"Anchor of my soul, You sustain."

It's been hard to write for a while.  My pastor announced in August that he was stepping down at the end of the year, but recent events in our church caused him to leave already.  None of it was his fault or directly involved him.  Our first service without him was on Sunday.  Ironically, our church anniversary is next week and we're supposed to have a party.

So I've been on a pastoral search committee for a little over a month now, and I'm working on a redesign for the church's website that I need to have in my portfolio ASAP so that I can get other work.  I'm on the church's finance committee too, and next year's budget will be due soon.  Ministry is getting busier across the board.  Last week, during the circumstances where our pastor stepped down, I was in meetings or on the phone with people every day of the week trying to mediate.  The pastor's job has fallen on the elders and deacons until we have another pastor (interim or permanent).  We should all be busier.  And I'm busier in ministry than I have ever been.

Meanwhile, my business is slow.  This week I'm really starting to pound the market for leads, but I'm making less than a dollar an hour most weeks (over more than 40 hours per week!) and I still have real bills.  I've lost money every week for over 6 months now.  The car insurance bill just came.  One of the hardest parts is having to study a whole new profession while I do all of this.  My savings are starting to take a hit, both for funding the business and paying bills.

But I'll stick to my original commitment of giving the business at least a year to succeed before I think about being an employee again.  There's practically nothing worse for me in ministry than to have a heart for missions but a job that ties me down to living in this state and sitting behind a desk 50+ weeks out of the year or that forces me into a state with an even higher cost of living while doing the same.  Why limit myself to only 2 weeks a year of living with a purpose?

This raises another question.  After all of those meetings going on at church, I was taking a walk around town while listening to a sermon by Tim Keller from Romans 12:1-8.  I think it was called "Everyone with a Gift".  He gave a very interesting illustration from Dr. John Gerstner.  I'll paraphrase it here.

An American woman in the 1930s was saved at a Christian conference at the age of 15 or 16.  Unlike many people who profess faith in such circumstances, she made a commitment to Christ and stuck to it.  She wanted to take her hands off her life and give everything to God as a lifetime missionary.  So she decided she would go to Bible college and eventually go into full-time missions in Asia.  

At this time, single women were not going to Asia to be missionaries.  It was not safe for them to travel there without a husband.  The missions boards told her that she needed cross-cultural training and she needed to be married before they would send her.  Near the end of high school, this young woman prayed: 

"Lord, I take my hands off my life.  I give you everything.  I don't care about a comfortable life.  I don't care about a safe life.  I'm going to give You my whole life. ... I'm going to do all the training I need.  There is only one thing I need from You: I just need a husband."

She went through Bible college, knowing that it would not prepare her for many other careers, and graduated without a husband, no boyfriend, no prospects.  Then she went to a missionary training school, like a grad school.

On the last night of grad school, she still had no husband, no boyfriend, and no prospects.  She said she sat in her dorm room "an angry young woman", wrestling and struggling with God.

That night, she realized that she had been kidding herself.  Pastor Keller said,

"She was not miserable because she had taken her hands off her life.  She was miserable because she never had. ... She had this idea of a noble, heroic life.  And she was telling God, 'That's the life You've got to give me. ... And here's how You've got to get it for me.'  And she was doing basically everything she could so that she could put God in her debt so He'd have to do it.  And she realized, '... I was using God.  I wasn't serving God!  I was telling [Him] what He had to do!'"  

Dr. Gerstner closed his sermon with this:

"If that girl, who spent a third of her life being ready for missionary service, saying goodbye to everything, to fun, to safety, to comfort - to everything - and thought she had taken her hands off her life, and that night realized she never had done it... do you think you have, then?  I doubt it."

Pastor Keller's conclusion was this:

"She was saying, 'I'll obey if.'  Whatever's on the other side of the 'if' is the real thing you are sacrificing for.  And it's not God."

So what does God want me to do about work, life, ministry, missions, ...?  Only He can answer that question - because I call Him "Lord".  If He thinks this treating new career as tentmaking and going overseas for the gospel will give Him the most glory, He will do it.

I have to get to a point where my future wife/asawa/esposa/moglie/patni/soție/vợ/etc. (for the record, I care a lot less about her ethnicity than you might think) is not the real thing I am sacrificing for, but God alone is.  I think I'm closer but still not there yet.  I was just reminded of that again after I went to a great wedding this weekend and caught the garter during the reception.  I forgot what I was supposed to do with it next.  People wanted pictures with me, and then I left to go to dinner with one of my Bible study groups.  Many people think I'm a good catch - my friends, young ladies' parents, and so on - everyone but the young ladies themselves.  This idol must go.

But I have a lot more peace now than I did a year ago when I was taking large paychecks every other week to exhaust myself in a line of work that I had never prayed about going into.

-----

"... who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations,
Praising God instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith.
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land,
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me the strength to stand.
You're my greatest pleasure, yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake.
My fragile life is safe under Your sovereign grace. ...
"At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony and through the tragedy asks himself, 'how can this happen to me?'
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life
but slip because your grip is not as tight as I might like. ...
When faced with adversity your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease and with words you're turning wind to breeze.
It helps me to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain, You perfect Your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith.
And even though it's obvious, when my outlook's ominous
You've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me,
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding.
"Anchor of my soul, You sustain. You sustain.
When I'm in the storm, You remain. You remain -Good to me, good to me."
- Beautiful Eulogy feat. Josh Garrels, "Anchor".
Thanks YouTube for the lyrics.

-----

"Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Like even when I'm with her, I'm itching to get rid of her. And she only gives you one shot. Blow it, and she's gone.

"I took advantage of her.  That's why I'm telling you this: you can't rush her - or slow her down. You better keep her by your side, she will slip through your fingers like sand.  Her name is TIME. 

"She told me a secret: that multitasking is a myth; you're not doing anything good, just everything awful. She begged me to stop stretching her thin, and stuffing her full, and stop being so concerned with the old her and future her, but love her NOW!  

"Her presence is God's present.  And you should be that: present."
- Propaganda, "Be Present".

"If I ever lose sight, come and get me."

"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful."  —Mark 4:18-19.

I haven't touched this blog in a while.  I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April.  I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it.  The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients.  And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.

"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."

One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next".  Going there was a great, refreshing time.  I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me.  It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future.  This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference.  I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida.  Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing.  I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person.  My habitat should be the tropics.

Am I Jonah?  Are they my gourd?  Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment".  Church life is definitely not like conference life.  At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon.  My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant.  There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.

"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me?  If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."

But can I just be honest?  Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired.  You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first.  I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God.  Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead?  But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."

I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving.  When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church.  Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's.  But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in.  At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move.  And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.

I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry.  The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell.  Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent.  But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.

Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area.  One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church.  Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors.  Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut.  One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired.  Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow.  I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years.  But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it?  Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family?  There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing.  It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.

There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him.  But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest.  The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too.  There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest.  God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do.  But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?

"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".

Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.

That real life music...

"Eh, they say hind sight is 20/20.  Well, they're right.  It's behind me.

Back for the third time - you know where to find me!

Hanging on the coat tail of Christ, who designed me -

Keep me off your brain.  In other words, don't mind me. ...

"We ain't in a dream world.  We're spitting that real life.

We live in the real world, and know just what it feels like.

So we're pressing in like steel spikes.

To stand in a fallen world, it don't feel nice.

Eh, even if you're rich or you've got a lot of cash, 

You're still not exempt as everybody's on the map.

We all feel the pressure, heavy burdens on our backs -

Every day, it's still hard, but we're learning like it's class."

- Trip Lee.

My Easter weekend and week was interesting.  My host from the Philippines came into town for a few days during his whirlwind tour of the US, between the end of his semester in law school and his graduation.  We went to some extra services with my church's host church for Holy Week.  It was good to see everyone there and more passionate than they usually are.  On Saturday, we had a Bible study that went late into the night.  Many people who attended the Bible study didn't sleep that night because we had a sunrise service for Easter.

I decided to skip the sunrise service because my still-recurring headaches and jaw pain have given me tremendous trouble sleeping and I was not sure how much sleep I would actually get during the last few hours of Saturday night.  Despite trying many kinds of treatments and sleeping arrangements, I slept through the night only once during a whole month.  During the day, I usually have a dull headache that gets worse as the day goes on, occasionally stabbing pains, pains that shoot around my whole jaw, and popping ears.  It's bad.  Theologically correct or not, I've told some people that everyone in hell has this condition.

So I woke up about an hour later and went to the church that I had visited last Easter.  It was great to be in the presence of almost 4000 other Christians who were passionately worshiping the one true God through songs that echoed Biblical truth.  It felt like going to a conference again.  After the service, I loaded up on books and spent time with a college friend who I had not seen since I visited the same church a year prior.

We shared prayer requests.  I asked him to pray for my career situation, specifically mentioning that I have a desire to do full-time missions in the Philippines but no definite calling on whether I should stay here or drop everything and go there.  He said he would pray for it.

The next day was Monday.  I was back at work.  During two-plus months of this pain, I had not even taken one day off from work, though I've had three emergency dental visits in the last three weeks.  The morning went like a usual morning, with a few meetings.  I let my boss know that I would need to step out in the afternoon for a dental appointment.  He was fine with it.  I started eating lunch at my desk, while still working, while my office mates were out on their lunch break.  I started hearing rumblings about some "1:00 meeting" which I had figured was for a specific project that some others on the team were working on.

Then 1:00 came.  In the middle of lunch, my boss called me into the HR office.  They told me that my performance had not improved enough since my review in January (although all marks on that review were officially good) and I could not work there anymore.  They were seeing my pain as an excuse rather than the root cause why my performance had not improved.  I explained this, but didn't bother to try fighting to keep my job.

I've really been wrestling with whether I should make this post public but anonymous on my blog or private for my Facebook friends.  This is not the first time I have lost my job.  Actually, it's the third.  The first two times, I was laid off for circumstances that were not my fault.  This time, it is officially my fault, though I think others should at least share some blame for it.  But I hate going to church and hearing "How's your job search?" instead of "Hi, how are you?" from so many of my friends.  So I've only told a few of them.

I'm also not sure whether or not I should try to fight to stay in this line of work or not.  The last place made me, occasionally, legitimately hate what I was doing for a living.  I have several choices now.  One is to look for another job - not preferable, but I'm starting to put feelers out anyway.  One is to start freelancing in hopes that it will get successful and I'll be able to live in the Philippines and keep doing it in the future.  One is to do paid work with a nonprofit or charity.  One is to become a missionary to the Philippines - and anyone who has read this blog long enough would know that I have a specific burden for that country.

During the past two weeks, I've mostly just been sleeping a lot.  I hope it is not laziness, but rather a legitimate need to rest after the pain had kept me awake every night for a month.  The pain has subsided to the point where I can function now, though my ears are still popping.  I've been staying in my house for several days at a time and rarely going out anywhere.  It feels like being a hermit.

My relationship with God has seemed distant since Easter.  Due to the pain, I haven't fasted recently; I will try to fast again soon.  And most days, I've woken up and gone straight to my computer to do research for this job hunt / career change / whatever this is going to be.  I've barely prayed about it at all and have barely been in the Word.  You can have a theology blog, be registered to attend another conference in a month, and have a relationship with God that is barely there at all.  I feel ready to worship, but without spending much time with Him - it seems more accurate that I am ready to let out emotion for emotion's sake and call it worship.

A question that keeps coming back to me is: If I stay in this line of work, does that show a lack of faith?  If I stay in America, does it show a lack of faith?  If I start another job that gives me only two weeks a year of vacation (standard in the US), I won't be able to go back to the Philippines until the end of 2013 - if the trip gets approved again.

On the other hand, a friend who is a missionary tweeted earlier this morning encouraging believers to sell all for Christ now.  Another friend who is leaving for South America as a full-time missionary in the summer told me that a trend in his missions organization is to  be an expatriate worker.  That is how a lot of missions to the unreached is being done.  I know several people who expatriated to the Philippines, though their reasons were related more to work than to missions.  There also seems to be a lot of options to teach at schools for missionary kids there, but that seems more like just supporting missions to me rather than being on the front lines.

I know my family wants me to stay in the corporate world, despite my failure there so far.  They don't want me to go and stay in the Philippines.  To many Americans, success equals success in the corporate arena.  To many Filipinos, the same is true.

I hope that whatever decision I make is legitimately surrendered to God and not based on unbelief or fear.  On the way home from work two Mondays ago, I was not crying or screaming at God as I had been after both of my layoffs in previous years.  I was peacefully surrendered to whatever God has for me next - holding my career and ambitions with an open hand and telling Him that I wanted Him to do what He wanted with it.  That's probably the most peace I have had in a while about my direction in life.

Surrender to God must not be a flash in the pan, decided in the moment and then forgotten about.  Whoever leaves anything or anyone for the sake of Christ will receive their reward in eternity:

"Then Peter said to Him, 'Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what then will there be for us?' And Jesus said to them, 'Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on His glorious throne, you also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name’s sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last; and the last, first.'"  (Matthew 19:27-30)

My copy of Let the Nations Be Glad arrived a few days ago.  I have read only a few pages in the preface so far and have tried to really dwell on what is being said:

"All the earth-shaking awesome forces unleashed on the world are released by the Lord Jesus Christ.  He reigns today.  He is in the control room of the universe.  He is the only Ultimate Cause; all the sins of man and machinations of Satan ultimately have to enhance the glory and kingdom of our Saviour.  This is true of our world today - in wars, famines, earthquakes, or the evil that apparently has the ascendancy.  We have become too enemy-conscious, and can over-do the spiritual warfare aspect of intercession.  We need to be more God-conscious, so that we can laugh the laugh of faith knowing that we have power over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19).  He has already lost control because of Calvary where the Lamb was slain.  What confidence and rest of heart this gives us as we face a world in turmoil and such spiritual need."
- Patrick Johnstone, Operation World.

Regardless of how we choose to promote Him, we must promote Him.  The Lamb will receive the full reward of His suffering.  Don't we want to be used in that great cause?

"9 After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; 10 and they cry out with a loud voice, saying,
   “Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” 11 And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying,
   “Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen.”
 13 Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, “These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?” 14 I said to him, “My lord, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15 For this reason, they are before the throne of God; and they serve Him day and night in His temple; and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them. 16 They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; 17 for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”"
- Revelation 7:9-17.

Sunday is only a shadow.

Recent Meditations: What I Have Been Listening To (March 2012)

"This is the end of my show.  This is the end, I know.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd."

"I can't perform no more. (eh eh)
Can't do these chores no more. (eh eh)
I'm feeling like I'm sick.  It's silly, so I quit.
That's it, I just can't try to please the Lord no more.
Cause really I'm sick of trying to make Him like me more. (you feel me)
Cause every day I've got a fight in store.
I'm guilty, so when I play I never like to score.
No good in me, and I'm sick of my plight - I'm poor.
They told me homie (whaa) the Christian life is better (word)
But they said to be holy and perform for His pleasure.
But now I'm feeling torn, cause the Lord is my treasure,
But I fall and feel scorned when I can't get it together.
But then something clicked.  It's crazy I ignored this:
But even when I slip, this ain't based on my performance.
Christ was equipped, ran a race with endurance.
When His flesh was hit, His righteousness was my assurance. (yea!)

"I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect, listen to the claps from the crowd.
I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect.  Listen to the claps from the crowd."
- Trip Lee, "Show's Over".

-----

"One God, one hope, one Winner
That shouldn't have taken claim to us sinners.
Jesus, forgive us.  We won't give up
'Cause you give life to us.  Now we're lit up
And we testify that we're rectified
By the sin that crept inside to let us die
Our fleshly pride and messy lives
We didn't deliver us.  We were rescued by You,
Who has all power and all presence to save us.  You're gracious.
And when the eyes of our hearts see You, You truly amaze us.
You were clothed in our shortcomings, so we would
Overcome in fullness, in a way a King could
We could have never climbed that hill.
We never would have got that far.
We would have gave up for real as soon as things started getting hard.
But You overcame. We know You reign.
You hold our shame and throw it in the ocean,
And You sealed us with Your holy flame."
- Dillon Chase, "You Overcame".

-----

"Man, I know that I'm insecure.
Do really You think I want to walk around like this? 
I'm tired and I'm sick and tired man I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody.  I'm tired of this.

"From the morning when I'm picking out my clothes
To the moment when I walk up out that door,
My pride is shooting up to the roof top,
While the self esteem finds its way to floor.

"Man, I know I've got problems,
And I ain't [fixing to] sit and try to hide them.
So I am [going to] take this beat and just ride it,
And tell the world what I've been finding.

"You've done seen my issues:
Insecure, but I'm not gonna sit through
Another day where I can't break
The habit where I try to please anybody.
Now I've gotta break loose:

"Growing is so hostile.  It's seeming freaking impossible.
You're trying to TAKE the time to mature, but satan will rob you ...

"... One day, Canon will get up,
Say goodbye to dat picture.
Personally separate the simpleton, split up.
Personality changing: the old Canon, I trashed that. ...

"But I'm like a pistol: getting ready to kill the problem.
My adrenaline rush got a little bit of buzz from looking into the closet of problems.
And I've got options. Well, really, one option is to be honest
And see how God has been glorified with myself as the target.
My struggle is pride.  It's so deep down inside.
And I'm tired of the entire way I'm inclined.
I just wanna see such perfection.  
I know I'm just a bride.  I'm the opposite of my husband.  He's perfect. He's a lion -
King lion.  And I ain't lying.
Really I'm sick of trying. I know I ain't perfect at being perfect - 'cause I'm blind,
I notice my instincts, knowing that, yes y'all, my end stinks.
My entire facade is my account.  It's empty.
So, Lord, build me higher than what Bob was building.
Raise me, to the bar higher than all ceilings.
The sky is never my limit, since my Father's the real thing.
So I'm burning this mask, so can you witness the real me."
- from Canon, "Man in the Mirror".

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 2

11. I am fighting for joy as I face trials of many kinds. It is important for me to realize that earth is not heaven, so when living on earth seems unbearable it is merely making the many joys of heaven appear sweeter to me. No believer experiences a trial-free Christian life on this planet. Therefore, I see a need to fight for joy relentlessly in order to keep my desire transfixed on God and the reality of my future redemption constantly before me. "The fight for joy in Christ... is a fight for strength to live a life of self-sacrificing love. It is a fight to join Jesus on the Calvary road and stay there with Him, no matter what. How was He sustained on that road? Hebrews 12:2 answers, 'For the joy that was set before Him [He] endured the cross, despising the shame.'" - John Piper. (Hebrews 12:2)

12. I am trusting in God, not in my faith. My faith in God is a gift of His grace. Yet the gifts have imperfections. There are still times when, like doubting Thomas, I cry out to my Lord, "I believe! Help my unbelief." I display woeful inconsistency in my ability to trust Him to work out each detail of my life. If my faith were in my faith instead of in my God, I would be a goner. Yet He is a never-changing God. "Never try to arouse faith from within. You cannot stir up faith from the depths of your heart. Leave your heart, and look into the face of Christ." - Andrew Murray. (Mark 9:24; Ephesians 2:8-9)

13. I am representing Christ to this broken world. When someone who is not in Christ sees me and knows that I am a Christian, I reflect an imperfect picture of a perfect Christ to that person. Hence, I have a great need to live blamelessly and above reproach so that it gives Christ a good name to those around me. "Service in the name of Christ isn't a proof of salvation. ... Saying you represent Christ is not enough. I'll tell you, there are a lot of people who say they represent Jesus Christ, but when their life gets exposed, you ask the question... do they? Just because you say you do doesn't mean you do. Just because you preach Christ doesn't mean you really know Christ. There have been a lot of people, false people, preaching a true message, right?" - John MacArthur. (Matthew 7:14, 1 Timothy)

14. I am a tool in the hand of my God, like clay in the hand of a Potter. But the end is not in being used for something "great"; the end is Him. He will use me for what He will. "Don't overestimate yourself; glorify God. Don't think, 'That couldn't happen to me.' You're a clay pot. A clay pot could be discarded in a second. In and of yourself, no value. But the fact that God has placed the treasure in you gives you value and worth beyond compare. That's totally, totally tied into the treasure you have in Jesus Christ." - Larry Smith, "A Treasure in a Clay Pot". (Isaiah 64:8)

15. I am enjoying the Provider more than the provisions. When the provisions don't come, that cannot shake my faith or my joy. God has not promised me prosperity or guaranteed that I will have everything that I think I need. He knows what I really need and will provide for it in the time that He sees fit. And if He gives me much in the eyes of the world, chances are that I will not be able to enjoy Him because the things that He has allowed me to have will have stolen my affections. If He gives me only my daily bread - a dangerous prayer! - then He teaches me daily dependence on Him and a greater degree of trust in Him as my Father. "Money can’t give you any of the things you ultimately need. It can’t make you holy. It can’t make you righteous. It can’t save you from your sins. Wealth is a sign of blessing, but it’s also one of your biggest temptations because it entices you to boast in yourself." - Kevin DeYoung. (Proverbs 30:7-9)

16. I am sensitive to the sinfulness of my sin. Becoming a Christian means that the Lord has brought me to a point of realizing the sinfulness of my sin against a holy God and has granted me repentance from that sin - repentance, not to switch to another sin but to leave all sins and run hard after Christ. The Lord progressively increases my sensitivity to sin, and there are times when He makes me so aware of my sinfulness that my sinlessness in heaven attracts me more greatly than even the chance to continue living life in this world. "But in a sense, when a Christian sins / It's more sickening than sins of wicked men (why?) / 'Cause we've tasted His goodness as recipients of grace / So every time we sin, it's like we're spitting in His face." - Timothy Brindle, "The Sinfulness of Sin". (Romans 7:24-25; 1 John 3:6)

17. I am denying myself daily. Christ lives in me. He has taken all of me. This leaves no room for myself anymore. So self-denial follows from that. John Piper defines this in terms of Mark 8:35 as Jesus' saying, "What I mean is - My disciples, My loved ones - lose your life in the sense that you lose everything but Me. 'Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit.' Die to the world. Die to prestige, die to wealth, die to sinful sex, die to cheating to get ahead, die to the need for people to approve you. Die, and have Me." (Luke 9:23; Galatians 2:20)

18. I am pointing my enjoyment of creation back to the Creator. I find "self-esteem", "self-fulfillment", "self-actualization", and so on to be idolatry. The answer to this is not to complain to God about how He made me, but to take a Biblical view of myself. Yes, in spite of my flaws, the Lord made me in His image, fearfully and wonderfully. But His glory far surpasses mine. I am, by far, not the most glorious human on the earth. The creatures on this earth are not as glorious as those in Heaven. Yet the creatures in glory never go on an ego trip. As holy as they are, they continue to play their part in praising the Creator: "All Thy works shall praise Thy name / in earth, and sky, and sea." - Reginald Heber. (Psalm 139:14; Romans 1:25)

19. I am becoming sanctified in stewardship. Rather than telling me to use my income to support an endless pursuit of the American Dream, the Lord is making me more aware of the needs of the global body of Christ and how materially rich I am as an American. At the same time, I wonder how the vast majority of American Christendom - who pursue these treasures that will pass away - will pass through the needle's eye. "My hope is in the Lord Jesus Christ, who is going to take me to himself. To live is Christ and to die is gain. I'm here on earth to spread the gospel. I'm going to keep my life as wartime as I can in order to maximize my effect for showing Jesus as valuable, not things as valuable." - John Piper. (Matthew 19:24)

20. I am hoping in the second Adam, though I am of the first Adam's race. Since the first Adam brought sin into the world, I must leave sin - and self - in order to follow the Lord; a lifestyle of sin has no place in His kingdom. Praise God that there is a second Adam, a perfect replacement for the fallen first one! "We are like Adam now in weakness and pain, and we shall soon be like him in death, returning to the ground whence we were taken; but we shall rise again to a better life, and then we shall wear in glory and incorruption the image of the second Adam. Conceive the beauties of the risen Redeemer. .... We shall behold His glory, we shall be with Him where He is, and we shall be ourselves glorious in His glory. Is He exalted? you also shall be lifted up. Is He a King? you shall not be uncrowned. Is He a victor? you also shall bear a palm. Is He full of joy and rejoicing? so also shall your soul be filled to the brim with delights. Where He is every saint shall be ere long." - Charles Spurgeon. (Romans 5)