"Anchor of my soul, You sustain."

It's been hard to write for a while.  My pastor announced in August that he was stepping down at the end of the year, but recent events in our church caused him to leave already.  None of it was his fault or directly involved him.  Our first service without him was on Sunday.  Ironically, our church anniversary is next week and we're supposed to have a party.

So I've been on a pastoral search committee for a little over a month now, and I'm working on a redesign for the church's website that I need to have in my portfolio ASAP so that I can get other work.  I'm on the church's finance committee too, and next year's budget will be due soon.  Ministry is getting busier across the board.  Last week, during the circumstances where our pastor stepped down, I was in meetings or on the phone with people every day of the week trying to mediate.  The pastor's job has fallen on the elders and deacons until we have another pastor (interim or permanent).  We should all be busier.  And I'm busier in ministry than I have ever been.

Meanwhile, my business is slow.  This week I'm really starting to pound the market for leads, but I'm making less than a dollar an hour most weeks (over more than 40 hours per week!) and I still have real bills.  I've lost money every week for over 6 months now.  The car insurance bill just came.  One of the hardest parts is having to study a whole new profession while I do all of this.  My savings are starting to take a hit, both for funding the business and paying bills.

But I'll stick to my original commitment of giving the business at least a year to succeed before I think about being an employee again.  There's practically nothing worse for me in ministry than to have a heart for missions but a job that ties me down to living in this state and sitting behind a desk 50+ weeks out of the year or that forces me into a state with an even higher cost of living while doing the same.  Why limit myself to only 2 weeks a year of living with a purpose?

This raises another question.  After all of those meetings going on at church, I was taking a walk around town while listening to a sermon by Tim Keller from Romans 12:1-8.  I think it was called "Everyone with a Gift".  He gave a very interesting illustration from Dr. John Gerstner.  I'll paraphrase it here.

An American woman in the 1930s was saved at a Christian conference at the age of 15 or 16.  Unlike many people who profess faith in such circumstances, she made a commitment to Christ and stuck to it.  She wanted to take her hands off her life and give everything to God as a lifetime missionary.  So she decided she would go to Bible college and eventually go into full-time missions in Asia.  

At this time, single women were not going to Asia to be missionaries.  It was not safe for them to travel there without a husband.  The missions boards told her that she needed cross-cultural training and she needed to be married before they would send her.  Near the end of high school, this young woman prayed: 

"Lord, I take my hands off my life.  I give you everything.  I don't care about a comfortable life.  I don't care about a safe life.  I'm going to give You my whole life. ... I'm going to do all the training I need.  There is only one thing I need from You: I just need a husband."

She went through Bible college, knowing that it would not prepare her for many other careers, and graduated without a husband, no boyfriend, no prospects.  Then she went to a missionary training school, like a grad school.

On the last night of grad school, she still had no husband, no boyfriend, and no prospects.  She said she sat in her dorm room "an angry young woman", wrestling and struggling with God.

That night, she realized that she had been kidding herself.  Pastor Keller said,

"She was not miserable because she had taken her hands off her life.  She was miserable because she never had. ... She had this idea of a noble, heroic life.  And she was telling God, 'That's the life You've got to give me. ... And here's how You've got to get it for me.'  And she was doing basically everything she could so that she could put God in her debt so He'd have to do it.  And she realized, '... I was using God.  I wasn't serving God!  I was telling [Him] what He had to do!'"  

Dr. Gerstner closed his sermon with this:

"If that girl, who spent a third of her life being ready for missionary service, saying goodbye to everything, to fun, to safety, to comfort - to everything - and thought she had taken her hands off her life, and that night realized she never had done it... do you think you have, then?  I doubt it."

Pastor Keller's conclusion was this:

"She was saying, 'I'll obey if.'  Whatever's on the other side of the 'if' is the real thing you are sacrificing for.  And it's not God."

So what does God want me to do about work, life, ministry, missions, ...?  Only He can answer that question - because I call Him "Lord".  If He thinks this treating new career as tentmaking and going overseas for the gospel will give Him the most glory, He will do it.

I have to get to a point where my future wife/asawa/esposa/moglie/patni/soție/vợ/etc. (for the record, I care a lot less about her ethnicity than you might think) is not the real thing I am sacrificing for, but God alone is.  I think I'm closer but still not there yet.  I was just reminded of that again after I went to a great wedding this weekend and caught the garter during the reception.  I forgot what I was supposed to do with it next.  People wanted pictures with me, and then I left to go to dinner with one of my Bible study groups.  Many people think I'm a good catch - my friends, young ladies' parents, and so on - everyone but the young ladies themselves.  This idol must go.

But I have a lot more peace now than I did a year ago when I was taking large paychecks every other week to exhaust myself in a line of work that I had never prayed about going into.

-----

"... who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations,
Praising God instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith.
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land,
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me the strength to stand.
You're my greatest pleasure, yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake.
My fragile life is safe under Your sovereign grace. ...
"At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony and through the tragedy asks himself, 'how can this happen to me?'
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life
but slip because your grip is not as tight as I might like. ...
When faced with adversity your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease and with words you're turning wind to breeze.
It helps me to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain, You perfect Your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith.
And even though it's obvious, when my outlook's ominous
You've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me,
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding.
"Anchor of my soul, You sustain. You sustain.
When I'm in the storm, You remain. You remain -Good to me, good to me."
- Beautiful Eulogy feat. Josh Garrels, "Anchor".
Thanks YouTube for the lyrics.

-----

"Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Like even when I'm with her, I'm itching to get rid of her. And she only gives you one shot. Blow it, and she's gone.

"I took advantage of her.  That's why I'm telling you this: you can't rush her - or slow her down. You better keep her by your side, she will slip through your fingers like sand.  Her name is TIME. 

"She told me a secret: that multitasking is a myth; you're not doing anything good, just everything awful. She begged me to stop stretching her thin, and stuffing her full, and stop being so concerned with the old her and future her, but love her NOW!  

"Her presence is God's present.  And you should be that: present."
- Propaganda, "Be Present".

"If I ever lose sight, come and get me."

"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful."  —Mark 4:18-19.

I haven't touched this blog in a while.  I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April.  I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it.  The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients.  And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.

"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."

One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next".  Going there was a great, refreshing time.  I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me.  It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future.  This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference.  I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida.  Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing.  I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person.  My habitat should be the tropics.

Am I Jonah?  Are they my gourd?  Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment".  Church life is definitely not like conference life.  At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon.  My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant.  There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.

"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me?  If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."

But can I just be honest?  Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired.  You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first.  I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God.  Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead?  But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."

I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving.  When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church.  Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's.  But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in.  At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move.  And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.

I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry.  The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell.  Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent.  But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.

Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area.  One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church.  Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors.  Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut.  One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired.  Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow.  I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years.  But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it?  Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family?  There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing.  It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.

There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him.  But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest.  The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too.  There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest.  God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do.  But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?

"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".

Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.

That real life music...

"Eh, they say hind sight is 20/20.  Well, they're right.  It's behind me.

Back for the third time - you know where to find me!

Hanging on the coat tail of Christ, who designed me -

Keep me off your brain.  In other words, don't mind me. ...

"We ain't in a dream world.  We're spitting that real life.

We live in the real world, and know just what it feels like.

So we're pressing in like steel spikes.

To stand in a fallen world, it don't feel nice.

Eh, even if you're rich or you've got a lot of cash, 

You're still not exempt as everybody's on the map.

We all feel the pressure, heavy burdens on our backs -

Every day, it's still hard, but we're learning like it's class."

- Trip Lee.

My Easter weekend and week was interesting.  My host from the Philippines came into town for a few days during his whirlwind tour of the US, between the end of his semester in law school and his graduation.  We went to some extra services with my church's host church for Holy Week.  It was good to see everyone there and more passionate than they usually are.  On Saturday, we had a Bible study that went late into the night.  Many people who attended the Bible study didn't sleep that night because we had a sunrise service for Easter.

I decided to skip the sunrise service because my still-recurring headaches and jaw pain have given me tremendous trouble sleeping and I was not sure how much sleep I would actually get during the last few hours of Saturday night.  Despite trying many kinds of treatments and sleeping arrangements, I slept through the night only once during a whole month.  During the day, I usually have a dull headache that gets worse as the day goes on, occasionally stabbing pains, pains that shoot around my whole jaw, and popping ears.  It's bad.  Theologically correct or not, I've told some people that everyone in hell has this condition.

So I woke up about an hour later and went to the church that I had visited last Easter.  It was great to be in the presence of almost 4000 other Christians who were passionately worshiping the one true God through songs that echoed Biblical truth.  It felt like going to a conference again.  After the service, I loaded up on books and spent time with a college friend who I had not seen since I visited the same church a year prior.

We shared prayer requests.  I asked him to pray for my career situation, specifically mentioning that I have a desire to do full-time missions in the Philippines but no definite calling on whether I should stay here or drop everything and go there.  He said he would pray for it.

The next day was Monday.  I was back at work.  During two-plus months of this pain, I had not even taken one day off from work, though I've had three emergency dental visits in the last three weeks.  The morning went like a usual morning, with a few meetings.  I let my boss know that I would need to step out in the afternoon for a dental appointment.  He was fine with it.  I started eating lunch at my desk, while still working, while my office mates were out on their lunch break.  I started hearing rumblings about some "1:00 meeting" which I had figured was for a specific project that some others on the team were working on.

Then 1:00 came.  In the middle of lunch, my boss called me into the HR office.  They told me that my performance had not improved enough since my review in January (although all marks on that review were officially good) and I could not work there anymore.  They were seeing my pain as an excuse rather than the root cause why my performance had not improved.  I explained this, but didn't bother to try fighting to keep my job.

I've really been wrestling with whether I should make this post public but anonymous on my blog or private for my Facebook friends.  This is not the first time I have lost my job.  Actually, it's the third.  The first two times, I was laid off for circumstances that were not my fault.  This time, it is officially my fault, though I think others should at least share some blame for it.  But I hate going to church and hearing "How's your job search?" instead of "Hi, how are you?" from so many of my friends.  So I've only told a few of them.

I'm also not sure whether or not I should try to fight to stay in this line of work or not.  The last place made me, occasionally, legitimately hate what I was doing for a living.  I have several choices now.  One is to look for another job - not preferable, but I'm starting to put feelers out anyway.  One is to start freelancing in hopes that it will get successful and I'll be able to live in the Philippines and keep doing it in the future.  One is to do paid work with a nonprofit or charity.  One is to become a missionary to the Philippines - and anyone who has read this blog long enough would know that I have a specific burden for that country.

During the past two weeks, I've mostly just been sleeping a lot.  I hope it is not laziness, but rather a legitimate need to rest after the pain had kept me awake every night for a month.  The pain has subsided to the point where I can function now, though my ears are still popping.  I've been staying in my house for several days at a time and rarely going out anywhere.  It feels like being a hermit.

My relationship with God has seemed distant since Easter.  Due to the pain, I haven't fasted recently; I will try to fast again soon.  And most days, I've woken up and gone straight to my computer to do research for this job hunt / career change / whatever this is going to be.  I've barely prayed about it at all and have barely been in the Word.  You can have a theology blog, be registered to attend another conference in a month, and have a relationship with God that is barely there at all.  I feel ready to worship, but without spending much time with Him - it seems more accurate that I am ready to let out emotion for emotion's sake and call it worship.

A question that keeps coming back to me is: If I stay in this line of work, does that show a lack of faith?  If I stay in America, does it show a lack of faith?  If I start another job that gives me only two weeks a year of vacation (standard in the US), I won't be able to go back to the Philippines until the end of 2013 - if the trip gets approved again.

On the other hand, a friend who is a missionary tweeted earlier this morning encouraging believers to sell all for Christ now.  Another friend who is leaving for South America as a full-time missionary in the summer told me that a trend in his missions organization is to  be an expatriate worker.  That is how a lot of missions to the unreached is being done.  I know several people who expatriated to the Philippines, though their reasons were related more to work than to missions.  There also seems to be a lot of options to teach at schools for missionary kids there, but that seems more like just supporting missions to me rather than being on the front lines.

I know my family wants me to stay in the corporate world, despite my failure there so far.  They don't want me to go and stay in the Philippines.  To many Americans, success equals success in the corporate arena.  To many Filipinos, the same is true.

I hope that whatever decision I make is legitimately surrendered to God and not based on unbelief or fear.  On the way home from work two Mondays ago, I was not crying or screaming at God as I had been after both of my layoffs in previous years.  I was peacefully surrendered to whatever God has for me next - holding my career and ambitions with an open hand and telling Him that I wanted Him to do what He wanted with it.  That's probably the most peace I have had in a while about my direction in life.

Surrender to God must not be a flash in the pan, decided in the moment and then forgotten about.  Whoever leaves anything or anyone for the sake of Christ will receive their reward in eternity:

"Then Peter said to Him, 'Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what then will there be for us?' And Jesus said to them, 'Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on His glorious throne, you also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name’s sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last; and the last, first.'"  (Matthew 19:27-30)

My copy of Let the Nations Be Glad arrived a few days ago.  I have read only a few pages in the preface so far and have tried to really dwell on what is being said:

"All the earth-shaking awesome forces unleashed on the world are released by the Lord Jesus Christ.  He reigns today.  He is in the control room of the universe.  He is the only Ultimate Cause; all the sins of man and machinations of Satan ultimately have to enhance the glory and kingdom of our Saviour.  This is true of our world today - in wars, famines, earthquakes, or the evil that apparently has the ascendancy.  We have become too enemy-conscious, and can over-do the spiritual warfare aspect of intercession.  We need to be more God-conscious, so that we can laugh the laugh of faith knowing that we have power over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19).  He has already lost control because of Calvary where the Lamb was slain.  What confidence and rest of heart this gives us as we face a world in turmoil and such spiritual need."
- Patrick Johnstone, Operation World.

Regardless of how we choose to promote Him, we must promote Him.  The Lamb will receive the full reward of His suffering.  Don't we want to be used in that great cause?

"9 After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; 10 and they cry out with a loud voice, saying,
   “Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” 11 And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying,
   “Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen.”
 13 Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, “These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?” 14 I said to him, “My lord, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15 For this reason, they are before the throne of God; and they serve Him day and night in His temple; and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them. 16 They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; 17 for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”"
- Revelation 7:9-17.

Sunday is only a shadow.

Recent Meditations: What I Have Been Listening To (March 2012)

"This is the end of my show.  This is the end, I know.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd."

"I can't perform no more. (eh eh)
Can't do these chores no more. (eh eh)
I'm feeling like I'm sick.  It's silly, so I quit.
That's it, I just can't try to please the Lord no more.
Cause really I'm sick of trying to make Him like me more. (you feel me)
Cause every day I've got a fight in store.
I'm guilty, so when I play I never like to score.
No good in me, and I'm sick of my plight - I'm poor.
They told me homie (whaa) the Christian life is better (word)
But they said to be holy and perform for His pleasure.
But now I'm feeling torn, cause the Lord is my treasure,
But I fall and feel scorned when I can't get it together.
But then something clicked.  It's crazy I ignored this:
But even when I slip, this ain't based on my performance.
Christ was equipped, ran a race with endurance.
When His flesh was hit, His righteousness was my assurance. (yea!)

"I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect, listen to the claps from the crowd.
I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect.  Listen to the claps from the crowd."
- Trip Lee, "Show's Over".

-----

"One God, one hope, one Winner
That shouldn't have taken claim to us sinners.
Jesus, forgive us.  We won't give up
'Cause you give life to us.  Now we're lit up
And we testify that we're rectified
By the sin that crept inside to let us die
Our fleshly pride and messy lives
We didn't deliver us.  We were rescued by You,
Who has all power and all presence to save us.  You're gracious.
And when the eyes of our hearts see You, You truly amaze us.
You were clothed in our shortcomings, so we would
Overcome in fullness, in a way a King could
We could have never climbed that hill.
We never would have got that far.
We would have gave up for real as soon as things started getting hard.
But You overcame. We know You reign.
You hold our shame and throw it in the ocean,
And You sealed us with Your holy flame."
- Dillon Chase, "You Overcame".

-----

"Man, I know that I'm insecure.
Do really You think I want to walk around like this? 
I'm tired and I'm sick and tired man I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody.  I'm tired of this.

"From the morning when I'm picking out my clothes
To the moment when I walk up out that door,
My pride is shooting up to the roof top,
While the self esteem finds its way to floor.

"Man, I know I've got problems,
And I ain't [fixing to] sit and try to hide them.
So I am [going to] take this beat and just ride it,
And tell the world what I've been finding.

"You've done seen my issues:
Insecure, but I'm not gonna sit through
Another day where I can't break
The habit where I try to please anybody.
Now I've gotta break loose:

"Growing is so hostile.  It's seeming freaking impossible.
You're trying to TAKE the time to mature, but satan will rob you ...

"... One day, Canon will get up,
Say goodbye to dat picture.
Personally separate the simpleton, split up.
Personality changing: the old Canon, I trashed that. ...

"But I'm like a pistol: getting ready to kill the problem.
My adrenaline rush got a little bit of buzz from looking into the closet of problems.
And I've got options. Well, really, one option is to be honest
And see how God has been glorified with myself as the target.
My struggle is pride.  It's so deep down inside.
And I'm tired of the entire way I'm inclined.
I just wanna see such perfection.  
I know I'm just a bride.  I'm the opposite of my husband.  He's perfect. He's a lion -
King lion.  And I ain't lying.
Really I'm sick of trying. I know I ain't perfect at being perfect - 'cause I'm blind,
I notice my instincts, knowing that, yes y'all, my end stinks.
My entire facade is my account.  It's empty.
So, Lord, build me higher than what Bob was building.
Raise me, to the bar higher than all ceilings.
The sky is never my limit, since my Father's the real thing.
So I'm burning this mask, so can you witness the real me."
- from Canon, "Man in the Mirror".

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 4

Manigong Bagong Taon sa iyo mula sa Pilipinas!  This is my first post from the Philippines, hopefully out of a few.  This has been my first time ever taking a vacation of at least a full week from work, and it is long overdue.  I have been here for about a week now.  The trip has gone well so far.  I've gotten some more ideas for things to do if I get to come back, most notably more island-hopping.

I was also pleased to see that December 2011 has been my highest-traffic month ever on this blog.  What a nice note for ending the year!  Whether you are a search indexer or a human - and I hope you are a human ;-) - thank you for reading this, and I hope you find that the posts here point you to the real gospel and push you to better know the God of the Bible.

Amidst sorting out the many photos so far from the trip, I have not had time to write an original post, so here is the next post in the "Identities" series.

-----

31.  I am hoping in Christ, not wealth.  The false prosperity gospel has taught that God will automatically rain expensive worldly possessions and a complete lack of illness on those who have enough faith, but some others, in reaction to this, have faith in God's salvation of their souls but not in God giving them any other sort of blessing.  But a God-focused faith teaches us that God does provide for what we need and He promises us many sorts of blessings.  Uniquely to us, this includes spiritual blessings.  "Our faith doesn't create prosperity, healings, and breakthroughs.  Our faith focuses fervently on God.  Biblical faith confidently - even ambitiously - asks God to act according to His promises.  True faith then accepts the answer.  Our faith stands on the unchanging character of God." - Dave Harvey, Rescuing Ambition.  (Ephesians 1:3; 1 Timothy 6:17)

32.  I am guaranteed persecution, at least to some level, for knowing Christ.  Yet God receives me even when others reject me.  "There is a great gulf between the Christianity that wrestles with whether to worship at the cost of imprisonment and death and the Christianity that wrestles with whether the kids should play soccer on Sunday morning." - John Piper, quoted in Dave Harvey, Rescuing Ambition.  (Psalm 27:10; 2 Timothy 3:12)

33.  I am confident to approach God's throne of grace, thanks to my High Priest, Jesus Christ.  The Lion of Judah is not even descended from Levi, but the Father has chosen Him to be my Mediator.  "Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea: the Great High Priest whose name is Love, who ever lives and pleads for me!" - Charitie Bancroft, "Before the Throne of God Above".  (Hebrews 4:14-16; Hebrews 7:14; 1 Timothy 2:5)

34.  I am sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.  This faith is in Christ, not misdirected to earthly things or wealth.  "We need an anchor to keep us sure and steady. Gospel hope is our anchor in the storms of this world. It is sure and steadfast, or it could not keep us so. The free grace of God, the merits and mediation of Christ, and the powerful influences of his Spirit, are the grounds of this hope, and so it is a steadfast hope." - Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible.  (Hebrews 11:1; Hebrews 6:11-20)

35.  I am disciplined by my Heavenly Father, as His legitimate child.  I should not shy away from it, but should learn what the Lord is teaching me through it.  As my perfect Father, God will not leave me to my own devices when I sin against Him.  He cares about my staying on the right path and aims to purify my heart and sanctify me.  In order to show that I am God's workmanship, His masterpiece, He must cut away at me and mold me to reflect Him.  "If You love me, God, then chasten me." - DJ Official, "Chisel Me".  (Hebrews 12:7-11)

36.  I am intolerant of false gospels, called to separate from false teachers (who differ from me on closed-hand issues, such as the deity of Christ) and not welcome them or help their ministries.  The Lord Jesus Christ suffered and died for my sins, and God commands me to turn from my sins, not to other sins, but to Christ - to love what He loves and hate what He hates, which is a work that He must supernaturally do in me.  Realizing something of the cost that the Lord Jesus paid for my sins and the truth of this gospel makes me deeply grieved when false teachers add to it by saying that there are any good works I can do to gain salvation, reduce it by saying "Pray this prayer to accept Jesus into your little heart", or twist it to say that Christ died to give me better self-esteem or health and wealth.  "Avoid a sugared Gospel as you would shun sugar of lead. Seek that Gospel which rips up and tears and cuts and wounds and hacks and even kills, for that is the Gospel that makes alive again. And when you have found it, give good heed to it. Let it enter into your inmost being. As the rain soaks into the ground, so pray the Lord to let His Gospel soak into your soul." - C.H. Spurgeon on sugarcoating the gospel.  (Galatians 1:8; 2 John 1:7-11)

37.  I am committing my way to the Lord.  The true believer finds the yoke of obedience to Christ light and can rest in knowing that they have obeyed Him.  My only job is to do what He says when He calls.  He knows what I need and promises to sustain me.  "The ploughman sows and harrows, and then leaves the harvest to God. What can he do else? He cannot cover the heavens with clouds, or command the rain, or bring forth the sun or create the dew. He does well to leave the whole matter with God; and so to all of us it is truest wisdom, having obediently trusted in God, to leave results in His hands, and expect a blessed issue." - C.H. Spurgeon, The Treasury of David.  (Psalm 37:5)

38.  I am in first love with the Lord, whether I realize it or not.  All new Christians have a stage where they have great passion for the Lord and little knowledge of theology.  But many lose this first love as they tie themselves up in meting out God's law to others - and in some cases adding to it - without giving them grace or being sidetracked by this present world and its little pleasures.  "The sin Christ charged this church with, is, not the having left and forsaken the object of love, but having lost the fervent degree of it that at first appeared. Christ is displeased with his people, when he sees them grow remiss and cold toward him. Surely this mention in Scripture, of Christians forsaking their first love, reproves those who speak of it with carelessness, and thus try to excuse indifference and sloth in themselves and others; our Saviour considers this indifference as sinful. They must repent: they must be grieved and ashamed for their sinful declining, and humbly confess it in the sight of God. They must endeavour to recover their first zeal, tenderness, and seriousness, and must pray as earnestly, and watch as diligently, as when they first set out in the ways of God." - Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible.  (Revelation 2:2-4)

39.  I am guided as God sees fit to various geographic locations in order to make His name famous.  My Savior was homeless while He lived on earth.  Therefore, my happiness in Him cannot be tied to any earthly home.  "To me remains nor place nor time / My country is in every clime / I can be free from any care / On any shore, since God is there. / While place we seek, or place we shun, / This soul finds happiness in none. / But with a God to guide our way, / 'Tis equal joy to go or stay." - Madame Guyon, "My Lord, How Full of Sweet Content".  (Luke 9:58; Acts 1:8)

40.  I am dearly loved with an everlasting and unfailing love.  The love of the Lord for me is far greater than any love that I can have for Him.  "I find it very hard to sing about my love for God. ... For the most part you will just hear me sort of silent.  This puny thing I have, if you were to compare my love for God to the love that other men have had for God... I would be nowhere near the top. ... And then if I were to take my love [for God] and compare it to God's love for me, how could I even say, 'Oh, how I love You'?  But look what He says.  'How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!'  Love truly does cover a multitude of sins." - Paul Washer, "You Are Dearly Loved by God".  (Psalm 21:7; Song of Solomon 4:10)

Practical Application: Lecrae's "Rebel Intro"

Many songs are very rich with practical truth that needs to be applied, not just heard. It's easy to hear a song with deep truth and go fast over it from one song to the next. Maybe the song will get stuck in our heads, but sometimes it stays there because it is catchy.

So, because Scripture commands us in James to be a doer of the word and not only a hearer of it, I would like to dive in on a song that has affected me multiple times since I first heard it: Lecrae's "Rebel Intro". As Voice said in "Whatever It Takes", "So now let's make this thing practical, since I am convinced this is God's Word and factual / but not merely a list of facts and features; they are truths that inform for all [of] what belief is." He said this of Scripture, so I will not say that the words of a song are divinely inspired. However, the songs can show us how we can apply truth that is divinely inspired.

Whether teaching us in preaching, singing, rapping, writing, or ministering where life exists, teachers who teach falsely will come under greater condemnation than those who follow them. Similarly, those of us who have heard more truth and refused to live it out have committed more disobedience against God than those who have heard less of the truth. So let's dive in and apply this.

"I'm in rebellion"

What kind of rebellion? The rest will explain.

"Jesus was a rebel, a renegade, outlaw

A sanctified troublemaker but He never sinned, naw"

Jesus was a rebel because He never sinned. Most people define "rebel" by whether we rebel against cultural norms. Criminals are "rebels" because most people believe practically that people are basically good and criminals somehow act against their basically good nature when they break the laws of the land. More conservative people think that people with multicolored hair or a lot of tattoos are "rebels" because they rebel against society's definition of a clean appearance. But Romans 3:10 says that all have sinned and rebelled against God. Christ, as God in human flesh, was by definition a rebel against the society around Him on earth.

"and He lived His life by a different set of Rules

the culture ain't approve so you know they had to bruise Him "

Secular society's rules today tend to base themselves around either 1) living for yourself, or 2) living for others but leaving God out of it. The former are all about pursuing their own happiness by having as much money, power, toys, work, leisure, sex, and other treasures of this world as they can. The latter tend to gravitate toward causes of goodwill but emphasize service to their fellow man more than God. That is living for the glory of others, not the glory of God.

Let me spin it another way for Christians: Many church people (not all are Christians) do not have a Biblical understanding of their new relationship to law. One group is antinomians: "We are under grace now. Throw the law out. Let's do what we want." Another group is legalists, who make their own set of rules, usually starting off with Scripture but leading into absurd applications that don't really fit and forcing them on others. This has a strong moralistic component and often produces outward obedience without a change in heart.

Jesus' set of rules was different because the culture around Him focused on obeying the Mosaic law. Among religious people, obedience to that law was the norm. But Jesus revealed that the hearts of the culture around Him were sinful toward God; what they were doing to get close to God was not good enough, because they still had sin. Perhaps He showed this most notably in the Sermon on the Mount, in several concrete applications of "Love your neighbor as yourself", an old law from Deuteronomy that may have seemed vague. Hating someone was on the same level as killing them; who would have thought? And culture tended not to follow Him; most settled back into "This is how we have always defined and done righteousness", while missing the entire picture.

"that's the way they do man, they swear they so gangsta

everyone the same, everybody do the same stuff

tattoos, piercings, smokin' up and drinking, money and sex plus them extravagant weekends"

Rebellion against God is the norm in society. It is only expressed in different ways and to different extents. I'm not trying to say that getting a tattoo or getting a piercing is right or wrong; that is not my focus in writing this. But most of society rebels against God in ways that are culturally acceptable. They live for the weekends when they can get drunk and enjoy the fruits of their hard work. Or they spend themselves at work in order to become thought of as great in their field or just to have more money. Or they are too lazy to contribute anything to society. These are all different ways to rebel against God.

"man if that's the high life I'll puff puff pass that

you live evaporated like missing a gas cap

I guess I'm passed that; I am in rebellion"

A Christian should rebel against the world's standards of how to live life and live by God's. But do so humbly. "I'm in rebellion" does not mean "Look at how holy I am." It means "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me. And the life which I lived in the flesh..." - even if that life meant looking to your own self-righteousness and using that to please God instead of repenting of that and having faith in the finished work of Christ to please God - "I live by faith in the Son of God" - and His present and future grace! - "Who loved me and gave Himself for me." Obey Christ and love Him because He is all you will ever have and all you will ever need.

"I'd rather have a dollar in my pocket than a million

I'm scared to worship money, and my wants over Elyon"

This line strikes me the most of any in this song right now. I'm a young professional with minimal bills and almost 5 years of working full-time. Even though I give more than ten percent of my income to my church and I also give to missions and charity, that giving is not sacrificial. It is out of abundance. I can't imagine being someone who lives for the kingdom of God as a full-time missionary and has to really trust God for their provisions. I like being able to go to the ATM, take more money out than I may need, and see that balance keep going up. Can it be said that I love money?

"I'll remain a rebel while the rest of them just carry on

this is what I live for, this the hill I'm buried on"

The rest are carrying on because they are opposed to the gospel message lived out in you. What you live for is not your own personal holiness, but for Christ Himself.

"if Jesus is the truth that means one of us is VERY wrong

think about it"

And it's not about winning an argument; it's about an absolute standard that God has established and expected us to live by, knowing full well that we can't do it. We will transgress His law. We do need a Savior several times over. We are children of the first Adam, who sinned. We inherited that Adam's sin nature. And we continue to sin each day. Does the depth of "VERY wrong" break you? "Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity; and in sin my mother conceived me." It did for King David. One of us is very wrong because one of us continues to follow the ways of the world. But the Christian was once an unbeliever and just as wrong.

"I know that in our day rebel means sinner.

But everyone is sinning, so it is no longer rebellious to sin!

Jesus was a rebel who was counter-cultural."

"No glory in me

all glory to the King on the throne (Jesus)"

Don't rebel to bring glory to yourself. The world won't give you glory. You might give yourself selfish pride if you rebel for this reason. But God's glory far outshines ten billion kings'. He will not allow any part of His glory to be stolen by His creation.

"you either love Him or leave Him alone, but you can't do both"

Being a true disciple of Christ does not leave room for indecisively waffling at the door. You can't be indifferent toward Christ as you may be able to be about a job or a country. You cannot serve two masters, and if you both love Him and leave Him alone - or to put it differently, accept part of Him and reject part of His character and commands - you are doing that and creating God in your own image, when you are really created in His image to give Him glory. Eventually, you will love Christ and hate the ways of this world, or you will love the ways of this world and hate Christ.

"yeah, I know you heard that once in song

I pray you hear 10 more fo ya gone

hey listen up, homes"

Every time you hear truth and don't obey it, your heart will grow harder. But many people have to hear the truth many times before it will change them. God must work at the pace that He wills, to bring Him the most glory. But how many times have I heard the commands of Christ and refused to obey them, thinking they were too radical for me? How many times have I been told to share the gospel with others or even given a specific person to whom I must share the gospel, and I wouldn't do it? How wicked am I?

"Stage is the corner and my crowd is the streets

And I rap the bread of life cause they dyin' to eat"

"The streets" - they are not in the church yet. Most of them don't want to go near it. A Christian has non-Christians in his audience who watch him perform each facet of his life either for the glory of God or for the glory of himself. The world is watching. And they're dying to eat, but they will only eat the bread of life if God gives them a taste for it. They are more inclined to eat what will not satisfy because that is what they want, in their sinful nature. But the sower sowed the seed on all ground, not only the ground that looked fertile; God saw to it that those who would be saved by that message were saved.

"I'm a rebel, you know the kind that die in the street

Cause you refuse to conform, won't eat the kings meat"

Expect opposition from this world system today. Refusing to eat meat that has been sacrificed to an idol is not one of our issues today. But our cultures today have equivalents. And our rebellion against this world system can carry a high cost. Jesus was willing to die in His.

"Christ rebelled by shunning the culture

He eatin' with sinners, giving Pharisees ulcers

He never got married, he was broke, plus homeless

yeah that's the God I roll with"

Jesus Christ was willing to eat with unbelievers. That was significant because Pharisees only associated with their own and looked down on everyone else. When was the last time I sat down with an unbeliever and really talked with them, willingly? For me, evangelism is easier if I am in an unfamiliar place and I have met the person that I am witnessing to for the first time. But when co-workers who are not Christians talk to me, I tend to see it either as a bother from the task at hand or as a necessary break. In doing life, I tend to gravitate toward other believers to the extent that it may make me a Pharisee.

"ya boy gotta wife and no I never cheated"

Never cheating on your wife is by the grace of God. If you are a man with status, other women will want you. If you travel a lot (and rappers do), your wife could never find out if you broke your covenant with her. So this statement has to do with rebellion, but it is not just for status. Nearly every man goes through this form of temptation. It is only by God's grace that we stay faithful.

"I'm prayin for humility whenever I get heated"

Among other times, you can get mad or frustrated when you see the world living in a way contrary to Scripture or yourself not living to a high enough standard. In the former case, the temptation is to exalt yourself for beating the world's game. But that keeps you from standing for the truth with a tear in your eye and pointing the world to Christ.

"forget about the drugs; rebel against pornography"

Don't use sin, such as drugs, as a means of rebellion. Rebel against sin itself, such as looking at pornography, by refusing to engage in it and refusing to support or defend it. Christians should rescue those who are trapped in sins like that. But use wisdom, so that you will not fall. By the grace of God, I don't look at porn. But I have met many Christian men who do. And I don't want to fall, so I know there are some places I cannot go. Draw the line that you will not cross as far from the cliff as you can, and do it while in a wise frame of mind so that you will not have to try to do it in the heat of passion.

"this ain't how it oughta be, homie it' how it's gotta be

A rebel!"

The truth is not just a suggestion or one man's good idea. It is an absolute, worth striving hard for. Here, we have no lasting city. We seek a city that is to come. But that shouldn't stop us from seeking to bring others to that lasting city and using this life to long for that lasting city rather than our temporary monuments to human "greatness" that are passing away.

"You are just a conformist, if you are drunk and naked, driving around on a loud motorcycle, smoking cigarettes and breaking commandments, getting pregnant out of wedlock. Everyone has done that, it's so tired! If you really want to be a rebel, read your Bible, because no one is doing that! That's rebellion. That's the only rebellion left!"

-----

There is nothing better to do with your life today than to give Him glory. Have a passion for His glory and for your joy in that glory; "those two are one passion"!

"How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose . . ! You drove them from me, you who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, you who are sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood, you who outshine all light, yet are hidden deeper than any secret in our hearts, you who surpass all honor, though not in the eyes of men who see all honor in themselves. . . . O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth, and my Salvation."

- Augustine, Confessions.

"I have seen, when I was a boy, a juggler in the street throw up half-a-dozen balls, or knives and plates, and continue catching and throwing them, and to me it seemed marvellous; but the religious juggler beats all others hollow. He has to keep up Christianity and worldliness at the same time, and catch two sets of balls at once. To be a freeman of Christ and a slave of the world, at the same time, must need fine acting. One of these days you, Sir Juggler, will make a slip with one of the balls, and your game will be over."

- C.H. Spurgeon.

Second Thoughts on Park Days and a Philippines Update

For the past 4 years, I have been a season pass holder at my home theme park and have already renewed earlier this month for a fifth season there. But for the first time, I have felt convicted about that recently.

A lot of hobbies start off with very good intentions. I once took a homeless young man to the park with me, paying for the trip myself, and he had the time of his life. I also took a janitor from one of my previous employers to the park with me and allowed him to spend the whole day riding rides with me and other Christian in our office. On other occasions, I have been a single rider but have spent days befriending other single riders from other states and regions. I became friends on Facebook with one of them, and he has been able to see the many Christian quotes I put on my personal Facebook page. So I began to look at park visits as something with potential for evangelism and fellowship.

This year has been different. My usual park buddy from the past 3 seasons got married this spring. I went to the park with him in April before he got married. Other than that, all of my visits have been solo. This year, I have become more of a loner than I was in the past. So the visits this fall have been not only solo, but mostly silent. On my most recent visit, I barely interacted with anyone, just rode rides and interacted a minimal amount with the crews. The weather was awful for riding, but I went anyway because I knew the lines would be short. For the past two visits, the weather was sunny and I could spend the whole way there praying and the whole way back worshiping God in song. This time, I needed music on for the morning drive because it was cloudy. On the way back, I still worshiped but could not feel the reality of the songs in my life. It was mostly emotionless singing into empty space to admire the sound of my own voice. It was hollow, selfish worship using God-centered words.

The week had gone well up to that point. On Monday, my leave had been approved for going to the Philippines. (Since then, I have bought the tickets! :-) ) I had been reading more than I had in most other parts of the year. On the surface I looked pretty holy for the week. But after I got back, God started to reinforce that this park visit was selfish.

As a coaster enthusiast, I keep meticulous ride logs that include the total number of rides I take in each visit, my running totals for the year for each, and where I sat on the train for each ride. But yesterday, my main motive for going was just to make sure that I had more coaster rides this year than last year. I thought I had been slacking off.

But what else could I have been doing? As much as I dislike going to weddings, one of my other friends was getting married that day. There was no Saturday night service for that week, although I had arrived back from the park in time for that. So I could not minister to anyone in my church. It was a lost day, and it is better to lose my life than to waste it.

Going to the Philippines might help me to be less self-centered, and not just because cultures in the East tend to be more group-minded while American culture focuses much more on the individual. Pending a background check, I will get to see at least one of the children that I sponsor. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for his different world. But I don't know what to expect. I know some academic statistics about the international poverty line and how I can't buy a sandwich at Subway here with the money that most people there make in a week - if they can even find work for the day. I have seen pictures of the children that I have sponsored. But I have never been able to reach out my hand and touch a person who is truly poor by global standards. How could this affect me?

I hope and pray that these kids do not see me as an alternate Savior. My American lifestyle - wartime or not - could be a stumbling block that keeps them from seeing the gospel. They have needed to have faith for basic provisions in ways that I have not. But Scripture says, over and over, that as a Christian, I need to help people in need. So, although I seem to do a lot compared to many others in my church, I do very little when I compare myself to the Word. I should be doing more than just sending some money every month. My work weeks know very little of sacrifice, except for giving a good deal of time and effort to do work for others. Working in a job is not often a very voluntary form of service. A person who is common will do that same job and just take the money. A person who is consecrated will not stop there.

So in about 7 weeks, God willing, I will board a flight to the Philippines, not knowing what I may see there. I come with five loaves and two fish, trusting God to do with it as He will - and may that include feeding His sheep and drawing more into His kingdom?

You may be praying for God's plan to be carried out in some area. But some people only have the willingness to pray. Sometimes God's answer to those prayers is to set you on a course to do something through you for His glory. Recently, I have been more convicted that I should spend less time in solitude having high-flown thoughts about serving others and sharing the gospel, and more time actually serving others and sharing the gospel. One could say that the reason is the survival of my church, but that makes an idol out of my church. God will do as He wants with our church, but is His glory really our motivation for serving Him?

Although not entirely related, I feel compelled to mention this. What is the glory of God? Is it only seen in doing things for others, which seems to be the point of Jaeson Ma's song "Glory"? If the glory of God is only reflected in other people and is centered on man, as it were, then either 1) man is the origin of that glory and when God created man, man was given an attribute (glory) that God himself did not have, or 2) God didn't have glory until He created man, which means He gained a new attribute at creation which He has not had since eternity past, and thus He would not be an unchanging God. On another hand, if you don't realize that God does glorify Himself through changing the lives of people, your Christianity will not do any good for the world.

God is an eternally glorious being Who has displayed perfect love and perfect glory among His three Persons (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) since before the world began. He created the universe as a means of glorifying Himself through the vast reaches of space and time. But His glory is eternal. Therefore, when we do things that give Him glory (not that we can give Him any that He does not already have; He needs nothing from us but graciously allows us to serve Him), that is an eternal investment and prevents our lives from being wasted on ourselves.

If you have prayed for me to go to the Philippines, thank you! This is something I have wanted to do for about ten years now for various reasons, but God had to refine those reasons and connect me with the right people in order to glorify Himself through it and not just give me an expensive vacation. I don't know why, but I was just thanking God for it without any tears since I found out I could go, although many tears in the past several years have gone into the prayers that I would go. Maybe it has not completely hit me yet. Maybe it won't until I am actually on the plane. :-)

Expositional Poetry on 1 Kings 9:9-18, Part 2

This is a continuation of "Expositional Poetry on 1 Kings 9:9-18, Part 1".

A whirl

Of breeze, barely felt

In an arid land - but something is different about it.

A pearl

Of wisdom comes inside it as he dwelt

In the cave where he had felt shelter from the storms.

A whorl

In his fingers feels this air,

So insignificant if he would not just listen.

Almost a calm

To follow the whole gale

Of tornadic force that he could barely withstand.

He puts his mantle back on, still shaken to his core

That a "failure" like himself would be given more

To do for the Almighty against his enemies' roar.

Be still, and know the stillness is too hard to ignore:

"You, in a silent breath of wind?"

"You see life with one eye through a shattered prism,

Two-dimensional - no depth perception.

You see the world through this savage system

Do I lack the power to change its direction?

What are you doing here, Elijah -

Continuing to place all faith in you?

What are you doing here, Elijah -

In causeless depression, through and through?

Just listen, Elijah -

If you trust, I level crooked paths.

Just listen, Elijah -

I will save a remnant from My wrath.

"A remnant -

Of seven thousand strong whose knees stay fixed,

Upright against the rulers' brazen god. They will resist

The advance of false worship in My land

Of a god of matter brought to being by My hand.

A new king

Will end the praise of Baal

Even after you are caught to be with Me.

I will find you still ever faithful, to the point

That the closest few that my Son will appoint

Will need a reminder - worship Me instead of you.

Have faith, until sight comes, in future grace,

Which arrives forever when you see My face."

"Repentance -

Even over despondency

Over kings killing me

And remnants writing me off

For my faults as a leader."

Resemblance -

To repent means change of mind -

"Go and sin no more", like the well woman -

And to replace sin with something,

To grab hold of God with no intention of letting go,

Trusting not in my hold on You

but Your hold on me.

It is promised in

Your Word - Saving breath of wind.

"You will follow

Until My work in you is done.

You will anoint the men to carry on

My work to praise My name under My sun.

From the rising to the setting of all days

In My city, earth, and heaven, I still reign.

Creation groans for its redemption and full praise

Of Me. I rule the waves and wind."

My Trip Report from Next 2011: Part 1

Having a church camp and the Next Conference on back-to-back weekends is, to say the least, a great spiritual high. This year I was pleased to attend Next with three other young men who I knew from Bible studies at my previous church. The theme of Next this year dealt with God's sovereignty over all things and how that should influence our worldview and our work here on earth. The books that they sold at the conference this year all centered on that focus. Having a long reading list for right now and trying to concentrate on finishing Future Grace by John Piper and Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray, I decided to only buy one: The Heavens: Intimate Moments with Your Majestic God by Kevin Hartnett. So far, that book has been a blessing as it helps me to consider the vastness and beauty of the universe and how it reflects the beauty of the God who made and is sovereign over it all.

I felt like I had stepped back in time several years when the speakers addressed postmodernism. My previous church, which I attended for about 22 years, has tended to embrace evangelical fads throughout its ministry. When this means a change in worship style, they change their worship style. When it means catering to a particular audience, they cater to that audience. Their pastors quote teachers from many areas of the evangelical map, from Reformed theologians to moralistic therapeutic deists. Several years ago they became emergent-friendly, quoting Rob Bell and others from that movement. (This was before he wrote Love Wins and came out of the universalist closet.) Around the same time, I read Why We're Not Emergent by Kevin DeYoung and Ted Kluck to become more educated about the movement and why I wasn't part of it either. I was only then starting to become Reformed and was still a cage-stage Calvinist. I was also reading the Pyromaniacs blog several times a week, where they often discussed postmodernism and "emerg*". But my current church, which has many international members from the Philippines, has to deal with different issues than postmodernism and the emerging church. Those issues don't have as strong of a hold in the Philippines. Our pastor preaches against Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, the prosperity teaching of Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer, and so on. So I felt like I had taken a step back to 2008. Are postmodernism and the emerging church still big problems across the wider scale of evangelicalism?

Since Next had five general sessions, three breakouts, and the Next conference website has most of the messages, I won't repeat too much of what was said on my blog, but just give thoughts about my general experience going to the conference and list what struck me the most from the sessions.

Before the conference started, I was reading my Bible and jotted down Hebews 12:4-6: "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." I was still thinking about this in the context of my courtship. Ending my courtship in early March, I thought of Next as the big Reset button on my life that would save me from the memories and the sadness and let me get on with life. It was only on the way there that I realized that it could be discipline from the Lord. So I also wrote down a line from DJ Official's song "Chisel Me": "If you love me, Lord, then chasten me."

We were privileged to have a brother in the Lord drive us to the hotel. He only had a few short minutes with us and sought to really maximize that and encourage us in our faith. We will probably never see him again in this lifetime, but we knew that we had a brother in Christ there with a strong appetite for Scripture and a strong desire to encourage others with it. He got the four of us going on justification and the gospel. That really set the tone for us to glorify God at this conference.

Pastor Jeff Purswell spoke in the first session about how God will not relinquish His creation to evil. His first point was "The created world, though affected by sin, is nevertheless God's creation and is to be valued, appreciated, and cared for." I had become somewhat put off by environmentalists in the secular world, figuring, "I don't do anything that intentionally damages the created order, so I'm good. Why do you continue talking about this so much?" A biblical worldview does not merely acknowledge the existence of created reality, but joins God in affirming it as good as He did when He created it. When I put down my various kinds of entertainment to go on a hike in the woods, meditate on the beauty of God's creation there, and exalt Christ as more beautiful, that is a way of celebrating the most basic distinction in the universe, the one between Creator and creature. Without it, I would worship nature.

Pastor Purswell also mentioned that everything created by God is good, not amoral, as long as we receive it with thanksgiving and do not worship or exploit it. He applied this more specifically to our vocations. So do I thank God for my work as something good, not just something to give me money or keep me out of trouble? Do I still act like the work that I am given is a good thing when it does not go well, or do I curse in reaction to Adam's curse? How do I display the character of God as I work?

In session 2, Dr. K. Scott Oliphint spoke on "The Role of Reason in the Life of Faith" from Romans 1:18-32. If you follow the Next Conference on Twitter, you may have seen a quote from this session: "Western philosophy is simply articulate unbelief." Hegel and other philosophers like him have spent their lives attempting to explain, in all kinds of intelligent-sounding language, how there is "an absolute" but denying that God is that absolute.

Two other things also stood out to me from this session. First, everyone has a relationship with God. For unbelievers, this relationship is not saving knowledge. They will still relate to God on judgment day when they attempt to give Him a defense for their unbelief and He sends them to hell. No one can tell Him, "Not enough evidence", because His revelation of Himself through creation does not return void. Second, the words "worshiped" and "served" the creature rather than the Creator are very strong words and reflect how we are all creatures who must worship. Suppressing the truth forces people to create idols to worship and serve. In our culture, this rarely looks like an idol that people literally bow down to. Dr. Oliphint gave the example of addictions as a choice to serve something other than God, effectively saying, "I will pick my idol. This I will worship... because no one who is created in the image of God will worship nothing." Worshiping the true God, however, allows us to revel in the fact that we cannot figure Him out!

I attended Pastor Kevin DeYoung's breakout session titled "Jesus and Other Religions". This was my second time to see him speak. He summarized Christianity as believing in one God, two ontological realities, and three Persons. He contrasted "one God" with Buddhism, which seems to not believe in any God at all, and Hinduism, which believes in many gods. Most other religions are "one-ism", saying that man is at one with nature, but Christianity is distinctly "two-ism". He gave 7 reasons for the Trinity which are all in Scripture: there is one God; the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are all God; the Father is not the Son; the Son is not the Holy Spirit; and the Holy Spirit is not the Father. I look at this as a concise way to defend those who do not believe that the Christian God is a Trinity. The other thing he said that struck me was that without a Trinity, love is not eternal, because if God were only one Person He would not have been able to express love to anyone before He created the world. This reminded me of the first chapters of The Pleasures of God.

He gave the practical application for the uniqueness of Christ:

1. The well-being and salvation of the lost is at stake; go where Christ has not been named, out of love for the lost (broken heart, not a clenched fist) (Romans 10:14). (And my parents, who are not Reformed, say that Reformed people are against missions and evangelism!)

2. The courage and joy of our missionaries. The uniqueness of Christ shows that their work is not in vain.

3. The health of your soul is at stake. It is never good to see what God's word says and find out a way to disbelieve it.

4. The glory of Jesus is at stake. "A Jesus of 'a way' is a Jesus of lesser glory."

During the session break, I worked out to some gospel rap from my Canon playlist: his features "Refocus" with Brothatone, "116 Canon Remix" with Pro, and "Blow Your High" with Lecrae, among others.

Dr. D.A. Carson gave a message called "The Gospel and the Postmodern Mind" in session 3. He began by stating, "Postmodernism is dead in some pretty fundamental ways", because postmodernism started in France and the French no longer buy into it. One thing he said that struck me was that when you talk about the gospel, you are not writing on a blank hard drive. When the Apostle Paul preached in Acts 17, he was preaching to pagan Biblical illiterates (like many in today's culture) and starting from their angle, discussing Christianity in terms of philosophy. He was cut off while he preached but continued taking questions about the gospel in the marketplace. He highlighted many important doctrines about God in his message in Acts 17. For brevity, I won't include it here, but please take time to listen to this session. One more point that struck me in the application was that good theology is like a well-oiled machine. If you take anything out to make it sound better, it falls out of line until the machine stops.

Later that night, I listened to a short message from Brother Paul Washer called "A Young Man's Invitation to a Life of Sacrifice." This message is only 10 minutes but deserves its own post. Young men and women, please listen to this one. Brother Washer does not go on the attack, necessarily, against people who speak at conferences but challenges us to do missions on the front lines where we won't be famous, but Christ has not been named there. We shouldn't be writing blogs where we discuss fine points of theology that we know nothing about when there are people out there. "Young man, go somewhere and die, where only God and hell will know your name - God because He loves you and His Spirit is powerful upon you, and hell because hell hates you." Oh, that I could go. I want to at least take one trip. Listening to this highlighted the tension in my life about whether I should continue attempting to glorify God in a secular job here or leave it all and go to the Philippines. I am speechless even now about what I should continue to write at this point.

But this post is getting quite long, so I will write about the rest of the conference next week, Lord willing.