I Have Not Love: A Poem on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Let's say I can write by hand in any script:
Latin, Cyrillic, Indic, Chinese,
And speak the words of any of these,
Be a polyglot with a pile of degrees
And teach others to do the same -
An intellectual exercise -
So that we can pat ourselves on the cranium for our fine accomplishments -
As others do in music, sciences, and the arts:
I forgot the most important part -
The most excellent way.

Were angels good enough as I,
They could speak the tongues of men and their own in the sky -
As useless as an endless recitation of pi
To a two-year-old - if we have not love.
A gong's clang, a cymbal's crash -
It sounds like a late afternoon's dash
Through the metropolis,
As the motorway's educated ideologists
Contribute their own sounds to a cacophony -
Ever crazier, blowing horns of various pitches,
Screaming sarcastic ne'er-too-well wishes,
Passing highway salutes to all -
And having not love!

Or I could be a mysterious man -
A prediction-gifted prince trapped in an ivory tower,
With nothing but my answers to each mystery keeping me company,
Thinking that my facts keep the world functioning
And doctrine is power,
Waiting for a similar princess to give me a flower -
When I am really just a frog this hour -
Who has not love!

Or a man with faith - and not even a dreamer,
I dreamt Olympus Mons and Everest were cast down to the sea just because God wanted them to be
And my church grew and sparkled and gleamed
In radiance: "Let all who are simple come in here"
And get programs, sound preaching, even tears
In worship of the one true God with thousands
While I only have the means and miss the end -
Christ - the source - All things made by, through, and for -
Yet I, with Sardis' heart, have not love!

Or a man with wealth - gold on top of gold
On top of platinum, on top of titanium, encrusted with diamonds -
Super Bowl rings are made from me! -
And yet I radically obey
Give it all away to feed the entire world -
For ten thousand spans of life -
And I live as a jolly average soul
And enjoy the tax breaks -
Or if I give my body from my fame
To be swallowed in ever-climbing flames
"For the sake of Your holy, precious name" -
And have not love?

I am nothing.
The Creator of music calls me noise.
The Author of knowledge deems me a fool.
The Source of true prophecy declares me a fraud.
The God of compassion says I poisoned the least of these.
The Lord who bid me come and die sees no gain in my loss.
I would be better off to never live than to never love -
As He tears the veil and shows -
I have not love -
Nor Him who is it.
In the end, none will twist His perfect love
To point back to themselves and steal His glory.

Let not the sophic man boast of his scholarship
Or the sculpted strut of his sinew
Or the opulent vaunt of his affluence
But let anyone -
Learned or simple,
Atlas' arm or Achilles' heel,
Living large or destitute -
Boast in this:
That they understand and know
Their Maker, the Source of love.

-----

The texts for this poem, as taken from the New American Standard Bible, are below.  Emphasis mine:

1 Corinthians 13:1-3:
 1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Jeremiah 9:23-24:

23 Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.

Second Thoughts on Park Days and a Philippines Update

For the past 4 years, I have been a season pass holder at my home theme park and have already renewed earlier this month for a fifth season there. But for the first time, I have felt convicted about that recently.

A lot of hobbies start off with very good intentions. I once took a homeless young man to the park with me, paying for the trip myself, and he had the time of his life. I also took a janitor from one of my previous employers to the park with me and allowed him to spend the whole day riding rides with me and other Christian in our office. On other occasions, I have been a single rider but have spent days befriending other single riders from other states and regions. I became friends on Facebook with one of them, and he has been able to see the many Christian quotes I put on my personal Facebook page. So I began to look at park visits as something with potential for evangelism and fellowship.

This year has been different. My usual park buddy from the past 3 seasons got married this spring. I went to the park with him in April before he got married. Other than that, all of my visits have been solo. This year, I have become more of a loner than I was in the past. So the visits this fall have been not only solo, but mostly silent. On my most recent visit, I barely interacted with anyone, just rode rides and interacted a minimal amount with the crews. The weather was awful for riding, but I went anyway because I knew the lines would be short. For the past two visits, the weather was sunny and I could spend the whole way there praying and the whole way back worshiping God in song. This time, I needed music on for the morning drive because it was cloudy. On the way back, I still worshiped but could not feel the reality of the songs in my life. It was mostly emotionless singing into empty space to admire the sound of my own voice. It was hollow, selfish worship using God-centered words.

The week had gone well up to that point. On Monday, my leave had been approved for going to the Philippines. (Since then, I have bought the tickets! :-) ) I had been reading more than I had in most other parts of the year. On the surface I looked pretty holy for the week. But after I got back, God started to reinforce that this park visit was selfish.

As a coaster enthusiast, I keep meticulous ride logs that include the total number of rides I take in each visit, my running totals for the year for each, and where I sat on the train for each ride. But yesterday, my main motive for going was just to make sure that I had more coaster rides this year than last year. I thought I had been slacking off.

But what else could I have been doing? As much as I dislike going to weddings, one of my other friends was getting married that day. There was no Saturday night service for that week, although I had arrived back from the park in time for that. So I could not minister to anyone in my church. It was a lost day, and it is better to lose my life than to waste it.

Going to the Philippines might help me to be less self-centered, and not just because cultures in the East tend to be more group-minded while American culture focuses much more on the individual. Pending a background check, I will get to see at least one of the children that I sponsor. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for his different world. But I don't know what to expect. I know some academic statistics about the international poverty line and how I can't buy a sandwich at Subway here with the money that most people there make in a week - if they can even find work for the day. I have seen pictures of the children that I have sponsored. But I have never been able to reach out my hand and touch a person who is truly poor by global standards. How could this affect me?

I hope and pray that these kids do not see me as an alternate Savior. My American lifestyle - wartime or not - could be a stumbling block that keeps them from seeing the gospel. They have needed to have faith for basic provisions in ways that I have not. But Scripture says, over and over, that as a Christian, I need to help people in need. So, although I seem to do a lot compared to many others in my church, I do very little when I compare myself to the Word. I should be doing more than just sending some money every month. My work weeks know very little of sacrifice, except for giving a good deal of time and effort to do work for others. Working in a job is not often a very voluntary form of service. A person who is common will do that same job and just take the money. A person who is consecrated will not stop there.

So in about 7 weeks, God willing, I will board a flight to the Philippines, not knowing what I may see there. I come with five loaves and two fish, trusting God to do with it as He will - and may that include feeding His sheep and drawing more into His kingdom?

You may be praying for God's plan to be carried out in some area. But some people only have the willingness to pray. Sometimes God's answer to those prayers is to set you on a course to do something through you for His glory. Recently, I have been more convicted that I should spend less time in solitude having high-flown thoughts about serving others and sharing the gospel, and more time actually serving others and sharing the gospel. One could say that the reason is the survival of my church, but that makes an idol out of my church. God will do as He wants with our church, but is His glory really our motivation for serving Him?

Although not entirely related, I feel compelled to mention this. What is the glory of God? Is it only seen in doing things for others, which seems to be the point of Jaeson Ma's song "Glory"? If the glory of God is only reflected in other people and is centered on man, as it were, then either 1) man is the origin of that glory and when God created man, man was given an attribute (glory) that God himself did not have, or 2) God didn't have glory until He created man, which means He gained a new attribute at creation which He has not had since eternity past, and thus He would not be an unchanging God. On another hand, if you don't realize that God does glorify Himself through changing the lives of people, your Christianity will not do any good for the world.

God is an eternally glorious being Who has displayed perfect love and perfect glory among His three Persons (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) since before the world began. He created the universe as a means of glorifying Himself through the vast reaches of space and time. But His glory is eternal. Therefore, when we do things that give Him glory (not that we can give Him any that He does not already have; He needs nothing from us but graciously allows us to serve Him), that is an eternal investment and prevents our lives from being wasted on ourselves.

If you have prayed for me to go to the Philippines, thank you! This is something I have wanted to do for about ten years now for various reasons, but God had to refine those reasons and connect me with the right people in order to glorify Himself through it and not just give me an expensive vacation. I don't know why, but I was just thanking God for it without any tears since I found out I could go, although many tears in the past several years have gone into the prayers that I would go. Maybe it has not completely hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I am actually on the plane. :-)

"We need to keep theological thugs like you off the street."

As I have mentioned in some earlier posts, I finished switching churches a little more than a year ago. Since then, I have only had occasional contact with friends from my old church. One guy in particular became fast friends with me when he first started going there, when he had not really found his niche there yet. We have a similar educational background, do similar work, and have a similar interest in Reformed doctrine. Meeting him in a church that was pretty close to Arminian (believing only the P of TULIP) was a bit of a shock. When I met him, I was still a cage-stage Calvinist that went to Bible study each week with a long list of quotes from Reformed sermons that I had written down at work. The sermon quotes genuinely helped other members of the group, though others who took a less intellectual approach to Christianity probably felt beat up by some of them

We got back in touch a couple weeks ago for the first time since Next, when he wanted to show me the new place he is renting in preparation for his wedding next month. When he asked what was new, I told him that I was doing pretty well, working hard, and keeping busy serving in my church. And his reply started with this:

"Glad to hear you're keeping busy. Its best we keep theological thugs like you off the street, lol. :)"

Several weeks later, I'm still thinking about this. "Theological thug"? Wow. Is this really the legacy that I left at my old church when I left it?

This assessment is fair any way you look at it. When I was still going to two churches, I was learning a good deal about how to love the brethren. Yet I applied that love conditionally, toward people with a similar interest in theology. I am still doing that, to some extent. I don't enjoy pointless hanging out, talking about nothing, for hours on end. So my love becomes conditional and I become indifferent toward anyone who was not "last seen swimming in a sea of old books with Paul Washer blasting through his earbuds".

The word "thug" is interestingly applied. I'm not a thug in the conventional sense. I look like a yuppie, minus the Starbucks, plus a smoothie. I neither have nor want tattoos or piercings. I've never been in trouble with the law of the land, despite my paranoid nature around speed cameras. In short, some people might call me a model son for a white homeschooling Christian family in a lot of ways - minus, of course, that I graduated from a secular university. People might be surprised to find out that I spent a year as a pseudo-goth in high school and have a current affinity for Christian hip-hop.

When Jesus warns that few actually find the way to eternal life (Matthew 7:14), He is talking to a group of religious people that believe they are saved. It is worth it to keep this in mind. When armchair theologians engage in their version of thuggery, they often do so with no love at all. Pharisees had no love for those who did not reach their level of perceived holiness. Theological thugs of our day are often the same way. They only see love this way:

"And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it." (2 John 1:6)

Without context, you can barely tell what the commandment is. If you are a theological thug, what do you do with texts like these?

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God." (1 John 4:7)

"If someone says, 'I love God', and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen." (1 John 4:20)

And it all goes back to these:

"And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, 'Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?' And He said to him, 'What is written in the law? How does it read to you?' And he answered, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.' And He said to him, 'You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.' But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'" (Luke 10:25-29).

Here, Jesus affirms the whole point of the law in loving God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind, and in loving your neighbor as yourself. The lawyer realizes that he can't justify himself according to this. When have I ever loved the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind? At best, it is an imperfect passion. When have I ever loved my neighbor as myself? At best, my love for others is inconsistent. Even if I could master this over a lifetime, what about all of my frequent smaller-looking failings where I still acted in my own self-interests rather than in God's interests or the interests of others? What about the years of my life when I lived, not even knowing about this commandment from the law? God's standard still applies to me even when I was ignorant about it. I cannot trust myself for my own salvation!

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loves us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10)

You did not start by loving God. If you only love God's commandments and your own ability to keep them, your love is really for your own ability to get everything right. If you really love God, you will love what He loves - and who. You will not only hate outward sins that plague "the world", but the inward sins of your own heart that affect you deeply every day.

The tenses of "love" in this verse are interesting. Other translations might not capture it as well. "We loved God" - I can't tell which past tense this is in the Greek (I don't know Greek), but does this mean "one time", as in, "We never even once loved God"? "He loves us" - this is ongoing. Never failing. Eternal. Perfect love. He never fails to keep us sustained within this love that always protects us, always perseveres, and always ensures our full salvation from the wrath that we deserve to experience for all of eternity.

"His Son" - the object of the Father's love since eternity past and for eternity future. God's love is eternal because He did not have to create anything to make Himself a loving being. He has existed in three persons since before creation: eternally loving, eternally just, eternally all-powerful, eternally all-knowing, and eternally worthy of all praise and adoration. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have had a perfect love for each other for all of time. The only time the Father did not see the Son as perfectly worthy of His love was on the cross, when He saw Him as a sinner who was taking on the sin of everyone for whom He died. God does not need us to love Him (imperfectly) or worship Him (imperfectly) for Him to feel perfectly worshiped.

"propitiation for our sins" - Of everyone who has ever lived in a human body, only Christ is sinless. Only Christ lived the perfect life that we could not live and died the perfect death that we could not die. Therefore, only Christ could atone for our many sins against God. Only Christ could satisfy His Father's righteous, just anger against our sins against Him - including the idolatry of wanting to know everything we can theologically with the improper motive of lording it over others and condemning them for not wanting to have that knowledge or seeing side issues differently than we do.

"Did you know that hell is of infinite duration? The primary reason is because every sin you commit is committed against an infinitely worthy and good God. ...

"David sinned against his people. David committed adultery with a woman. David murdered a man, but in the end he said this:

"'Against Thee, Thee only, have I sinned.'

"Why is sin so terrible? Because it is committed against God. Why don't we tremble? We don't know what that means. And why don't we know what that means? Because we do not know who God is. Such a glorious and blessed being!"

- Paul Washer.

Do we even see the sinfulness of theological thuggery - as sinful as any other sin against a holy, just, and merciful God? I'm not saying this about orthodoxy in and of itself, but of orthodoxy for the sake of being proud about it. We need to check ourselves against it and know what it means to be broken over it - not only so that our legacy with others will not involve "he was all law, without grace" or "he was all doctrine, without love", but because sin against the God who loves perfectly runs so much deeper than that. It is more than just an unbalanced application of Scripture. It is actually sin that God hates as much as He hates adultery and murder.

"Please hear my heart, like a stethoscope.

We're taking steps toward death, but looking for hope.

Because we were captured by sin.

We were seized. Now we need to be captured again.

That's why we need to pick them Scriptures up,

Start praying and fasting, and ask the Father to forgive us of -

Forgive us for laziness, forgive us Lord for our pride.

Forgive us for worldliness. Forgive us, cleanse us inside. ...

We confess our lack of love. We confess selfish ambition. ...

O Lord, bring us to repentance!"

- Flame.

Expositional Poetry on 1 Kings 19:9-18, Part 1

My church is going through a lot, with several families being forced to move out of the area to find work. Some of those who have been able to stay have been anxious as they might only have one or two years left before they have to move. In a relatively small church like ours, losing several families takes a visible toll on our attendance and our giving. My pastor took a break from his series on Mark during the summer to take our church through a series of passages dealing with anxiety and depression. Several weeks ago, he preached on Elijah using 1 Kings 19:9-18 as his main text.

Most of the poetry I have written here until now has been free verse and topical. To reflect on this sermon more, I decided to write an expository poem on this text. I did not get to write last weekend because Hurricane Irene knocked out the power. That tied in well with the "wind" metaphors! :-)

I started to write this as the tempests whirled 'round me

and man-made lights flickered,

As the earthly wise were confused,

The simple stumbled from liquor

In hurricane parties with cheap draft specials,

Forced indoors as winds and rain battered roofs

But did not come strongly enough to make the buildings fall.

We witnessed a microcosm of Your destructive power.

As more rain fell with each hour,

Some thought they heard

You - in a raging breath of wind?

A storm at a distance

We give more than a glance askance,

Ready our stance

In case it happens to hit us by chance.

Some trust their persistence

Even as winds and trees cancel others' earthly existence,

They remain in resistance,

Running still against power which can outdistance.

Some wonder about subsistence

As they shutter their businesses at city officials' insistence,

Can't get bread for the day,

Maybe have to leave their low ground for the brae

As the storm does ballet

In violent style that cameras capture and replay.

Elijah went to a cave and stayed there,

Not for a storm, but a queen wanted to grab him by the hair ,

Trap him in a snare and kill with flair,

For the message he declared:

"The true God with no compare,

Maker of Altair,

Can tell that your cries to Baal are stopping in midair.

You told me, 'We're with Baal! Beware!'

Now complete this questionnaire:

Is your god off, solitaire,

Playing golf with billionaires,

Perhaps in the restroom getting debonair,

Or sleeping in the square,

So unconscious, he just got trampled by a hare?

Or he thinks it's funny like Moliere

That you think he'll answer you when you put your forms in disrepair?"

And after this victory,

Slaying four hundred fifty with a holy jealousy,

His inquiry - The mystery: misery, injury inwardly and spiritually:

Why react bitterly? Why treat it like trickery that life did not become glittery?

Then came the theophany:

Elijah cringed as the wind broke rocks in pieces

And he had no shelter from the tempest's reaches,

Stayed outside as his beard flew in front of him

As the wind challenged its anchors in his face,

Still grim - his tears moved more as he stood on the mount,

Sustained by grace in God's blessing fount,

But in that day he only knew law,

Following it to the letter,

A sacrifice required if he was ever its debtor.

His cold heart had yet to thaw

As he thought as hard as he could in what he saw,

"You, in mighty rushing wind?"

He didn't know the next was caused by plate tectonics

As soon as the jarring of the plates' harmonics

God only did it for histrionics

To show His power greater than electronics.

Soon after God called him from his self-imposed detention,

The earth shook strongly to get Elijah's attention,

To make him consider more than three dimensions.

What did that do to his comprehension -

"You, in shaking of the plates?

Is it fate that I wait and You don't change my state?

Did I misstate? My lightweight

Pleas for You to take me home looked strong enough to me.

But I don't see You here as fear

Envelopes me."

The familiar fire that exposed false prophets as sophomores

Performed encores.

He saw the dancing of phosphors

And probably dreaded this deja vu -

"Why don't You undo

All that happened there in lieu

Of an easy life for me, that I could waste and then rest with my fathers,

Without this tyrant Ahab breathing down my neck

And his wife wanting to separate my neck

From my head, and then feed me to her dog?

'Rare prophets of God, a shekel per pound at the pet store -

Your dogs will find it tasty, and you will be so delighted!'

Victor now victim,

I feel common as gypsum,

Courage softer than talcum,

Heart harder than diamond - I wanted my kingdom

Without any schism."

Then, the Designer of Theorems

Could say, "Wandering pilgrim,

See through My prism since My wisdom is winsome

To the true man of God who does not care about income."

Yet fire burned - to bonfire from a spark,

God certified that fire was not His mark

Nor any demonstrated havoc stark,

"You, in the fire that lights the dark?!"

"No, simple man with many limitations.

Hark - to the Ruler of all nations,

Including yours - Who ordained this ruthless ruler over you

And arranged each last detail hitherto."

A Shakespearean Sonnet on Physical and Spiritual Healing

I have written at least a few dozen poems in my life, starting with dozens of mostly non-rhyming dark poems that I used as lyrics to metal songs that I used to improvise in high school and college. After beginning this blog, I rediscovered my love for writing poetry as I wrote the introductory post for "Godly Fellowship", the "Adorned" / "Abhorred" / "A Sword" / "Adored" (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4) series, and other pieces. In these, I gained a greater appreciation for the craft of poetry, as I sought to not merely rhyme at the end of a line, but also have some sense of correct meter and syllable counts, and do some creative internal rhymes. (Side note: The lowercase MC, shai linne, is a master at this! :-) )

Recently, motivated by the sonnets of Dr. D. A. Carson, I made my first attempt at writing a Shakespearean sonnet and came to appreciate some of the great precision that sonneteers must have as they work, as they fit every line into iambic pentameter (blank verse) and keep a consistent rhyme scheme over 14 lines.

I started this sonnet basing it off of my pastor's ongoing series in the book of Mark, when many people approached Christ for various forms of physical healing and would not stop to allow Him to rest. Yet most of them only wanted physical healing and did not realize (or did not find important) that without the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit in their lives, they would shout, "Crucify Him!", with the rest of the masses less than three years later - and that death would not be applied toward their particular redemption. They would be physically healed, but go to hell - still in their sins, unredeemed, lost.

-----

Distressed by ills, the town stopped work to throng

Around my Lord, demanding all His time,

So that one touch would render lame men strong;

Then most retreated to their sinful grime.

I also have petitioned Him to heal

A different ailment, one within my heart,

That worships idols and tries to appeal

To my own hands to catch a flaming dart,

And stay unscathed despite the fervent heat.

The rival sees my hands of burning clay,

He gloats and mocks the mere man he just beat:

"You failure! Keep your hands unraised today."

Despite my prideful words, the Savior's face

Makes prideful Serpent flee: "He's bought by grace."

Retreat Reflections: 2.

After we arrived back at church that Sunday, we had the Session 4 message during our regular church service with the rest of the church present. This message hit me even harder than the others:

1. What justification is and is not. He discussed "counterfeit idols" as described by Tullian Tchividjian. A good summary of those "counterfeit gospels" is here. Most idols lurk and pervade in church:

- Formalism: church activity / "always in church" / judgmental / imposing your standards on everyone: This is what I grew up in. I spent a lot of time around church, especially in the summer because my mom is her church's longtime Vacation Bible School director. But most of the time I would rather be somewhere else, or I would need a distraction such as basketball to avoid being bothersome. But hey, I was always in church whenever the doors were open, even if I never listened to anything the pastor said because I was drawing pictures all the way through the sermons, even in high school and college.

- Legalism: living by rules you create for yourself and others; there is no joy in your life because there is no grace to be celebrated. I grew up imposing my moral standards on everybody and defining myself by my morality. For me, that typically looked like imposing Biblical standards on everybody. The way I looked for a wife during that period was particularly telling. In college I was trying to date a girl who was not a Christian, but that didn't matter much to me because, like me, she was still a virgin and I found that more important than even faith in Christ. I became broken about my recreational dating practices in 2007 because one of the girls offended me so deeply by drinking alcohol on one of our dates - never minding that it isn't actually a sin to drink, only to get drunk, and the main reason why I don't drink at all is family history with alcoholism. Yes, as this sermon said, a Pharisee is the kind of boy you would want to bring home for dinner.

- Mysticism: "Retreat junkie" - incessant pursuit of emotional experience with God; changes churches often. The first half of that describes where I am right now to a T. After I started attending my current church and saw people with their hands raised during worship and I started doing it too, first I was doing it because I felt closer to God when I did and my Christianity up to that point had almost never been emotional, only rational. Sometimes I am only after that spiritual high and not after real closeness to God, real memorization of and obedience to Scripture, and real rejection of sin. And I was almost tempted to switch churches when most of the other hand-raisers left my church due to its shift in emphasis toward sound doctrine and started going to a Charismatic church. Praise God for books like Why We Love the Church, which tell me to be a plodding visionary in a church that faithfully serves Him and gets rid of the temptation to seek the constant emotional high and what I want over taking responsibility to serve.

- Activism: Stands for what is right but doesn't pursue God. This describes quite a lot of the people that I know, including the ones who make 3/4ths of their posts on Facebook about gay marriage. This is an area where, I admit, I'm quite skewed in the other direction. Growing up in a formalist/activist environment, when I got out of that I only wanted to pursue God. But even though His kingdom is not of this world, He does not call me to stick my head in the sand and keep it there regarding the problems in the world either.

- Biblicism: I didn't have time to write down what he said for this one. But an Awana Citation Award in the next room which I earned years before I started listening to sound preaching says that I have roots in this.

- Therapism: Makes Jesus more therapist than Savior and sees hurt as worse than sin ("moralistic therapeutic deism"). I've been around this and felt, honestly, pretty turned off by it, maybe because I am a legalist at heart. But killing sin is very hard to say the least, and we don't always realize what a war it is. Some of my best weekends spiritually, I have listened and rapped along to Tedashii's "Make War" over and over again. But most people don't really want to fight sin as sin, and some sin is rooted in events that happened to them through no fault of their own. I can definitely see why this would be a draw to people.

- Socialism: The body of Christ has replaced Christ Himself. This is the other half of where I am right now with regards to what God has taught me about learning to love the church. At camps I spend very little time with God on my own. At the two church camps I barely read any Scripture except for right before the sessions to prepare myself for worship. I was more content with getting to know other people - a very good thing, but not the best. Sometimes, I just need to hit the trail alone for an afternoon. And thank God for the chance to do that - "wanting nothing in life but to just be with Him, as if nothing in this world could ever compete with Him" (116 Clique).

2. Augustine said that the root of all sin is disorderly love. "No other gods before Me" includes even cute ones and noble ones. Family can be an idol of our heart. A lot of people seek the church as a place to get glory for themselves because there is less competition. For example, people who are not talented enough to join a rock band may be able to join a praise band. Your children were not born for justifying your existence through your vicariously living through them. The worst result of self-justification is that your rob God of His glory.

3. Being a Christian means that you are a failure, but an honorable failure; a sinner, but a righteous sinner. "I need Christ to pay for all of the ways that I tried to justify my life." "At least I'm not a porn star" is not God's standard. When you are justified, you do not hate others.

Here are some things I learned at the young adults camp outside the sermons:

1. Activity can be an enemy of spiritual discipline. Brother Paul Washer actually said this, but I realized this experientially here. After the sermons, I felt led to pray for the other people at the camp, that the points of the sermons would really be driven home to them. However, our schedule was very fast-paced, which meant I had to continue to the next activity. I am not using this as an indictment against those who scheduled this camp, but against myself for forgetting about the need to pray for these people when I got back from the camp and resumed work the next day.

2. True Christian fellowship can result in very deep and lasting bonds between Christians forming over a very short period of time. One brother from the Philippines spent his vacation from law school (March through June there) in the US attending several conferences and serving in several churches around the country, including ours. He is a friend of my pastor from his 5 years as a missionary in the Philippines. He and I only had a few hours to interact during his trip, but our friendship was fast and deep. We were quite open with each other and have stayed in touch now that he is back in the Philippines. Yet what kind of love would drive someone to decide to fly around the world to help with a two-night camp? Only God could do such a thing. And I do have the resources to fly to the Philippines without needing to raise support. I want to fly there and see him again on this side of glory, for my joy and his joy in the glory of God, so that we would not waste our lives but serve Him more effectively on this earth. If we can encourage each other on the internet, how much more side-by-side? I've seen it!

3. There is value in play, even among adults. You learn to respect someone faster if he is bigger than you and you play tug-of-war with a tire against him! American football has nothing on this game; this is anarchy! And I cringed when I saw the tire at the next camp. In a camp with 44 guests plus leaders, it is impossible to quickly form a deep friendship with everyone. But the playing field does allow some level of relationship to be built.

4. I need to expect to sacrifice some of my "sacred" schedule for a camp. This was predominantly a college camp. I graduated from college several years ago and now work in a job that requires a good night's sleep every night. At this camp, we played Capture the Flag in the dark at midnight. Then at 7am we had a morning workout. In between times, one of my roommates played his violin until about 2 in the morning. During the second night, people played hide and seek in the lodge in the middle of the night and were running up and down the halls. I learned at the next camp that earplugs are great. :-)

5. Getting home from a camp is pretty hard because at a camp, other people do most of my spiritual feeding for me. Outside the sessions, I did not have time to read my Bible. So after getting home, I had to adjust to my normal routine of reading, working, and praying again.

Retreat Reflections: 1.

I have not written much recently due to several weekend events out of town. In the last two weekends of May, I attended a young adults' camp for my church, followed by the Next Conference on Memorial Day weekend. I spent four days in the mountains with my church at the end of June for our first ever, whole-church Family Camp. My church's men's ministry also met on a Sunday morning in June, and Sunday morning is my usual writing time because our Sunday service takes place in the afternoon; we share a building with our host church.

Work has been more hectic with several deadlines and several new people starting on my team, so I haven't had much time to really reflect on Next or the church camps. So, rather than finishing up the posts on courtship now, I am starting this series of posts at the start of a quite welcome three-day weekend at home, while I edit some of my long queue of photos from hiking trips, hopefully start plowing through the roughly 850 photos I took at Next, and (of course) work out. (Suffice to say, I have an interest in photography - but no DSLR yet.)

Our young adults' camp focused on opposition, as a more intense continuation of our series on Saturday nights. Because I worked on the first day of the camp, I arrived partway through the sermon in the first session. One of our pastor's classmates from Bible college was our guest speaker for all four sessions. He now serves as a Presbyterian pastor and will move out of the area later this summer for more training in the ministry. My pastor told our group about him before the camp started, saying, "He is really ghetto but uses more SAT words than I do." And he was right! He had grown up in the inner city with a hard upbringing; he was quite open to discuss that and his struggles with us during the sessions, even though he had not seen many of us before.

The first sermon discussed idolatry with Luke 19 as its text. (Our church only uses expositional preaching, even when we try to go topical. I love that! :-) ) Some of the points were as follows, along with my reflections:

1. Everyone looks for something outside themselves to justify their existence. For many people in my church, this usually means friends and can mean basketball. We are looking for approval from others any way that we can get it. For Zacchaeus, that meant taking a job that allowed him to get rich: a tax collector. Everyone in that society hated tax collectors, but everyone wanted to be one because they had money. It could also mean a girlfriend or courtship; when mine ended a few months ago, I had to struggle to put who I was back together because I had reached a point where she, not God, was justifying my existence. And... God calls this idolatry.

2. "Broken people do broken things." Desire for validation is God-given, but He presents Himself as the only solution. This is why people can get all they ever asked for materially and still feel poor.

3. In order to lose idols, Jesus must become a superior satisfaction.

4. A Christian needs to be worried about succeeding in things that do not eternally matter. "Only the cross of Christ can bestow true glory on your life."

5. "Idols always tell you to come back for more, but they never give you what you were asking for."

Session 2 dealt with costly grace, with Luke 15 as the text.

1. "If I had 100 cars and one broke down, who cares?" But the shepherd cared for the one lost sheep so much that he left the 99 other sheep to go find it, and he rejoiced when he found it. He wasn't treating that sheep as replaceable the way we do with most of our possessions, but as an irreplaceable treasure. This is how God looks upon those He has redeemed!

2. The lost son told his father to drop dead. He made it rain for days and days. When he had squandered everything and come back, the father replaced everything he had lost. It took years to fatten the calf that was killed for the younger son. Tony Campolo: "I belong to a church that throws birthday parties for whores at 3:30 in the morning."

3. God is seeking the lost: "Adam, where are you?" "God does not love cars or big houses. He loves people, unlike Americans."

4. The older brother is more dead in God's eyes. The reason why is damnable good works. Good works are your own righteousness. People who define themselves by their sin, such as drug dealers and pimps, know that they are sinners. "A pastor or worship leader needs the same amount of grace as the most hardened sinner. You nailed Jesus to the cross." Christians must repent of all the good things they have done for the wrong reasons. In the gospel economy, if you bring something to the table, you may not be saved.

5. The Father (God) is the true prodigal. The older brother should have been a search party for the younger brother because the Father was grieving. In my family, this was inverted. My older brother had a prodigal stage in his early twenties. I was still in high school at the time and was trying to approach the situation moralistically, as if to say, "I can be moral. Why can't he?" So I could condemn his sins without a tear in my eyes. I was not going out to the places where he was to try to find him and bring him back. I was not even really praying for him much except for brief mentions in my prayers at night. Mostly, during the several years where I watched him fall, nothing surprised me. I just determined that I would look at him and do the opposite, only rebelling in ways that were socially acceptable within my church at the time. There were still idols and sins in my heart. They were just more culturally acceptable ones. And that is what is dangerous.

Session 3 covered John 6:

1. Tim Keller: If you ask a longtime churchgoer, "Are you a Christian?", the fake Christian will try to validate himself. The true Christian will chuckle that God would choose him - a sober, somber reply understanding that Jesus, the Justifier, went to the cross.

2. How often do you barter with God? These people wanted bread, a kingdom, health, and prosperity, not a cross, holiness, or purity. Earlier in my Christian life, my prayers tended to take the format, "God, if you do this, I'll do that for You." It was conditional surrender, not unconditional surrender based on His Lordship over my life. I was not really looking at Him as my Lord. I thought His government over me was a democracy where I got most of the votes and therefore always won. I had no clue how to submit to Him as my King. Kingship means you submit to Him even if He gives you nothing. But the fact that He gave you Christ should give you unspeakable joy, if you realize even in small part how great Christ is.

3. The crowd did not want the bread of life or its Giver. "Can I go to heaven without truly and affectionately loving my Jesus?"

4. Theology, your decision, and contrition do not and cannot save you. Jesus saves you. "If you are not saved, you do have a relationship with God. You are his enemy."

5. A spiritual high cannot replace a steady relationship with God. "The presence of Christ becomes real, not in miracles, but in mayhem. He becomes closer than your own skin."

6. "The greatest enemy of the best is not the worst, but the very good." Satan did not challenge God's existence, but His goodness.

7. Jesus saved you that you may enjoy Him and glorify Him to all the nations.

8. When you fall, do not trust in doctrine, but in "Christ in you, the hope of glory". The gospel does not tell you to focus on the law but to gaze on Christ. "Take your eyes off the mirror. Gaze upon your Savior and let His beauty transform you."

This post is already long, so in the next post, I will discuss the last session and general reflections.

Worried About Our Image And Our Space Up On the Internet

I first got the idea for this title shortly after I heard Lecrae's song "Go Hard" several years ago:

"Oh man, we ain't focused on the war. We're just kicking it,

Worried about our image and our space up on the internet.

Take me out of the game, coach. I don't want to play no more.

If I can't give it all I've got and leave it out there on the court.

Thank You for the grace, for the will and the desire.

Got me living for Your glory instead of living to retire.

But I pray I'll never tire of going hard for Messiah.

I don't need no motivation. You're the Reason I'm inspired!"

I guess I could describe myself as an internet missionary. Jonathan Edwards resolved to use new inventions of mankind for advancing the gospel. In our day, perhaps the best example of this is the internet. Right now, few people in the civilized world have not had exposure to the internet. Nearly everyone I know uses it daily. And many people use it to a point of "addiction", or as I prefer to call it, idolatry.

Having used the internet for well over a decade, it is interesting to note how it has evolved into a tool where we ourselves have a significant influence over its content. The top five websites in the world right now are Google, Facebook, YouTube, Yahoo, and Blogger. All provide some means for the users to submit their own content, and Facebook, YouTube, and Blogger exist for almost the sole purpose of allowing people to say, "This is who I am. This is what I like. I want people anywhere, or at least my friends, to read what I write, see the photos I take, watch the videos I make, and visit the links that I like."

William Shakespeare wrote that all the world is a stage and all of the men and women on it are merely players. I submit to you that all the web is also a stage, which gives all of its players visibility to anyone in the world. Nearly everyone today, my parents' generation and younger, has a web presence, even babies.

So, how are you using your stage? Is it, to you, a means to promote the gospel, to become aware of the needs in the world so that you can pray about them and do something about them if possible, to edify and strengthen others in the faith? If you cannot use it this way, it is better to immediately throw it by.

I say all of this as an exhortation because there is so much potential for us to make much of Christ in new media, yet many people just waste their time with it and use it to say what frivolities they are pursuing with their friends. May I say Farmville and Mafia Wars? If you do use the internet to game, may I ask you: are you even in the real war, or just in a fake war with no eternal or even temporal significance? Friendships grow deeper when the camaraderie occurs because of a real, significant cause - not when we use our time together to pass along even innocent internet memes that result from either our sinful culture or Christians' just wasting their time.

The internet can make us forget about the "war" by giving us mere images and videos of the "war" while taking us off of the battlefield. If I see an image or a story about a country that is closed to the gospel, faithful missionaries risking their lives in the 10/40 Window, or Christians being persecuted, my first reaction should be to pray - hard - and do something, not to just keep paging through images and stories and think, "Maybe God should do something; I'll just go back to my life." This is a reaction of wartime living as applied to how we spend our time.

Does a soldier spend all of his time at the fort? For some, it is their job to stay in the fort and support the other troops. But God has given us this gospel that must be shared. Even those called to hold the rope for missionaries who go down in the well must go down into their local wells themselves. And this is an indictment on me; I rarely share my faith with unbelievers outside the internet. And my unbelieving friends probably just ignore what I have to say on the internet.

Also, my internet browsing habits reveal who or what I really love. I don't spend as much time reading every obscure sports statistic about people who I will never meet as I did before. I frequently visit the various blogs that I list in the sidebar of this site. This is an evidence of God working in my life. But, as Json raps in "Chisel Me", "Am I in love with God or in love with theology?"

Constantly browsing theological sites and switching between browser tabs splits your attention, especially if some of the other sites have nothing to do with God. You must have time alone with God in secret if you are to grow in satisfaction and delight in Him. You cannot take technology with you into that secret place. In a sense, technology is a very great help because it allows ready access to so many resources for advancing the Kingdom and it gives a stage for us as individuals and groups to promote the gospel and make much of our Lord. But, everything in moderation, except for sin, which must be put to death. If I go to that secret place and I am playing with my phone, my heart is divided, even if I am looking at a theological resource - because it says, "Lord, You are not enough. I need this too, or I will not be satisfied."

Based on this, I would also say that we profit from having a printed copy of the Bible. As helpful as commentaries, study notes, and the like can be, I found that after I only read a study Bible for several years, I relied too heavily on the study notes and not on what the Word of God was actually saying. Similarly, in the secret place we must be able to spend time with our full attention on the Word. Always using a phone app as our primary Bible can introduce many more distractions than just reading it in a book.

I realize we are a multitasking generation, and those after us are inheriting that trait from us. Even as I write this, I am working on a Tagalog lesson in Rosetta Stone. But Christ states that the greatest commandment is to love Him with our whole heart, with our whole soul, with our whole mind, with our whole strength - not to divide our attention.

If we want to be chiseled, realize this: the Lord's chisel stops at nothing.

The Proper Place of Sports and Delighting in God

At my old church, whose members are predominantly American, the following is a common sight from September through January: People show up to every service wearing American football jerseys. I remember one guy, a grown man in his late 30s, who enthusiastically supports the Dallas Cowboys. He would sit near the front of the sanctuary wearing a hat with blue and white dreadlocks, matching his team's colors. Our church was nowhere near Dallas, and most of our pastors supported other teams. Yet he wanted everyone to know that he supports the Dallas Cowboys.

Naturally, their love for sports, usually American football (I only use that term for it because in other countries, most equate "football" with FIFA or the World Cup), flows out into their conversations. Some people are able to treat it as just a game and take a win or loss in stride. Others live and die by it and use a win or a loss, especially to rival teams, as a great chance to trash talk others in the church who support their teams' rivals. So instead of discussing with others about what the Lord has done in their lives, they relegate that to times of "ministry" and, apart from that, wonder out loud about whether their team's third-string tight end is "questionable" or "probable" for Sunday's game - on the previous Tuesday. Give a tenfold increase in this effect to owners of fantasy teams. (Fantasy sports could be a separate rant in itself.)

For a while, I thought I was better than this. I do not follow American football; if that makes me less American, oh well!

Then Spring Training happened.

My sports to follow are baseball and ice hockey. Basketball is my favorite sport to play, but I don't follow it closely. Recently, the baseball magazines with my name on it started arriving at my house. And I realized that one Major League Baseball team's closer had a great season last year and I didn't know his name. And that left me beside myself. I went on Wikipedia asking myself, "So who is this guy?" He didn't even play for one of my team's rivals. Every day, I come home from work and wonder what happened in baseball that day. My walk with Christ has at times grown very dull, and one of the ways that manifests itself is through an increased interest in sports. Although a win or loss by my teams does not have a great effect on me, sports is still a broken cistern that I run to when Christ is not satisfying enough.

For those in full-time ministry, following sports or being entertained may be an interesting diversion from the duties of ministry. But those who work full-time in secular jobs must at times make a choice between God and entertainment. If work takes up most of life and entertainment takes up the rest, life is not Christ-centered; Christ becomes a mere afterthought at best.

The Christian's relationship to sports must become somewhat of a balancing act. Saying no one can ever watch a game is legalistic, using outward obedience to a revolting law to try to force inward change in the heart, when it just cannot do that. This can be said of any kind of entertainment that is not inherently sinful: movies, video games, the arts, and so on. These can all be used to make much of the Lord. And sometimes people legitimately need a break. Scripture does recognize a benefit in physical exercise as well. I have told some people that if they are fat as a result of not keeping a proper diet and exercise routine, they are in sin. But the passion that leads people to spend whole days bodybuilding in the gym or sitting on the couch watching pregame shows, games, postgame shows, and SportsCenter must be tempered in the life of the Christian. Just today, God brought to my attention that I read an entire sports magazine (I only read the ones that only discuss sports! ;-) ) before I read anything in the Bible. I should be diving into Scripture, because it is life. Why is Scripture so often familiar and dull to me? Why must I rely so heavily on preachers and writers to expound it for me so that I may see its value and beauty? Yet if I sit in a half-billion-dollar sporting cathedral that I helped pay for as a taxpayer and I see a new player on my team, I want to read all of his statistics and scouting report and know all about him. I will probably never meet the guy.

Some of my friends are up in arms about the NFL lockout and its possibility of canceling the NFL season this year. I submit to you that a loss of an American football season may be the best thing that can happen to the American church this year, particularly to its men. Yet in 2004-2005 when the NHL lost a season to a labor dispute, I still found other places to get my hockey fix: video games and listening to juniors games via internet radio. Even now I take some pleasure in the fact that some of those juniors players have made it to the NHL and become stars there. So a lost season by itself will not do anything to drive American men away from chasing these inferior pursuits instead of Christ and Biblical manhood, which gives them a full-time calling to represent their families before God, represent God to their families, and provide for and protect them. Many will still run to college football or to other sports or other hobbies to get their fix. God must do a work to set our affections on Him alone. If He does this to save even one soul or to draw even one soul nearer to His heart, even the economic impacts of a lost season would be worth it, because Christ has infinite worth and you therefore cannot quantify the value of knowing Him.

I have even noticed the impact of sports on my life in what I wear. Any time I wear a hat or a shirt with a team's logo, I give them some sort of homage or support. Yet it would be absurd to say that it is wrong for a Christian to wear anything that supports a sports team, that they can only wear plain colors and patterns or that they must wear Christian t-shirts all the time. (I used to be a church kid that always wore Christian t-shirts. And I was a hypocrite in doing it!) And it is pointless to add man-made rules on top of God's law, when none of us can obey the whole law of God in the first place. One broken rule at any time in life, and we are a goner; we might as well have broken every law. And everyone has. This is why we need the gospel!

Culture is ingrained in us and has a deep influence over what we buy and sell; everything in any economy (save for probably subsistence farming) is strongly influenced by what culture believes we need on top of what we actually need. The only way to escape this is to leave American culture, and even then that does not diminish the importance of the calling that God has given me to be a light where He has placed me and feel my way towards Him in this cultural context for as long as He would have me live in it. Leaving where He has placed me for an ascetic life somewhere else does not destroy the root idols of my heart, although if He sends me I must be willing to go; maybe that is what He wants in order to glorify Himself in me. We must know when to take part in the different areas of our culture and when we need to separate from them for a time to draw closer to the Lord. Putting a regulation on this is impossible because, although all Christians must be growing closer to God, what that looks like practically can vary significantly from one Christian to another.

Yet my point is this. I don't want people to look at me and only see my work or my interests - or to see some condescending church kid who is so holy that he does not need Christ - and judge me based on that. I have great need of Him. I want to be like Him so that when others see me, they don't see me, and they don't see some level of self-willed holiness that they must attain to be close to God. If they look at me and see my Jesus and nothing else - if nothing stands in the way of His person and work being demonstrated in my life - if they see me attacking my many sins with violent, grace-driven effort, consumed by a desire that Christ alone be praised in my life - that is a blessing. Is there anything I would not give to let this happen?

Chisel me, Lord.

Adored, Part 1

Here lies a solitary rose,
Isolated, but for the hurt of human's foot,
Stormy weather's ravage, and time's decay -
A flower that no romantic chose
To give his darling, for the grimy soot
Surrounding it would make her turn away.

Here stands a maiden to one side,
Ashamed of her beauty, for she has worked outside -
Her words of comfort to herself, she sighs,
In contrast to the looks that say, "You'll never be a wife",
From girls in dollhouses, with the light-skinned, easy life:
"Dark may my skin appear, but fair am I."

Yet He, the Lover, sees no flaw in her:
Among the thorns, He sees His choicest fleur.
He will not defer the honor He confers:
"I love you for what I will make you, not what you were."

They say, "Hasten now before the moment dies",
Yet today, love stays bound with virtue's ties.
In this story now, it leads her to surmise:
True love has not desired to arise.

After gazing out all day, now her eyes will widen:
She sees her faithful Lover leaping hills on the horizon.
He ran days' journey so that she could see His face,
Like the prodigal's father, letting law give way to grace.

With storms of winter past, the trees bud with the signs
That springtime, by design, has brought life's signs to the vines.
Yet early in this story we still see this lesson hard:
Many fruit-destroying foxes still roam His sacred yard.

She tries to catch each fox alone, but they slip from her hands.
They keep running over every plant in the small vineyard's spans.
But mercy still flows from the future-scarred hands of the Lover:
For these idols He purges from His Bride, His death stands to cover!

The Lover seems to disappear, though her heart still desires
To take today to make way for their love's burning fires.
Yet to do it all now would wrap her in dire briars.
"True love still sleeps now", she repeats the refrain prior.

But oh, how her heart burns when she seems spurned.
His hard lesson: Leave no idol's stone unturned!
Her heart has sins to kill, not just to maim.
He has a sweeter stone to give her: white, with a new name.