 But of the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, is forever and ever,
the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom.
9 You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has anointed you
with the oil of gladness beyond your companions.”

- Hebrews 1:1-9 (ESV, emphasis mine).

Retreat Reflections: 1.

I have not written much recently due to several weekend events out of town. In the last two weekends of May, I attended a young adults' camp for my church, followed by the Next Conference on Memorial Day weekend. I spent four days in the mountains with my church at the end of June for our first ever, whole-church Family Camp. My church's men's ministry also met on a Sunday morning in June, and Sunday morning is my usual writing time because our Sunday service takes place in the afternoon; we share a building with our host church.

Work has been more hectic with several deadlines and several new people starting on my team, so I haven't had much time to really reflect on Next or the church camps. So, rather than finishing up the posts on courtship now, I am starting this series of posts at the start of a quite welcome three-day weekend at home, while I edit some of my long queue of photos from hiking trips, hopefully start plowing through the roughly 850 photos I took at Next, and (of course) work out. (Suffice to say, I have an interest in photography - but no DSLR yet.)

Our young adults' camp focused on opposition, as a more intense continuation of our series on Saturday nights. Because I worked on the first day of the camp, I arrived partway through the sermon in the first session. One of our pastor's classmates from Bible college was our guest speaker for all four sessions. He now serves as a Presbyterian pastor and will move out of the area later this summer for more training in the ministry. My pastor told our group about him before the camp started, saying, "He is really ghetto but uses more SAT words than I do." And he was right! He had grown up in the inner city with a hard upbringing; he was quite open to discuss that and his struggles with us during the sessions, even though he had not seen many of us before.

The first sermon discussed idolatry with Luke 19 as its text. (Our church only uses expositional preaching, even when we try to go topical. I love that! :-) ) Some of the points were as follows, along with my reflections:

1. Everyone looks for something outside themselves to justify their existence. For many people in my church, this usually means friends and can mean basketball. We are looking for approval from others any way that we can get it. For Zacchaeus, that meant taking a job that allowed him to get rich: a tax collector. Everyone in that society hated tax collectors, but everyone wanted to be one because they had money. It could also mean a girlfriend or courtship; when mine ended a few months ago, I had to struggle to put who I was back together because I had reached a point where she, not God, was justifying my existence. And... God calls this idolatry.

2. "Broken people do broken things." Desire for validation is God-given, but He presents Himself as the only solution. This is why people can get all they ever asked for materially and still feel poor.

3. In order to lose idols, Jesus must become a superior satisfaction.

4. A Christian needs to be worried about succeeding in things that do not eternally matter. "Only the cross of Christ can bestow true glory on your life."

5. "Idols always tell you to come back for more, but they never give you what you were asking for."

Session 2 dealt with costly grace, with Luke 15 as the text.

1. "If I had 100 cars and one broke down, who cares?" But the shepherd cared for the one lost sheep so much that he left the 99 other sheep to go find it, and he rejoiced when he found it. He wasn't treating that sheep as replaceable the way we do with most of our possessions, but as an irreplaceable treasure. This is how God looks upon those He has redeemed!

2. The lost son told his father to drop dead. He made it rain for days and days. When he had squandered everything and come back, the father replaced everything he had lost. It took years to fatten the calf that was killed for the younger son. Tony Campolo: "I belong to a church that throws birthday parties for whores at 3:30 in the morning."

3. God is seeking the lost: "Adam, where are you?" "God does not love cars or big houses. He loves people, unlike Americans."

4. The older brother is more dead in God's eyes. The reason why is damnable good works. Good works are your own righteousness. People who define themselves by their sin, such as drug dealers and pimps, know that they are sinners. "A pastor or worship leader needs the same amount of grace as the most hardened sinner. You nailed Jesus to the cross." Christians must repent of all the good things they have done for the wrong reasons. In the gospel economy, if you bring something to the table, you may not be saved.

5. The Father (God) is the true prodigal. The older brother should have been a search party for the younger brother because the Father was grieving. In my family, this was inverted. My older brother had a prodigal stage in his early twenties. I was still in high school at the time and was trying to approach the situation moralistically, as if to say, "I can be moral. Why can't he?" So I could condemn his sins without a tear in my eyes. I was not going out to the places where he was to try to find him and bring him back. I was not even really praying for him much except for brief mentions in my prayers at night. Mostly, during the several years where I watched him fall, nothing surprised me. I just determined that I would look at him and do the opposite, only rebelling in ways that were socially acceptable within my church at the time. There were still idols and sins in my heart. They were just more culturally acceptable ones. And that is what is dangerous.

Session 3 covered John 6:

1. Tim Keller: If you ask a longtime churchgoer, "Are you a Christian?", the fake Christian will try to validate himself. The true Christian will chuckle that God would choose him - a sober, somber reply understanding that Jesus, the Justifier, went to the cross.

2. How often do you barter with God? These people wanted bread, a kingdom, health, and prosperity, not a cross, holiness, or purity. Earlier in my Christian life, my prayers tended to take the format, "God, if you do this, I'll do that for You." It was conditional surrender, not unconditional surrender based on His Lordship over my life. I was not really looking at Him as my Lord. I thought His government over me was a democracy where I got most of the votes and therefore always won. I had no clue how to submit to Him as my King. Kingship means you submit to Him even if He gives you nothing. But the fact that He gave you Christ should give you unspeakable joy, if you realize even in small part how great Christ is.

3. The crowd did not want the bread of life or its Giver. "Can I go to heaven without truly and affectionately loving my Jesus?"

4. Theology, your decision, and contrition do not and cannot save you. Jesus saves you. "If you are not saved, you do have a relationship with God. You are his enemy."

5. A spiritual high cannot replace a steady relationship with God. "The presence of Christ becomes real, not in miracles, but in mayhem. He becomes closer than your own skin."

6. "The greatest enemy of the best is not the worst, but the very good." Satan did not challenge God's existence, but His goodness.

7. Jesus saved you that you may enjoy Him and glorify Him to all the nations.

8. When you fall, do not trust in doctrine, but in "Christ in you, the hope of glory". The gospel does not tell you to focus on the law but to gaze on Christ. "Take your eyes off the mirror. Gaze upon your Savior and let His beauty transform you."

This post is already long, so in the next post, I will discuss the last session and general reflections.

Lessons Learned from My International Courtship, Part 2

9. My love for the Philippines is not tied to her. I still have a deep love for that country and its people! At nag-aaral pa ako sa wikang Tagalog... :-) More than ever, I want to take a missions trip there. In part, this courtship has helped me to define why I want to go and what work desperately needs to be done there. Their love for others is great, but their doctrine is shallow. I wish that they would learn our doctrine and we Americans could learn their love. Love is, in fact, a much greater sign that someone truly knows Christ than good doctrine; anyone can memorize. Although I am but a layman, I would love to go over there and teach young men about how to read Scripture in context and discern truth from error. Many preachers do not know how to do this, especially in the Third World. American Reformed Christians, we have an abundance of theological resources that we must use to reach the world and build up Christ's pan-national Bride!

10. My desire to go to the Philippines is now more about edifying specific brothers. After my church's young adult group's camp, I tweeted that one brother had made the trip from the Philippines to our church to help out with our camp. He was only here for a little while, but I grew close to him quickly. I honestly want to fly around the world just to see this brother and spend more time with him. And the original reason for wanting to go remains. I sponsor two children in the Philippines through Compassion and want to see them. There is only so much I can do for them when I am at a distance and only have small amounts of time to write. Even when I can't have intimacy with God very often, I still think about missions. Even when I am at work in my "secular" vocation, I think about missions. And what part of "go" don't I understand??

11. Loving the Bride of Christ is more important than finding love. When I met her, I had never been a member of a church and had barely any clue how to love the local church. I was also outside the will of God because the Holy Spirit had been prompting me for many years to be baptized and I didn't want to be. I was using this blog as a way to love the global body of Christ while not identifying myself with a local body. I signed my church's membership covenant last fall and took water baptism soon after. Since then, God has shown me more about what loving the church means, by putting me in a local church where no one looks like me and where the people my age are overwhelmingly male. If you think a young man should come to church to find a wife, you would say I probably went to the wrong church. But this church is a great place for me to serve.

12. Not delighting in God more than her during a courtship will result in idolatry. Not delighting in God more than her after a courtship ends will result in insanity and resentment toward Him. He is glorified, and I am properly happy in Him, when I delight in Him alone.

13. God can teach through the scars of self-inflicted wounds. I use this language to describe wounds of the heart; I have never cut myself, although I have recently found myself listening to emo! Although my friends initially looked at this courtship quite favorably, as we kept learning more and thinking about it more, we realized it really was not good. And I have realized that, as a man, this was all my fault.

14. Don't move too fast. Because she was only in the United States for 5 weeks, I felt like I had to be utterly convinced that she was right for me before she boarded her plane to return home. I felt like I had to spend every waking minute with her while she was here. This is infatuation, not love. Trying to do something like this will not allow you to look at the whole situation with your eyes open and determine which imperfections you are willing to accept. Everyone, aside from Christ, has them. Even as we follow Christ, we (especially in my generation) tend to find some aspects of Him that we do not want to follow. We want the crown, but not the cross. I want to worship Him, but I rarely want to evangelize; and some of my peers are the opposite.

15. Solitude with Christ is still precious, and I must fight for it to remain solitude with Christ. Before and during the courtship, solitude was a great luxury for me. I could spend whole days alone in the presence of the Lord. But during this season, when in solitude for extended periods, I have found myself thinking about her, about what might have been. And it has led me to resent God. I need time to just read and write and pray without distractions. Thoughts about her are crippling to my fellowship with Christ because they take my focus off of Christ, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross to bear the wrath of His Father for each of my sins - oh, to meditate on just that for days and to worship Him Who paid it all! He is worthy of all affection and adoration!

16. I must go on serving the Lord. We make much of God when we contribute to the work of the Bride of Christ on this earth. This does not only mean money; it also means using the spiritual gifts that He has given me to exhort and teach His followers. The work is still there even when I do not feel strong enough to do it. In fact, continuing to do it when my spiritual life is not going as well requires a greater trust in Him than it does when I feel strong. Who am I to ever call myself strong? I am weak by nature; I see something of this weakness every time I sin! The Lord calls the weak and the broken!

16. Even in despair, I must remain in gospel-driven community and keep that community gospel-driven. I need brothers in Christ to help me keep my focus on Him and not on myself. Sometimes I am discouraged by how little godly fellowship I actually get and how the people that I fellowship with tend to center it on things other than God or just talk about problems they see in the church. And hanging out talking about nothing only masks problems rather than solving them with more of Christ. I don't want to dwell on problems in the church, because she is the bride of Christ and Christ does not see His bride as unfaithful. Sometimes during this season, I really have not desired God. But He is still God. He is still my Lord and my Master. He still has a hold on me, even when I don't like that. He disciplines and chisels those who are really His. And the chisel only gets stronger until we meet Him in glory.

17. I should never boast to anyone about my love for Christ. Last year, I was listening to a sermon by Paul Washer where he mentioned that he finds it hard to sing about his love for Christ because it pales in comparison to Christ's love for Him. During this season, I have learned this more deeply and experientially. Christ died for my resentment of Him regarding her and having to give her up as part of the cost of following Him.