"Anchor of my soul, You sustain."

It's been hard to write for a while.  My pastor announced in August that he was stepping down at the end of the year, but recent events in our church caused him to leave already.  None of it was his fault or directly involved him.  Our first service without him was on Sunday.  Ironically, our church anniversary is next week and we're supposed to have a party.

So I've been on a pastoral search committee for a little over a month now, and I'm working on a redesign for the church's website that I need to have in my portfolio ASAP so that I can get other work.  I'm on the church's finance committee too, and next year's budget will be due soon.  Ministry is getting busier across the board.  Last week, during the circumstances where our pastor stepped down, I was in meetings or on the phone with people every day of the week trying to mediate.  The pastor's job has fallen on the elders and deacons until we have another pastor (interim or permanent).  We should all be busier.  And I'm busier in ministry than I have ever been.

Meanwhile, my business is slow.  This week I'm really starting to pound the market for leads, but I'm making less than a dollar an hour most weeks (over more than 40 hours per week!) and I still have real bills.  I've lost money every week for over 6 months now.  The car insurance bill just came.  One of the hardest parts is having to study a whole new profession while I do all of this.  My savings are starting to take a hit, both for funding the business and paying bills.

But I'll stick to my original commitment of giving the business at least a year to succeed before I think about being an employee again.  There's practically nothing worse for me in ministry than to have a heart for missions but a job that ties me down to living in this state and sitting behind a desk 50+ weeks out of the year or that forces me into a state with an even higher cost of living while doing the same.  Why limit myself to only 2 weeks a year of living with a purpose?

This raises another question.  After all of those meetings going on at church, I was taking a walk around town while listening to a sermon by Tim Keller from Romans 12:1-8.  I think it was called "Everyone with a Gift".  He gave a very interesting illustration from Dr. John Gerstner.  I'll paraphrase it here.

An American woman in the 1930s was saved at a Christian conference at the age of 15 or 16.  Unlike many people who profess faith in such circumstances, she made a commitment to Christ and stuck to it.  She wanted to take her hands off her life and give everything to God as a lifetime missionary.  So she decided she would go to Bible college and eventually go into full-time missions in Asia.  

At this time, single women were not going to Asia to be missionaries.  It was not safe for them to travel there without a husband.  The missions boards told her that she needed cross-cultural training and she needed to be married before they would send her.  Near the end of high school, this young woman prayed: 

"Lord, I take my hands off my life.  I give you everything.  I don't care about a comfortable life.  I don't care about a safe life.  I'm going to give You my whole life. ... I'm going to do all the training I need.  There is only one thing I need from You: I just need a husband."

She went through Bible college, knowing that it would not prepare her for many other careers, and graduated without a husband, no boyfriend, no prospects.  Then she went to a missionary training school, like a grad school.

On the last night of grad school, she still had no husband, no boyfriend, and no prospects.  She said she sat in her dorm room "an angry young woman", wrestling and struggling with God.

That night, she realized that she had been kidding herself.  Pastor Keller said,

"She was not miserable because she had taken her hands off her life.  She was miserable because she never had. ... She had this idea of a noble, heroic life.  And she was telling God, 'That's the life You've got to give me. ... And here's how You've got to get it for me.'  And she was doing basically everything she could so that she could put God in her debt so He'd have to do it.  And she realized, '... I was using God.  I wasn't serving God!  I was telling [Him] what He had to do!'"  

Dr. Gerstner closed his sermon with this:

"If that girl, who spent a third of her life being ready for missionary service, saying goodbye to everything, to fun, to safety, to comfort - to everything - and thought she had taken her hands off her life, and that night realized she never had done it... do you think you have, then?  I doubt it."

Pastor Keller's conclusion was this:

"She was saying, 'I'll obey if.'  Whatever's on the other side of the 'if' is the real thing you are sacrificing for.  And it's not God."

So what does God want me to do about work, life, ministry, missions, ...?  Only He can answer that question - because I call Him "Lord".  If He thinks this treating new career as tentmaking and going overseas for the gospel will give Him the most glory, He will do it.

I have to get to a point where my future wife/asawa/esposa/moglie/patni/soție/vợ/etc. (for the record, I care a lot less about her ethnicity than you might think) is not the real thing I am sacrificing for, but God alone is.  I think I'm closer but still not there yet.  I was just reminded of that again after I went to a great wedding this weekend and caught the garter during the reception.  I forgot what I was supposed to do with it next.  People wanted pictures with me, and then I left to go to dinner with one of my Bible study groups.  Many people think I'm a good catch - my friends, young ladies' parents, and so on - everyone but the young ladies themselves.  This idol must go.

But I have a lot more peace now than I did a year ago when I was taking large paychecks every other week to exhaust myself in a line of work that I had never prayed about going into.

-----

"... who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations,
Praising God instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith.
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land,
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me the strength to stand.
You're my greatest pleasure, yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake.
My fragile life is safe under Your sovereign grace. ...
"At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony and through the tragedy asks himself, 'how can this happen to me?'
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life
but slip because your grip is not as tight as I might like. ...
When faced with adversity your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease and with words you're turning wind to breeze.
It helps me to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain, You perfect Your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith.
And even though it's obvious, when my outlook's ominous
You've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me,
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding.
"Anchor of my soul, You sustain. You sustain.
When I'm in the storm, You remain. You remain -Good to me, good to me."
- Beautiful Eulogy feat. Josh Garrels, "Anchor".
Thanks YouTube for the lyrics.

-----

"Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Like even when I'm with her, I'm itching to get rid of her. And she only gives you one shot. Blow it, and she's gone.

"I took advantage of her.  That's why I'm telling you this: you can't rush her - or slow her down. You better keep her by your side, she will slip through your fingers like sand.  Her name is TIME. 

"She told me a secret: that multitasking is a myth; you're not doing anything good, just everything awful. She begged me to stop stretching her thin, and stuffing her full, and stop being so concerned with the old her and future her, but love her NOW!  

"Her presence is God's present.  And you should be that: present."
- Propaganda, "Be Present".

"If I ever lose sight, come and get me."

"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful."  —Mark 4:18-19.

I haven't touched this blog in a while.  I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April.  I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it.  The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients.  And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.

"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."

One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next".  Going there was a great, refreshing time.  I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me.  It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future.  This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference.  I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida.  Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing.  I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person.  My habitat should be the tropics.

Am I Jonah?  Are they my gourd?  Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment".  Church life is definitely not like conference life.  At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon.  My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant.  There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.

"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me?  If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."

But can I just be honest?  Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired.  You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first.  I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God.  Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead?  But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."

I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving.  When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church.  Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's.  But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in.  At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move.  And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.

I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry.  The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell.  Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent.  But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.

Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area.  One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church.  Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors.  Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut.  One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired.  Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow.  I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years.  But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it?  Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family?  There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing.  It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.

There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him.  But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest.  The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too.  There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest.  God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do.  But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?

"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".

Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.

That real life music...

"Eh, they say hind sight is 20/20.  Well, they're right.  It's behind me.

Back for the third time - you know where to find me!

Hanging on the coat tail of Christ, who designed me -

Keep me off your brain.  In other words, don't mind me. ...

"We ain't in a dream world.  We're spitting that real life.

We live in the real world, and know just what it feels like.

So we're pressing in like steel spikes.

To stand in a fallen world, it don't feel nice.

Eh, even if you're rich or you've got a lot of cash, 

You're still not exempt as everybody's on the map.

We all feel the pressure, heavy burdens on our backs -

Every day, it's still hard, but we're learning like it's class."

- Trip Lee.

My Easter weekend and week was interesting.  My host from the Philippines came into town for a few days during his whirlwind tour of the US, between the end of his semester in law school and his graduation.  We went to some extra services with my church's host church for Holy Week.  It was good to see everyone there and more passionate than they usually are.  On Saturday, we had a Bible study that went late into the night.  Many people who attended the Bible study didn't sleep that night because we had a sunrise service for Easter.

I decided to skip the sunrise service because my still-recurring headaches and jaw pain have given me tremendous trouble sleeping and I was not sure how much sleep I would actually get during the last few hours of Saturday night.  Despite trying many kinds of treatments and sleeping arrangements, I slept through the night only once during a whole month.  During the day, I usually have a dull headache that gets worse as the day goes on, occasionally stabbing pains, pains that shoot around my whole jaw, and popping ears.  It's bad.  Theologically correct or not, I've told some people that everyone in hell has this condition.

So I woke up about an hour later and went to the church that I had visited last Easter.  It was great to be in the presence of almost 4000 other Christians who were passionately worshiping the one true God through songs that echoed Biblical truth.  It felt like going to a conference again.  After the service, I loaded up on books and spent time with a college friend who I had not seen since I visited the same church a year prior.

We shared prayer requests.  I asked him to pray for my career situation, specifically mentioning that I have a desire to do full-time missions in the Philippines but no definite calling on whether I should stay here or drop everything and go there.  He said he would pray for it.

The next day was Monday.  I was back at work.  During two-plus months of this pain, I had not even taken one day off from work, though I've had three emergency dental visits in the last three weeks.  The morning went like a usual morning, with a few meetings.  I let my boss know that I would need to step out in the afternoon for a dental appointment.  He was fine with it.  I started eating lunch at my desk, while still working, while my office mates were out on their lunch break.  I started hearing rumblings about some "1:00 meeting" which I had figured was for a specific project that some others on the team were working on.

Then 1:00 came.  In the middle of lunch, my boss called me into the HR office.  They told me that my performance had not improved enough since my review in January (although all marks on that review were officially good) and I could not work there anymore.  They were seeing my pain as an excuse rather than the root cause why my performance had not improved.  I explained this, but didn't bother to try fighting to keep my job.

I've really been wrestling with whether I should make this post public but anonymous on my blog or private for my Facebook friends.  This is not the first time I have lost my job.  Actually, it's the third.  The first two times, I was laid off for circumstances that were not my fault.  This time, it is officially my fault, though I think others should at least share some blame for it.  But I hate going to church and hearing "How's your job search?" instead of "Hi, how are you?" from so many of my friends.  So I've only told a few of them.

I'm also not sure whether or not I should try to fight to stay in this line of work or not.  The last place made me, occasionally, legitimately hate what I was doing for a living.  I have several choices now.  One is to look for another job - not preferable, but I'm starting to put feelers out anyway.  One is to start freelancing in hopes that it will get successful and I'll be able to live in the Philippines and keep doing it in the future.  One is to do paid work with a nonprofit or charity.  One is to become a missionary to the Philippines - and anyone who has read this blog long enough would know that I have a specific burden for that country.

During the past two weeks, I've mostly just been sleeping a lot.  I hope it is not laziness, but rather a legitimate need to rest after the pain had kept me awake every night for a month.  The pain has subsided to the point where I can function now, though my ears are still popping.  I've been staying in my house for several days at a time and rarely going out anywhere.  It feels like being a hermit.

My relationship with God has seemed distant since Easter.  Due to the pain, I haven't fasted recently; I will try to fast again soon.  And most days, I've woken up and gone straight to my computer to do research for this job hunt / career change / whatever this is going to be.  I've barely prayed about it at all and have barely been in the Word.  You can have a theology blog, be registered to attend another conference in a month, and have a relationship with God that is barely there at all.  I feel ready to worship, but without spending much time with Him - it seems more accurate that I am ready to let out emotion for emotion's sake and call it worship.

A question that keeps coming back to me is: If I stay in this line of work, does that show a lack of faith?  If I stay in America, does it show a lack of faith?  If I start another job that gives me only two weeks a year of vacation (standard in the US), I won't be able to go back to the Philippines until the end of 2013 - if the trip gets approved again.

On the other hand, a friend who is a missionary tweeted earlier this morning encouraging believers to sell all for Christ now.  Another friend who is leaving for South America as a full-time missionary in the summer told me that a trend in his missions organization is to  be an expatriate worker.  That is how a lot of missions to the unreached is being done.  I know several people who expatriated to the Philippines, though their reasons were related more to work than to missions.  There also seems to be a lot of options to teach at schools for missionary kids there, but that seems more like just supporting missions to me rather than being on the front lines.

I know my family wants me to stay in the corporate world, despite my failure there so far.  They don't want me to go and stay in the Philippines.  To many Americans, success equals success in the corporate arena.  To many Filipinos, the same is true.

I hope that whatever decision I make is legitimately surrendered to God and not based on unbelief or fear.  On the way home from work two Mondays ago, I was not crying or screaming at God as I had been after both of my layoffs in previous years.  I was peacefully surrendered to whatever God has for me next - holding my career and ambitions with an open hand and telling Him that I wanted Him to do what He wanted with it.  That's probably the most peace I have had in a while about my direction in life.

Surrender to God must not be a flash in the pan, decided in the moment and then forgotten about.  Whoever leaves anything or anyone for the sake of Christ will receive their reward in eternity:

"Then Peter said to Him, 'Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what then will there be for us?' And Jesus said to them, 'Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on His glorious throne, you also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name’s sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last; and the last, first.'"  (Matthew 19:27-30)

My copy of Let the Nations Be Glad arrived a few days ago.  I have read only a few pages in the preface so far and have tried to really dwell on what is being said:

"All the earth-shaking awesome forces unleashed on the world are released by the Lord Jesus Christ.  He reigns today.  He is in the control room of the universe.  He is the only Ultimate Cause; all the sins of man and machinations of Satan ultimately have to enhance the glory and kingdom of our Saviour.  This is true of our world today - in wars, famines, earthquakes, or the evil that apparently has the ascendancy.  We have become too enemy-conscious, and can over-do the spiritual warfare aspect of intercession.  We need to be more God-conscious, so that we can laugh the laugh of faith knowing that we have power over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19).  He has already lost control because of Calvary where the Lamb was slain.  What confidence and rest of heart this gives us as we face a world in turmoil and such spiritual need."
- Patrick Johnstone, Operation World.

Regardless of how we choose to promote Him, we must promote Him.  The Lamb will receive the full reward of His suffering.  Don't we want to be used in that great cause?

"9 After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; 10 and they cry out with a loud voice, saying,
   “Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” 11 And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying,
   “Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen.”
 13 Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, “These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?” 14 I said to him, “My lord, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15 For this reason, they are before the throne of God; and they serve Him day and night in His temple; and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them. 16 They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; 17 for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”"
- Revelation 7:9-17.

Sunday is only a shadow.

Second Thoughts on Park Days and a Philippines Update

For the past 4 years, I have been a season pass holder at my home theme park and have already renewed earlier this month for a fifth season there. But for the first time, I have felt convicted about that recently.

A lot of hobbies start off with very good intentions. I once took a homeless young man to the park with me, paying for the trip myself, and he had the time of his life. I also took a janitor from one of my previous employers to the park with me and allowed him to spend the whole day riding rides with me and other Christian in our office. On other occasions, I have been a single rider but have spent days befriending other single riders from other states and regions. I became friends on Facebook with one of them, and he has been able to see the many Christian quotes I put on my personal Facebook page. So I began to look at park visits as something with potential for evangelism and fellowship.

This year has been different. My usual park buddy from the past 3 seasons got married this spring. I went to the park with him in April before he got married. Other than that, all of my visits have been solo. This year, I have become more of a loner than I was in the past. So the visits this fall have been not only solo, but mostly silent. On my most recent visit, I barely interacted with anyone, just rode rides and interacted a minimal amount with the crews. The weather was awful for riding, but I went anyway because I knew the lines would be short. For the past two visits, the weather was sunny and I could spend the whole way there praying and the whole way back worshiping God in song. This time, I needed music on for the morning drive because it was cloudy. On the way back, I still worshiped but could not feel the reality of the songs in my life. It was mostly emotionless singing into empty space to admire the sound of my own voice. It was hollow, selfish worship using God-centered words.

The week had gone well up to that point. On Monday, my leave had been approved for going to the Philippines. (Since then, I have bought the tickets! :-) ) I had been reading more than I had in most other parts of the year. On the surface I looked pretty holy for the week. But after I got back, God started to reinforce that this park visit was selfish.

As a coaster enthusiast, I keep meticulous ride logs that include the total number of rides I take in each visit, my running totals for the year for each, and where I sat on the train for each ride. But yesterday, my main motive for going was just to make sure that I had more coaster rides this year than last year. I thought I had been slacking off.

But what else could I have been doing? As much as I dislike going to weddings, one of my other friends was getting married that day. There was no Saturday night service for that week, although I had arrived back from the park in time for that. So I could not minister to anyone in my church. It was a lost day, and it is better to lose my life than to waste it.

Going to the Philippines might help me to be less self-centered, and not just because cultures in the East tend to be more group-minded while American culture focuses much more on the individual. Pending a background check, I will get to see at least one of the children that I sponsor. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for his different world. But I don't know what to expect. I know some academic statistics about the international poverty line and how I can't buy a sandwich at Subway here with the money that most people there make in a week - if they can even find work for the day. I have seen pictures of the children that I have sponsored. But I have never been able to reach out my hand and touch a person who is truly poor by global standards. How could this affect me?

I hope and pray that these kids do not see me as an alternate Savior. My American lifestyle - wartime or not - could be a stumbling block that keeps them from seeing the gospel. They have needed to have faith for basic provisions in ways that I have not. But Scripture says, over and over, that as a Christian, I need to help people in need. So, although I seem to do a lot compared to many others in my church, I do very little when I compare myself to the Word. I should be doing more than just sending some money every month. My work weeks know very little of sacrifice, except for giving a good deal of time and effort to do work for others. Working in a job is not often a very voluntary form of service. A person who is common will do that same job and just take the money. A person who is consecrated will not stop there.

So in about 7 weeks, God willing, I will board a flight to the Philippines, not knowing what I may see there. I come with five loaves and two fish, trusting God to do with it as He will - and may that include feeding His sheep and drawing more into His kingdom?

You may be praying for God's plan to be carried out in some area. But some people only have the willingness to pray. Sometimes God's answer to those prayers is to set you on a course to do something through you for His glory. Recently, I have been more convicted that I should spend less time in solitude having high-flown thoughts about serving others and sharing the gospel, and more time actually serving others and sharing the gospel. One could say that the reason is the survival of my church, but that makes an idol out of my church. God will do as He wants with our church, but is His glory really our motivation for serving Him?

Although not entirely related, I feel compelled to mention this. What is the glory of God? Is it only seen in doing things for others, which seems to be the point of Jaeson Ma's song "Glory"? If the glory of God is only reflected in other people and is centered on man, as it were, then either 1) man is the origin of that glory and when God created man, man was given an attribute (glory) that God himself did not have, or 2) God didn't have glory until He created man, which means He gained a new attribute at creation which He has not had since eternity past, and thus He would not be an unchanging God. On another hand, if you don't realize that God does glorify Himself through changing the lives of people, your Christianity will not do any good for the world.

God is an eternally glorious being Who has displayed perfect love and perfect glory among His three Persons (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) since before the world began. He created the universe as a means of glorifying Himself through the vast reaches of space and time. But His glory is eternal. Therefore, when we do things that give Him glory (not that we can give Him any that He does not already have; He needs nothing from us but graciously allows us to serve Him), that is an eternal investment and prevents our lives from being wasted on ourselves.

If you have prayed for me to go to the Philippines, thank you! This is something I have wanted to do for about ten years now for various reasons, but God had to refine those reasons and connect me with the right people in order to glorify Himself through it and not just give me an expensive vacation. I don't know why, but I was just thanking God for it without any tears since I found out I could go, although many tears in the past several years have gone into the prayers that I would go. Maybe it has not completely hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I am actually on the plane. :-)

Philippines: How Would I React to "No"?

Almost exactly a year ago, I posted a series of notes (part 1, part 2, part 3) that addressed the importance of Christians obeying the government. Interestingly enough, a similar topic has now come back in my life a year later, but in a work context.

If you have followed this blog for a while, you would have seen a lot of posts tagged "Philippines", including this one. One of my pastor's friends from a church where he served previously in the Philippines spent one of his semester breaks from law school in the US and made a special trip to our church to help out with our young adults' camp for several days. During the camp and afterward, he ministered to me and others in my church and sought to be as much of a blessing as possible during his short time with us. He is now back in law school, rarely having the time or opportunity for fellowship with other believers, and could use encouragement from any of his friends in the Philippines or the US.

Now I am attempting to go to the Philippines to see him and to visit one of the children who I sponsor. This would be my first trip traveling outside the US, and because others that I know who may have been able to go with me cannot go, I would be taking the trip alone. I would go mainly for a vacation (I need one badly), but I would also want to minister to others and serve the Lord while I am there. Because of family obligations, I would need to spend Christmas on a separate trip within the US and fly to the Philippines from there. The trip itself would last for the rest of his break from law school, and then I would come back and try to return to work within the next several days.

Last week, I saw some very encouraging developments that made taking this trip more possible. My friend emerged from his busy semester in law school (the Philippines has a different school year) with a successful finals week and was able to get back in touch. Several days later, my family gave their support of the trip. This was astonishing. They had been supportive of it when I had a young lady to go see, but since I no longer do, they often asked, "You're going around the world to see a guy?" They are used to young women driving my motives for just about everything. Although I do not try to do that anymore, my sense of humor, which at times relies heavily on self-parody, still reinforces that perception of me, especially with those who have known me the longest.

On Thursday, I mentioned the trip to my boss. Although I mentioned a trip to the Philippines even before I joined the company, at the time it was still a trip on which I expected to become engaged. Yet I continued to save my leave for a trip to the Philippines throughout this year without knowing much as to why, just sensing the need to do it for reasons larger than glorifying myself - and the possibility, however unlikely, that I could go this year. Although I like my job for the most part, I allowed myself to become very burnt out in it, especially during the late summer and early fall, taking as little time off as possible to continue saving leave for this trip.

Independently of my boss's reaction, an answer to prayer happened that day from an unexpected source. Earlier in the week, I had prayed on the way to work that I would bear more of the fruit of the Spirit. Often, my joy becomes very tied to my spiritual performance and to my performance at work. I expect little from others, just that they will do their job and make a good effort, but I am often a ruthless perfectionist in regards to myself. With nothing to look forward to in life for most of this year, I have become very upset when I have not performed well at work and allowed my life and testimony to go into a tailspin as others in my office see how I react to that. I started to buy the notion that no one in this office wants my Jesus because He makes my life more difficult and makes me depressed and occasionally unapproachable. Christ was not causing those bouts of depression during each workweek. I was. Even the renewed possibility of this trip made me much more at peace than usual, and I was able to work pretty well on Thursday and Friday despite being sick.

My boss, who likes to kid around, initially said no when I asked to request the time off. Then I told him that I wanted to go to the Philippines for a couple weeks and he was fine with it. And I thought, "This has to be God's will." My boss likes to mock Christians once in a while even though he has several working for him. I went to HR the following day to check on my leave balances before I put in the paperwork. I gave her more background on my trip, and her reaction was very positive. Having a clearer understanding of the dates, I submitted my time off request.

Most of the trip would be after the New Year due to schedule constraints. The catch is my company's leave policy. The policy limits how much leave I can carry into the new year. With that constraint, my trip would require more leave than that. They made an exception for my team last year so that we could make a deadline, but this year they will not be doing that. Most likely, I would have to go negative with my leave or work extended hours on about half a day's jet lag for the rest of my first week back. The company tries to not advance leave to anyone. The company's top-level executives will have a meeting tomorrow, at which they will discuss whether to let me take my trip. I would appreciate your prayers for that meeting.

I don't want just thinking about this trip to be the most rewarding experience of my life so far. I want to actually take this trip, minister to my friend and sponsored child in person, and see more of what God is doing in the nations - to sing with the stars and the whales, "How great" - how merciful - how just - how faithful - how wise - how powerful - how present - how gracious - how loving - how satisfying - how holy, holy, holy - "is our God" - my Creator - my Savior - my Rock and my Redeemer, in Whom I trust. He is the Lord over all, from the rotating and colliding galaxies to the subatomic particles that praise their Designer out of the sight of human eyes, and also my Lord, who will allow me to go where He would have me go to give Him glory. May I be a faithful servant, qualified to do His will.

So, what does this have to do with earthly authority? God is teaching me something by leaving me hanging during this weekend. He is giving me a greater sense of dependence on Him and allowing me to work closer to Him than usual. My reaction to the outcome of that meeting, whatever it is, is also a tool for me to make much of Christ. And part of the fruit of the Spirit is kind words - showing grace to my employer and not reacting harshly if they tell me no.

My boss and I stayed late at work on Friday and were talking about the trip and the executive meeting after we finished working. My conclusion there was, "We'll see what happens, and I just need to respect their decision." The executives have worked hard to keep our company in business and profitable, and they deserve the titles that they have. If they say no, I am convinced that the most professional way - and the best witness as a Christian - is not for me to tell them, "To heck with you, I'll just get another job and start there in January", and attempt to still take the trip. It is to stay in my current position and continue to serve my employer humbly and as intelligently as I know how.

I don't say this dogmatically for everyone, but just as how I am convinced to act in my own life based on wisdom. God does not really have a will of direction, only wills of decree and desire. He gives us wisdom so that we can make intelligent decisions that please Him without waiting for visions, fleeces, or writing in the sky. And He has a reason why He got me out of the work that I had been doing (at companies that gave me more leave, where it looked like it would have been more possible for me to take this trip), to make much of Him in this specific job. He has given it to me as a means to become better at my craft and support my local church financially while saving to buy a house. And, having been on the other side of (un)employment too, I praise Him for providing for me in this position. It appears He is giving me more than my daily bread now in part so that if He ever allows me to lead my own family, we can creatively live off of one income and, hopefully, practice wartime living.

I grew up as a young punk with a disdain for authority, and in some ways my ideas still jar with the establishment. As a minarchist idealistically, I'll probably never vote willingly for a Republicrat. In business, I shy away from buzzwords as much as possible and just focus on getting my job done. But it is still possible for somebody like me, as likely to listen to Celtic rock and old-school punk as gospel rap, to submit to authority genuinely without kissing up. And God is glorified in that. This is a way to be "faithful over a few things" (Matthew 25:23).

So, to end today's post, I quote these lines from 116 Clique's song "Authority", not at my company, but to myself:

"You ask them, what's a man?

They say, that dude that's got them stacks on stacks [of money]

in rubber bands, finger to the government.

'I want it; I get it; it's mine.

Can't tell me nothing, bro.

My money, my girl, and my nine:

These [are] my rules. What [are] you talkin' 'bout?'

No one man should have all that power.

He doesn't have it 'cause power is not ours!

Sinning like you're in control - no, you are owned.

God is running it. Do as you're told.

Ok, let me talk to him real quick:

Somebody being over me? We say, 'No, no!'

But we gotta get that if we are not submitting,

Then we're missing the fact that we are not our own.

Only God can judge me. And the Judge says,

'If you do not follow, then you can't lead.'

Get it? Live it. Got it? Good.

"If you can't follow, you can't ever lead.

And you don't run a thing 'til you run into the King.

Hey, Who I follow's who they follow when they follow me.

A real man bows down to authority!"

(I encourage comments, but please be sensitive to preserve my anonymity by not mentioning anything that would identify me or my employer.)

Reflections on a Difficult NHL and KHL Offseason

2011 was possibly the most awkward and sad offseason in recent history for hockey. As the offseason neared its end and players took to the ice for their season openers during the past several days, I entered the new season with excitement but with a sobering thought I had never had in 16 years of following hockey: "At least no one else in hockey will die during the offseason this year."

"On May 13, 2011, [Derek] Boogaard was found dead in his Minneapolis apartment by family members. He was found unconscious and not breathing. Minneapolis Fire Department members were the first to arrive, and they pronounced him dead. He was a month and ten days short of his 29th birthday. ... An autopsy was performed, the results of which led a Minnesota medical examiner to conclude that Boogaard's death was accidental, albeit due to the lethal mixing of alcohol and oxycodone."

"A family member found [Rick] Rypien dead in his Crowsnest Pass, Alberta, home August 15, 2011. The cause of death was later confirmed as suicide. It is noted that he was battling depression for more than ten years."

"At approximately 1:33 p.m. on August 31, 2011, [Wade] Belak was found dead in a condo at the One King Street West hotel in Toronto. Police have not confirmed a cause of death, but Toronto Police treated it as a suicide. He was 35 years old, and had been preparing to take part in the upcoming season of Battle of the Blades. His death was the third in a string of NHL players found dead in a four-month span, following Derek Boogaard and Rick Rypien. His mother stated that he had been suffering from depression."

As a fan of fighting in hockey (and I don't want to start a debate over that here), I would go home from work and play hockey video games where I would fight against these three men and dozens of others like them. But video games miss the humanity of these men. Even the most diligent, most meticulous creators of video games can recreate humans at a mere photographic or cinematic level at best. Characters in video games do not go home to their families and friends and personally affect their lives. Characters in video games do not have to answer in a real-life court of law for their actions on or off the field. Their off-field struggles are, at best, a storyline to make the games more interesting.

In case the hockey world had not already experienced enough sadness for a decade during one offseason, one week after Belak's death, we heard about the horrific loss of, initially, 36 passengers and 7 of 8 crew members aboard a Yak-Service Yakovlev Yak-42 aircraft, which was carrying Lokomotiv Yaroslavl of the Kontinental Hockey League to Minsk, Belarus, to begin their 2011-12 season. Alexander Galimov remained conscious for several hours after the impact but was ultimately induced into a coma and died in hospital five days after the crash. The crash claimed the life of a Stanley Cup champion, Josef Vasicek. Vasicek, Karel Rachunek, Jan Marek, and Stefan Liv had also each won a gold medal at the World Championships. Liv had won an Olympic gold medal with Sweden in 2010. Karlis Skrastins held the NHL record for the most consecutive games by a defenseman. Pavol Demitra had gone to the KHL after a long and successful NHL career that saw him score 304 goals, appear in three All-Star games, and win the Lady Byng trophy as the league's most gentlemanly player. These losses, and the others, were huge losses for a great sport. Their impact will be felt during the years to come, not only for their families and others within one or two degrees of separation, but for entire teams and fanbases, everywhere that hockey is played or followed.

Every player and coach on the team died except for Maxim Zyuzyakin, a 20-year-old forward who head coach Brad McCrimmon asked to stay in Yaroslavl to rest and meet with them for their next game, and goaltending coach Jorma Valtonen, who was asked to stay in Yaroslavl to work with the junior team. The decisions to keep Zyuzyakin and Valtonen in Yaroslavl meant that their head coach saved their lives while the rest of their team boarded a plane to Minsk expecting to play their next game, but did not arrive in Minsk to play it. On the flip side, another 20-year-old player, defenseman Yuri Urychev, could not play the game in Minsk because he was injured and suspended, but he made the trip with his team anyway. Dedication to his team cost him his life.

A question many Americans tend to ask in response to a tragedy - most commonly, 10 years ago in response to the terrorist attacks in New York and DC - is "Where was God in this?" I do not know if Europeans would ask the same or a similar question. Americans ask it because, historically, we have had a nominally religious country, where faith in God is still a very influential factor in political candidacies and God takes the blame for a lot of tragic events, but we can take a look around us to demonstrate that this country is largely not Christian. A missionary friend on deputation to go to Europe told me that Europe has largely moved away from its formalistic religious traditions and become largely secular. Indeed, I have searched for and not seen any religiously-influenced responses to the tragedies of this past several months in hockey. Despite being neither a journalist nor a pastor, I might be the first.

Few players in professional hockey publicly promote any kind of religion. When Nazem Kadri practices his Muslim faith or his teammate James Reimer speaks out as a Christian, the hockey world sees that as unusual. I would venture to guess that hockey is probably the least religious, least spiritual of all major sports. In MLB, the NBA, and the NFL, expressing faith is more common. Thus it is fitting for the hockey world to have a largely aspiritual response to the deaths that occurred over this past offseason.

The tributes throughout the hockey world to their fallen teammates have been touching. Yaroslavl held a large mass funeral at their arena for their team's players and another one after Alexander Galimov died several days after the crash. Several NHL teams added memorials to their uniforms for their former players who had died in Yaroslavl. Several goaltenders have ordered new masks to pay tribute to their former teammates. The KHL delayed the start of its season by a week, and each of the seven games that took place on the new opening day began with a minute of silence.

True reflection on life takes more than a minute. The hockey world found these tragedies difficult but was able to resume cheering on the teams and players that remained. A hockey player does not skate around an artificial frozen pond, 200 feet long, solely for the purpose of making people cheer him on. He does not spend all 24 hours of each day skating in a vast cage bounded by ice, boards, Plexiglas, and the scoreboard and ceiling above him. After the game ends, the arena goes silent. The player must resume his life between the games. And so must you, as a fan. He, and you, have others in your lives to care for; a mind for thinking, planning, and reflecting; a heart for conveying a vast range of human emotions; and, most importantly and perhaps most overlooked of all, a soul.

Your purpose in life, regardless of your occupation or your beliefs, is to bring glory to God. That is the reason why you are here. There is a God who made and sovereignly controls this entire universe and everyone in it. As He made each facet of creation, He proclaimed that it was good and took joy in what He made. He watches and actively works as the galaxies, stars, planets, moons, oceans, plants, animals, cells, molecules, atoms, and subatomic particles work out His purpose. It all gives Him glory as He watches it on both the macro and micro scale. Humans are the only creatures with the capacity to hear what He has commanded them to do and refuse to do it. This is sin. It can be intentional or unintentional. You can commit sin without knowing what sin is.

Our cultures often give undue stress to certain kinds of hot-button sins, but God looks on the heart and the heart of every man, woman, and child is by nature sinful. If you wanted to stop evil, where would you stop it? It would be great to stop all killing, rape, human trafficking, assault, and theft in the world. Almost everyone considers those acts to be evil and does not like them. But what about lying - even white lies? What about slandering others, gossiping, insulting, or failing to respect others? What about thoughts of hatred, bitterness, envy, or wanting revenge against someone else? Do you think you have kept all ten commandments from the Torah: do not have any other gods before God, do not make carved images and worship them, do not take God's name in vain, honor your parents, do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not lie, and do not covet? Jesus said that if you hate someone, that is tantamount to murder; and if you lust after someone in your mind, that is as sinful as adultery. These are all sins against a God Who has never sinned and Who cannot tolerate any kind of sin in His presence. These are all ways around giving Him glory that we devise as we live for ourselves or for others instead of for Him. He has to do something about it.

If people lived forever, we could take a gander at how much knowledge they could achieve and what they could contribute to society as they each studied one or multiple fields for hundreds or thousands of years on end. But people would also develop an infinite capacity to do evil. Even people that desire to do their society as much good as possible have evil in their hearts, and there is a punishment for any kind of evil: death. Death is actually, in a sense, an act of mercy because if someone dies young, they have sinned less than someone who lives a long life. And by nature, we are also all deserving of hell, where we will successfully give God glory by being tormented for all eternity as He punishes us forever for all of our sins.

Many people downplay the reality of hell or think it is too harsh - "cruel and unusual punishment" for someone who is basically good. But consider the authority of the God Who you sin against. If you tell a lie to someone else in your family, they may be mad at you, but you still usually get away with it, in terms of going on with life as usual. If you tell a lie under oath in a court of law and the judge is just, he will punish you, probably send you to prison for a felony and take away many of your rights. That is only a judge. If you betray a friend, you will probably lose that friend. If you betray your country, you will, in many cases, lose your life because of treason. God is a Judge with a standard of absolute perfection and the only sovereign King of Kings. Every nation on the earth is a drop in the bucket to Him because He has absolute authority and sovereignty in all of the universe. Sin against a God with limitless power and authority, Who is alone worthy of absolute respect and worship from everyone in the world, deserves infinite punishment.

Death can free you from the power of sin in this life, but in His mercy, God has provided a means to be free from the eternal penalty of sin! You and I deserve to die for our sins against Him. So if anyone died for us, it would have to be another man, to adequately atone for our sins. Yet, if that man was also sinful like you and me, he would have our problem too; he could only die for his own sins and not escape the eternal penalty of them. The Man who died for us had to be perfect like God in order to satisfy the wrath of God. So God, in His plan of redemption, sent His Son, Jesus Christ, into the world to live the perfect life that we could not live and die the perfect death that we could not die. And because Jesus was not sinful, He did not remain dead, but rose again on the third day. The resurrection proved that He was without sin!

You know that you can be saved if this news has an effect on you. If it causes you to hate your sin, you have at least the beginnings of repentance over your sin - a change of mind that says you will not live for sin and self anymore, but live for Christ instead and make war with the sin that remains in your life. Aside from this, you need only to believe wholeheartedly that Christ can save you through His finished work on the cross. There are no magic words, good deeds, religious rituals, participation in ministry, or even preaching the gospel faithfully to others that can save you. Salvation is only by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ alone. And He can save you - and you need Him to save you - regardless of how much evil you have done. Please repent of your sins, even of your righteousness if that righteousness is only in yourself.

Christians still have indwelling sin in their lives, and they still die every day. However, they do not face the same judgment from God as unbelievers do. God will see unbelievers as their Judge, looking at all of their misdeeds and sentencing them to eternal punishment in hell. He will look at Christians as their Father, reward them for what they have done in their lives for Him, and usher them in to an eternity of joy with Him in heaven. There are many fake Christians in the world. The true Christians are those who see that they have been forgiven and, in response to that, do what He commands and live a changed life that proves their changed heart.

I am not going to say that the members of Lokomotiv Yaroslavl and the NHL players who died this offseason are definitely in heaven or definitely in hell. A lot of bad theology tends to come out at funerals, as people comfort one another with "He is in a better place now" and similar statements. Where they are now is known by them and God. I did not know any of them on a personal level or read much about their personal lives, so I do not know where they are. I will say this: if any of them genuinely knew Christ, those around them would have seen a difference in them from the other people around them. I hope that they did know Christ and are rejoicing with their Lord today. On the other hand, they had one life to use in bringing God glory. If they did not bring God glory here on earth, hell is eternal. You are still alive and still have your chance to turn from our sins and trust in Christ. How long you will remain alive and have that chance is not guaranteed. There were probably some people on that plane who thought they had more time.

Please do not think that this post was anti-hockey or anti-sports. In case you have not seen my writing before, I believe that work was created by God and any kind of work that is not wrong in itself (e.g. working as a career criminal) gives Him praise if done for that reason. This includes sports, as I wrote on "The Proper Place of Sports and Delighting in God". I wrote this, not to be hateful, but out of love for not only other hockey fans and anyone else who might read this, but more than that, for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who is worthy of all of my praise, worship, and obedience. The gospel, if presented accurately according to the Bible, is by its nature offensive. Yet through an offensive cross and a violent death, Jesus took on all of my sins and saved me and can do the same for you.

In conclusion, the new hockey season is underway on both sides of the Atlantic. Let's remember the players and coaches who can't be part of it and thankfully root on those who we still get to see.

On Laymen's Usefulness to the Kingdom

Recently I tweeted, "Who disheartens me more? People who want me to waste my life or people who think I need a seminary education to not waste it?"

I did not write that or this with the intention of appearing to be someone who makes a career out of criticizing the church; God has taught me a lot over the past year about how I should love the church instead of doing that. I write this instead out of love for the body of Christ and a desire to allow all of its parts to contribute what they can, for the glory of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We can be very good at times at saying to the other parts of the body, "I don't need you."

On one hand, many in the body of Christ are content with wasting their lives and helping others to do the same: working to provide themselves with as many of their material wants as possible, spending their spare time gaming or watching television, ending a Bible study after half an hour so that they can go eat ice cream, ignoring their own and others' spiritual needs for things that are not needs at all.

On the other hand, others tend to be the theological equivalent of an armchair quarterback. They fill up Biblical megachurches that burgeon with great doctrine, where every week they receive a course in systematic from the pulpit but they don't consider themselves or me to be qualified to teach others the truth of Scripture because they have never been to seminary or earned a long list of doctorates.

Here is a question: How useful are you if your head is full of sound doctrine, God has given you the ability to teach it to others, and all you do for the body of Christ is put away chairs in the fellowship hall, if even that? And furthermore, you tear down anyone who has a desire for the "higher gifts" but is not qualified in your view (regardless of Scripture's view) to use them?

All a Christian really needs to be used by God is a willing heart and a teachable spirit. Last night, a guest speaker preached at my church's Saturday night service for youth and young adults. He is college-age and has not been to Bible college or seminary. But our pastor has been discipling him, and he did a great job last night teaching us expositionally from John 17. I know I was blessed and challenged by his message. Yet many people would look down on him and would not have let him preach in their churches because of his age or the fact that his training was informal.

For every Biblical megachurch that has arrived at some lofty level, where the pastor has become a big name in Reformed circles, where thousands of people are able to gather after the service and discuss the finer points of the limited atonement over coffee, countless Biblical, Reformed churches exist where the work is just getting started or has grown slowly.

In my church, the work is growing steadily but not without cost. We began as a Filipino church plant, Reformed Baptist but emphasizing "Filipino" more than "Reformed Baptist". We became a great place for Filipino Christians who were just traveling through or recently settling in our area of the US to meet each other. As you may imagine, in uniting around "Filipino" more than "Reformed Baptist" we had many more non-Reformed Filipinos than Reformed Baptists. A new pastor joined our church last spring and took over our Senior Pastor role last fall. (I am not saying that either of my pastors is better than the other; they are both faithful servants of my Lord, and I love both of these men!) He shifted our church's emphasis to historic Reformed Baptist doctrine and has boldly proclaimed to us a gospel that costs us everything: our old way of life, ambitions, desires, everything; a gospel that makes the world oppose us. Most people do not want to hear that. So many of the old members of our church have left, some to go to churches where they just get an emotional high and hear what they want to hear. Praise God that He has brought many new people to our church, or there would not be many of us left.

On Easter, I did not write a new blog post because my church had a sunrise service. That was our only service for the day. Already awake, several of us decided to attend another service later that day. I decided to drive over an hour to one of the Biblical megachurches and hear about our Lord's resurrection from a well-known pastor. It was one of the most incredible church services I have ever attended. The worship was euphoric, singing songs with deep theological truth, with hands up all over the room! The sermon was on point as well. It really made me look forward to attending a conference later this year with some of the people that I met there. I also got to fellowship with two of my college friends who are members of that church.

God also used that service to, once again, confirm my calling to minister in my local church. Yes, it is good to go to a Biblical megachurch once in a while. I found that very encouraging and refreshing. Yet God has given me a Biblical church in the geographic area where He wants me to live and work during this season of my life. The work of ministry that He has given me to do is within my local church, to teach whenever I have the opportunity and serve as I can in the young adults' ministry, the men's ministry, and in the church as a whole. Starting the work is hard, and sustaining it when it does not grow as fast as we would like or I do not see all of the benefits I want to see from it is harder. And yet this work belongs to God, who alone determines its standards for success and its outcome. Those willing and qualified to be part of it work, knowing that God's Word does not return void and we do this for a God whose glory will never fade away. "Not unto us" can be a dangerous prayer indeed, with discouraging results if we look only to ourselves, but "for every look at self, take ten looks at Christ", and He will give us the strength to keep working.

My calling to travel to the Philippines still remains very much alive. Going to a church where I see many Filipinos allows me to fulfill my calling to the ones that live here, but I really want to go there and serve. But of course, one person (not from my church or Filipino) told me recently that I would basically be useless there because what their young men who want to do ministry really need is a seminary education, not just a layperson willing to show them, as much as possible, what right doctrine is. I'll let God determine that. All I know is there is a need to teach men there what true doctrine is because, although so many people in that country call themselves Christians, many heresies, false gospels, and false prophets have a very strong hold there and many people who think they are saved are on their way to hell because of that. Yet the desk where I sit right now to write this post has several wonderful theological books on it where I am learning much more truth than I am able to live out. Since I do my vocational work in America, I would not be able to stay in the Philippines for very long if I were able to go. But if I, even a sinful wretch as I, could go be an encouragement to those who can stay there and carry on or start that work, that trip would pay off in eternity.

Lord, for the sake of Your glory alone, please put me on that plane. Let me never say in the end that I have wasted my life or this calling.