Reflections on "Work and Rest" by R W Glenn

One of the most interesting and convicting sermons or conference messages I've heard all year was one that I heard a couple weeks ago when I was outside taking a walk around town.

Pastor R.W. (or is it just R W?) Glenn gave a talk called "Work and Rest" at the Desiring God National Conference back in September.  This was really timely for me.  Here are some of the things he said:

"We are so obsessed with work that we can't even rest when we rest."

"Driving 'sport utility vehicles' gives us the illusion of engaging in leisure, and at the same time being useful and productive!  We are so addicted to work that unless we can rationalize our leisure in terms of productivity, we think we have wasted our time."

"The Christian faith is not a system of achievement.  It is not a ladder you ascend to acceptance with God.  It is not a list of rules or living a brute system of ethics.  It is not about going to church or training your kids or leading a clean, moral lifestyle.  It's not a 'do' faith - a faith about all you can do for God.  Instead, Christianity is a 'done' faith.  It's about trusting in what Jesus Christ has already done for you and then basking in that. ... He did all the work, and you get to relax and enjoy all the benefits."

"How many times have you gotten your assurance of your acceptance of God from your resolve to do more, be better, and try harder - instead of from the grace of God and the gospel?"

"The reason why the culture works so hard and it feels anxious and guilty when it hasn't done enough is that it needs to build the right resume in order to be accepted into the inner circle, whatever that is. ... The problem in the church is exactly the same. ... You're also building a resume because you want acceptance.  And while it's certainly true that in the culture, you need to build the right resume to open up doors of acceptance for yourself, that's not at all true for Christianity.  And do you know why that is?  You already have a perfect resume."

"We are still living as though we have a resume that is yet to be built."

This one got a lot of likes when I posted it on Facebook:

"The reason people work so hard to build a resume to be accepted by the culture is that deep down, they believe that they need to build a resume to be accepted by the Creator. ... It is a function of failing to rest in my acceptance with the Creator. ... Your workaholism, your obsession with getting things done, your inconsolable guilt over not getting to check every item off your list, your feelings of inadequacy over failing to accomplish all you had set out to accomplish with your life or even that day, your low-grade anxiety that you are just not doing enough at home, at work, at church, your inability to unwind - the fact that you're wound up like a top - all of that comes from your tacit belief that your acceptance with God is based on your own resume! ... Why are you so willing to be accepted by the meritocracy that you kill yourself with work in order to get it?  Why are you so obsessed with your resume that your failures to be accepted devastate you - you just feel like a loser? ... The reason why you're willing to busy yourself to death is that you want to be accepted by other people.  You want to be accepted by the right circle of friends; you want to be accepted by the management for a promotion; you want to be seen as a person who values achievement rather than the mediocre nobodies who sort of fill the landscape.  And even your laziness can reflect the same desire for acceptance, just inverted.  You blow off work because you realize, 'I'm not going to make the cut, so why bother?  I'm never going to be accepted.' Or you feel bitter that your acceptance with others is based not on who you are but on what you've accomplished; you choose to accomplish nothing as a protest.  It's your rebellion against the meritocracy.  So either way, you are motivated by acceptance.... you are not resting in your acceptance with God."

"Salvation is like a day off. ... Christianity is a day off, not a day at the office.  And I get that from [Hebrews] chapter 4, verse 10."

"The reason why I worked like a lunatic was so that I could be looked up to by my colleagues, or at least feel superior to them. ... If my resume included 80+-hour workweeks and getting up at 2:30 and 3 in the morning a few days a week and superior productivity, then I'd be able to [take a deep breath] and feel secure and confident in comparison with these other guys.  But if I were resting in Jesus' resume for me, then I would not need to be seen as exceptional.  As Tullian Tchividjian puts it, I would be free to be a nobody because Jesus is my somebody."

"Who can top the resume of the Son of God?  Piper?  Nobody!!"

"Another reason I felt like I had to work like a lunatic was to assuage the guilt feelings that I had over the rest that I did take. ... I felt like I had to justify resting. [Amen!  This is where I am right now!]  But if I were resting in Christ's righteousness, I would know that everything that truly needed to be accomplished, Christ already accomplished for me.  So I could rest, I could relax, and I could actually enjoy the time away from work. ... I wouldn't have to look for justification for my rest. ... Building my pastoral resume for acceptance by others was rooted in the functional belief that I had to build my own resume to be accepted by God.  I learned that obsessive resume-building in the world was the fruit of obsessive resume-building before God.  Those two things are inseparable. ... Here's the good news: if you want to see your obsessive busyness transformed into diligent work and relaxing leisure to the glory of God, go to work on resting. ... I get that from [Hebrews 4] verse 11."

"Here is the hard work: strive with all your might to keep the gospel front and center in your life. Remember that you already have a perfect resume. Make every effort to remember all that Christ is for you in the gospel. When you do that, you can relax! Because you won't constantly be trying to earn the acceptance of God and other people by your achievements. Your work in your home and church doesn't add to your resume. You can't add to a perfect resume. The only list of accomplishments your Heavenly Father sees for you is the list amassed by Christ. And He has said: It is Finished!" (thank you, Joyful in Hope, for that quote)

Recently, I had a week where I worked all seven days on my business.  RescueTime, a great tool to keep self-employed people honest, watched my every move throughout the week and reported to me every day about my productivity.  I had about 38 productive hours out of 54 on the computer that week, plus some more time spent off the computer sketching designs and reading technical books.  With a few clicks, I can be sure of exactly how much time I was spending on sports blogs.  I'm also taking an online class that should help me generate better prospects.  And God used the message above to bring me back and show me part of the purpose of the Sabbath:

We are not to be so self-sufficient and self-trusting that we work with all our might every day of the week to give ourselves what only God can.

I was on vacation with my parents two weeks ago.  Actually, my mom had a scholarly event to attend and invited me and my dad to come with her because the additional cost was minimal.  So we went.  I was trying to make it a working vacation.  But the work that I am getting paid (a quite low amount) for right now requires a high-speed internet connection.  I'm just doing it to pay some bills while I build up my business.  Our hotel's internet connection was getting slammed the whole time we were there.  Result: I got no work, and thus no money, for that entire week.  I had missed out on work two days before we left because it came in right before I had to attend a pastoral search meeting.

Last week was similarly a very slow week in getting work.  I made a grand total of $20, though I worked 6 mostly full days identifying sales prospects and what I could do for them.  That's way under a dollar per hour worked and probably about what each of my sponsored children's families are making.  I went home from my church's Saturday night service last night and kept working until almost midnight.  Fortunately, I did achieve my goal for the week (which only dealt with the prospecting... it takes time!).  But I felt a stirring need to do work today.  The points in that "Work and Rest" message continued really hitting home for me.  I did no work today except ministry.

It's interesting to me to see how Luke 9:23 (no, I did not try to rhyme that) keeps playing itself out differently at different stages in life:

"And He was saying to {them} all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.'"

Things that denying myself has meant:

• Denying myself the party life of college
• Denying myself a better social standing in the eyes of the world
• Denying myself the possibility of many nominal Christians thinking well of me - even in my own family
• Denying myself romantic relationships during several seasons - even if I see many of my friends around me happily in love
• and now: Denying myself some of the work time that the world says I need to make a living as a "solopreneur"*

* I realize that some people will bring up Hebrews and use "Jesus as our Sabbath-rest" as their reason for working themselves to death seven days a week, but I see the Sabbath as a bit of a liberty issue and the Holy Spirit has convicted me that I need to keep it.

I just have to trust Him and realize that "I never made a sacrifice".  David Livingstone said the same, and he sacrificed more.

"Anchor of my soul, You sustain."

It's been hard to write for a while.  My pastor announced in August that he was stepping down at the end of the year, but recent events in our church caused him to leave already.  None of it was his fault or directly involved him.  Our first service without him was on Sunday.  Ironically, our church anniversary is next week and we're supposed to have a party.

So I've been on a pastoral search committee for a little over a month now, and I'm working on a redesign for the church's website that I need to have in my portfolio ASAP so that I can get other work.  I'm on the church's finance committee too, and next year's budget will be due soon.  Ministry is getting busier across the board.  Last week, during the circumstances where our pastor stepped down, I was in meetings or on the phone with people every day of the week trying to mediate.  The pastor's job has fallen on the elders and deacons until we have another pastor (interim or permanent).  We should all be busier.  And I'm busier in ministry than I have ever been.

Meanwhile, my business is slow.  This week I'm really starting to pound the market for leads, but I'm making less than a dollar an hour most weeks (over more than 40 hours per week!) and I still have real bills.  I've lost money every week for over 6 months now.  The car insurance bill just came.  One of the hardest parts is having to study a whole new profession while I do all of this.  My savings are starting to take a hit, both for funding the business and paying bills.

But I'll stick to my original commitment of giving the business at least a year to succeed before I think about being an employee again.  There's practically nothing worse for me in ministry than to have a heart for missions but a job that ties me down to living in this state and sitting behind a desk 50+ weeks out of the year or that forces me into a state with an even higher cost of living while doing the same.  Why limit myself to only 2 weeks a year of living with a purpose?

This raises another question.  After all of those meetings going on at church, I was taking a walk around town while listening to a sermon by Tim Keller from Romans 12:1-8.  I think it was called "Everyone with a Gift".  He gave a very interesting illustration from Dr. John Gerstner.  I'll paraphrase it here.

An American woman in the 1930s was saved at a Christian conference at the age of 15 or 16.  Unlike many people who profess faith in such circumstances, she made a commitment to Christ and stuck to it.  She wanted to take her hands off her life and give everything to God as a lifetime missionary.  So she decided she would go to Bible college and eventually go into full-time missions in Asia.  

At this time, single women were not going to Asia to be missionaries.  It was not safe for them to travel there without a husband.  The missions boards told her that she needed cross-cultural training and she needed to be married before they would send her.  Near the end of high school, this young woman prayed: 

"Lord, I take my hands off my life.  I give you everything.  I don't care about a comfortable life.  I don't care about a safe life.  I'm going to give You my whole life. ... I'm going to do all the training I need.  There is only one thing I need from You: I just need a husband."

She went through Bible college, knowing that it would not prepare her for many other careers, and graduated without a husband, no boyfriend, no prospects.  Then she went to a missionary training school, like a grad school.

On the last night of grad school, she still had no husband, no boyfriend, and no prospects.  She said she sat in her dorm room "an angry young woman", wrestling and struggling with God.

That night, she realized that she had been kidding herself.  Pastor Keller said,

"She was not miserable because she had taken her hands off her life.  She was miserable because she never had. ... She had this idea of a noble, heroic life.  And she was telling God, 'That's the life You've got to give me. ... And here's how You've got to get it for me.'  And she was doing basically everything she could so that she could put God in her debt so He'd have to do it.  And she realized, '... I was using God.  I wasn't serving God!  I was telling [Him] what He had to do!'"  

Dr. Gerstner closed his sermon with this:

"If that girl, who spent a third of her life being ready for missionary service, saying goodbye to everything, to fun, to safety, to comfort - to everything - and thought she had taken her hands off her life, and that night realized she never had done it... do you think you have, then?  I doubt it."

Pastor Keller's conclusion was this:

"She was saying, 'I'll obey if.'  Whatever's on the other side of the 'if' is the real thing you are sacrificing for.  And it's not God."

So what does God want me to do about work, life, ministry, missions, ...?  Only He can answer that question - because I call Him "Lord".  If He thinks this treating new career as tentmaking and going overseas for the gospel will give Him the most glory, He will do it.

I have to get to a point where my future wife/asawa/esposa/moglie/patni/soție/vợ/etc. (for the record, I care a lot less about her ethnicity than you might think) is not the real thing I am sacrificing for, but God alone is.  I think I'm closer but still not there yet.  I was just reminded of that again after I went to a great wedding this weekend and caught the garter during the reception.  I forgot what I was supposed to do with it next.  People wanted pictures with me, and then I left to go to dinner with one of my Bible study groups.  Many people think I'm a good catch - my friends, young ladies' parents, and so on - everyone but the young ladies themselves.  This idol must go.

But I have a lot more peace now than I did a year ago when I was taking large paychecks every other week to exhaust myself in a line of work that I had never prayed about going into.

-----

"... who shall I fear if my Anchor is secure? Learning to consider it pure joy when I'm facing tribulations,
Praising God instead of complaining or getting overtaken with bitterness.
Looking at the pages of the book of James and seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith.
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land,
thirsty for Your mercy and plan while You give me the strength to stand.
You're my greatest pleasure, yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake.
My fragile life is safe under Your sovereign grace. ...
"At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony and through the tragedy asks himself, 'how can this happen to me?'
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on for your dear life
but slip because your grip is not as tight as I might like. ...
When faced with adversity your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease and with words you're turning wind to breeze.
It helps me to understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand.
Through the providence of pain, You perfect Your plan.
Predestined to be tested when the works and the Words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith.
And even though it's obvious, when my outlook's ominous
You've bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness.
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain.
It's profound that with all these sinking ships around me,
He surrounds me and He anchors me with His grace abounding.
"Anchor of my soul, You sustain. You sustain.
When I'm in the storm, You remain. You remain -Good to me, good to me."
- Beautiful Eulogy feat. Josh Garrels, "Anchor".
Thanks YouTube for the lyrics.

-----

"Only when you lose her do you learn to appreciate her. Like even when I'm with her, I'm itching to get rid of her. And she only gives you one shot. Blow it, and she's gone.

"I took advantage of her.  That's why I'm telling you this: you can't rush her - or slow her down. You better keep her by your side, she will slip through your fingers like sand.  Her name is TIME. 

"She told me a secret: that multitasking is a myth; you're not doing anything good, just everything awful. She begged me to stop stretching her thin, and stuffing her full, and stop being so concerned with the old her and future her, but love her NOW!  

"Her presence is God's present.  And you should be that: present."
- Propaganda, "Be Present".

"If I ever lose sight, come and get me."

"And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful."  —Mark 4:18-19.

I haven't touched this blog in a while.  I didn't check the stats for a while, just figured they were declining since I haven't posted anything since late April.  I wondered why I should write if no one's reading it.  The business that I'm starting has really been picking up as I prepare to start looking for clients.  And sometimes the desire to write anything is just not there.

"Find it,somewhere in your soul,
the last bit of strength that will take you on home.
Just find it,
somewhere in your heart,
to put the past in the past and go back to the start...
...
She’s a jewel in your crown.
Don't trade a million-dollar future for a nickel right now!
Mama said leave a place better than you found it
and looking in your eyes, I realize how profound that is.
Dig,
Like there's no tomorrow.
Dig like your living on time that's borrowed.Dig.
Homie, it's in there somewhere.
Dig like your life depends on it, ’cause it does.
Dig."

One of the more significant things during this season was going to "the very last Next".  Going there was a great, refreshing time.  I praise God for how He has used that conference to speak into my life and encourage me.  It's sad that Next is now done for good, but hopefully Sovereign Grace will find other people who can organize a conference like it in the future.  This year, I got to stay up after one of the night sessions and fellowship with a brother who had flown in from Australia to attend the conference.  I also got to spend several sessions and eat with a wonderful group from some Filipino churches around South Florida.  Getting to ride through Orlando while they played Shai Linne's The Attributes of God and while we talked about how the same preachers were being used to convict us of sin and draw us closer to Christ was such a blessing.  I selfishly wish that I could just move so that I could be with them—or so that they could be with me, except for the minor fact that I don't really want to live here because I wouldn't wish something like winter upon anyone resembling a nice person.  My habitat should be the tropics.

Am I Jonah?  Are they my gourd?  Coming up on a year now as a deacon in my local church, I was impacted the most at the conference and especially after it by C.J. Mahaney's message "The Church and Disappointment".  Church life is definitely not like conference life.  At a conference, you can have all kinds of fellowship with people who act like they have all sorts of time to get into the Word and read good books—who, if they were cut, would bleed a mix of Scripture and Spurgeon.  My tone is slightly sarcastic there, but my thankfulness to God for such people is significant.  There's a level of community around them that is common in many churches that have been around for a while, and wonderful to see.

"You can find it!
The wind sings the songs of the dedicated few that wouldn't fall headlong.
Just find it.
Watch me tighten my belt
When the prayers of this rapper is a desperate cry for help.
I desire a higher outcome than weed gets you.
Can't you forgive me?  If I dismiss you, it ain't to diss you
I am not a Rasta; don't let the dreads fool you.
Though I take Jah seriously,
if it's cool let me school you.
Dig!
I can't say I'm not tired.
Felt a little envious of names on flyers.
Empty handed and homesick, though I know my flow’s sick.
If y'all only knew how cold this road gets!
You gotta dig
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me.
you gotta dig."

But can I just be honest?  Aside from Next, I haven't had a day off from both work and ministry since April, haven't gone to the trail since about May, and I'm just tired.  You can't serve anyone if you don't take care of your own spiritual life first.  I feel like most of the time I've been a deacon, I've just been content to "serve God" instead of spending time with God.  Why read and pray when you can count money and put away chairs instead?  But before I was a church member, I was constantly reminding people, "You don't have to be saved to do that."

I'm also concerned for one of the ministries that I'm supposed to be serving.  When our church started, it was the biggest ministry in our church.  Attendance at our Saturday night services was almost as high as the Sunday service's.  But we've been emphasizing serving our own church a lot more this year and stopped doing the Bible study groups that were bringing new people in.  At the same time, several people from our own church who were part of it have had to move.  And we'll lose several more before the end of the year.

I'm concerned for it because the people who are still part of it are excluding people who want to come to our church and be part of our ministry.  The reasons why they're not being welcomed into our church aren't Biblical at all, as far as I can tell.  Although all of our teachers have been doing a great job expounding the Word to the people that still come, our attitude, our laziness, and our approach will probably bring that ministry to its end over time if we don't repent.  But I personally have been too dull to pray for much of anyone or to fast recently.

Several more of my close friends are moving out of the area.  One who had already "left but not really" (I still see him from time to time) invited me to his birthday party with a bunch of people from his new church.  Their church gives free Joel Osteen books to all of their visitors.  Seeing that yesterday felt like a punch in the gut.  One, who's been talking about moving out for as long as I've known him, got a new job over an hour away and is planning to move closer to it because his long commute is making him tired.  Another is a missionary leaving for the field tomorrow.  I probably won't see him again for at least 4 years.  But seeing my friends do full-time missions makes me wonder: why am I not doing it?  Am I really this wrapped up in trying to please my family?  There is so much joy to be had on the front lines of what God is doing.  It's a big reason why I decided to escape the corporate world.

There's been a lot of "I" in this post, not enough of Him.  But hopefully, writing again will serve its purpose to bless others and give me some sort of rest.  The vacation I'm taking in a few days seems like it will really help, as long as I don't take a vacation from God too.  There is a time to work, a time to play, a time to rest.  God gives us enough time to do everything He wants us to do.  But how many other things do we try to cram into our lives to distract us from knowing and doing His will?

"I'm not the artist. I'm the canvas.
Remind me of my own words, though I can't stand it.
Hold me accountable.
Call me on my laziness.
Call by my birth name,
Look me in the face, and dig.
You gotta dig.
and if I ever lose sight, come and get me!
You gotta dig."
— Propaganda and Odd Thomas, "Dig".

Praise God for the Humble Beast guys and everything they're doing to spread His fame.

That real life music...

"Eh, they say hind sight is 20/20.  Well, they're right.  It's behind me.

Back for the third time - you know where to find me!

Hanging on the coat tail of Christ, who designed me -

Keep me off your brain.  In other words, don't mind me. ...

"We ain't in a dream world.  We're spitting that real life.

We live in the real world, and know just what it feels like.

So we're pressing in like steel spikes.

To stand in a fallen world, it don't feel nice.

Eh, even if you're rich or you've got a lot of cash, 

You're still not exempt as everybody's on the map.

We all feel the pressure, heavy burdens on our backs -

Every day, it's still hard, but we're learning like it's class."

- Trip Lee.

My Easter weekend and week was interesting.  My host from the Philippines came into town for a few days during his whirlwind tour of the US, between the end of his semester in law school and his graduation.  We went to some extra services with my church's host church for Holy Week.  It was good to see everyone there and more passionate than they usually are.  On Saturday, we had a Bible study that went late into the night.  Many people who attended the Bible study didn't sleep that night because we had a sunrise service for Easter.

I decided to skip the sunrise service because my still-recurring headaches and jaw pain have given me tremendous trouble sleeping and I was not sure how much sleep I would actually get during the last few hours of Saturday night.  Despite trying many kinds of treatments and sleeping arrangements, I slept through the night only once during a whole month.  During the day, I usually have a dull headache that gets worse as the day goes on, occasionally stabbing pains, pains that shoot around my whole jaw, and popping ears.  It's bad.  Theologically correct or not, I've told some people that everyone in hell has this condition.

So I woke up about an hour later and went to the church that I had visited last Easter.  It was great to be in the presence of almost 4000 other Christians who were passionately worshiping the one true God through songs that echoed Biblical truth.  It felt like going to a conference again.  After the service, I loaded up on books and spent time with a college friend who I had not seen since I visited the same church a year prior.

We shared prayer requests.  I asked him to pray for my career situation, specifically mentioning that I have a desire to do full-time missions in the Philippines but no definite calling on whether I should stay here or drop everything and go there.  He said he would pray for it.

The next day was Monday.  I was back at work.  During two-plus months of this pain, I had not even taken one day off from work, though I've had three emergency dental visits in the last three weeks.  The morning went like a usual morning, with a few meetings.  I let my boss know that I would need to step out in the afternoon for a dental appointment.  He was fine with it.  I started eating lunch at my desk, while still working, while my office mates were out on their lunch break.  I started hearing rumblings about some "1:00 meeting" which I had figured was for a specific project that some others on the team were working on.

Then 1:00 came.  In the middle of lunch, my boss called me into the HR office.  They told me that my performance had not improved enough since my review in January (although all marks on that review were officially good) and I could not work there anymore.  They were seeing my pain as an excuse rather than the root cause why my performance had not improved.  I explained this, but didn't bother to try fighting to keep my job.

I've really been wrestling with whether I should make this post public but anonymous on my blog or private for my Facebook friends.  This is not the first time I have lost my job.  Actually, it's the third.  The first two times, I was laid off for circumstances that were not my fault.  This time, it is officially my fault, though I think others should at least share some blame for it.  But I hate going to church and hearing "How's your job search?" instead of "Hi, how are you?" from so many of my friends.  So I've only told a few of them.

I'm also not sure whether or not I should try to fight to stay in this line of work or not.  The last place made me, occasionally, legitimately hate what I was doing for a living.  I have several choices now.  One is to look for another job - not preferable, but I'm starting to put feelers out anyway.  One is to start freelancing in hopes that it will get successful and I'll be able to live in the Philippines and keep doing it in the future.  One is to do paid work with a nonprofit or charity.  One is to become a missionary to the Philippines - and anyone who has read this blog long enough would know that I have a specific burden for that country.

During the past two weeks, I've mostly just been sleeping a lot.  I hope it is not laziness, but rather a legitimate need to rest after the pain had kept me awake every night for a month.  The pain has subsided to the point where I can function now, though my ears are still popping.  I've been staying in my house for several days at a time and rarely going out anywhere.  It feels like being a hermit.

My relationship with God has seemed distant since Easter.  Due to the pain, I haven't fasted recently; I will try to fast again soon.  And most days, I've woken up and gone straight to my computer to do research for this job hunt / career change / whatever this is going to be.  I've barely prayed about it at all and have barely been in the Word.  You can have a theology blog, be registered to attend another conference in a month, and have a relationship with God that is barely there at all.  I feel ready to worship, but without spending much time with Him - it seems more accurate that I am ready to let out emotion for emotion's sake and call it worship.

A question that keeps coming back to me is: If I stay in this line of work, does that show a lack of faith?  If I stay in America, does it show a lack of faith?  If I start another job that gives me only two weeks a year of vacation (standard in the US), I won't be able to go back to the Philippines until the end of 2013 - if the trip gets approved again.

On the other hand, a friend who is a missionary tweeted earlier this morning encouraging believers to sell all for Christ now.  Another friend who is leaving for South America as a full-time missionary in the summer told me that a trend in his missions organization is to  be an expatriate worker.  That is how a lot of missions to the unreached is being done.  I know several people who expatriated to the Philippines, though their reasons were related more to work than to missions.  There also seems to be a lot of options to teach at schools for missionary kids there, but that seems more like just supporting missions to me rather than being on the front lines.

I know my family wants me to stay in the corporate world, despite my failure there so far.  They don't want me to go and stay in the Philippines.  To many Americans, success equals success in the corporate arena.  To many Filipinos, the same is true.

I hope that whatever decision I make is legitimately surrendered to God and not based on unbelief or fear.  On the way home from work two Mondays ago, I was not crying or screaming at God as I had been after both of my layoffs in previous years.  I was peacefully surrendered to whatever God has for me next - holding my career and ambitions with an open hand and telling Him that I wanted Him to do what He wanted with it.  That's probably the most peace I have had in a while about my direction in life.

Surrender to God must not be a flash in the pan, decided in the moment and then forgotten about.  Whoever leaves anything or anyone for the sake of Christ will receive their reward in eternity:

"Then Peter said to Him, 'Behold, we have left everything and followed You; what then will there be for us?' And Jesus said to them, 'Truly I say to you, that you who have followed Me, in the regeneration when the Son of Man will sit on His glorious throne, you also shall sit upon twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name’s sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last; and the last, first.'"  (Matthew 19:27-30)

My copy of Let the Nations Be Glad arrived a few days ago.  I have read only a few pages in the preface so far and have tried to really dwell on what is being said:

"All the earth-shaking awesome forces unleashed on the world are released by the Lord Jesus Christ.  He reigns today.  He is in the control room of the universe.  He is the only Ultimate Cause; all the sins of man and machinations of Satan ultimately have to enhance the glory and kingdom of our Saviour.  This is true of our world today - in wars, famines, earthquakes, or the evil that apparently has the ascendancy.  We have become too enemy-conscious, and can over-do the spiritual warfare aspect of intercession.  We need to be more God-conscious, so that we can laugh the laugh of faith knowing that we have power over all the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19).  He has already lost control because of Calvary where the Lamb was slain.  What confidence and rest of heart this gives us as we face a world in turmoil and such spiritual need."
- Patrick Johnstone, Operation World.

Regardless of how we choose to promote Him, we must promote Him.  The Lamb will receive the full reward of His suffering.  Don't we want to be used in that great cause?

"9 After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; 10 and they cry out with a loud voice, saying,
   “Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” 11 And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying,
   “Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen.”
 13 Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, “These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?” 14 I said to him, “My lord, you know.” And he said to me, “These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15 For this reason, they are before the throne of God; and they serve Him day and night in His temple; and He who sits on the throne will spread His tabernacle over them. 16 They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; 17 for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”"
- Revelation 7:9-17.

Sunday is only a shadow.

The Heart of a Church Planter

If you have read my posts from several years ago, you may have noticed that I have been championing the cause of Biblical manhood and womanhood for a few years.  I used to compare myself to most of my friends and say that I was one of the most advanced "men" among them because I had a lot of the books and listened to a lot of the sermons.  Lately, I've gone through somewhat of a season of humbling regarding how advanced I am in this.

Andy Mineo's verse in 116 Clique's "Man Up Anthem" has a line which continues to stick in my head after I listen to it:
"Yeah, being a man's got nothing to do with age.
You can be a boy til the day you lay in your grave.
None of us behave like the image of who we're made.
'Cause we're fallen away - it's better known as depraved
Running from responsibility - really we crave
The easy way out of places that call us to pull our weight
Man they blowing through everyday decisions are made,
Responding to the call God's giving 'em from the gate."

The places that call me to pull my weight right now are work and ministry.  Regarding work, I'm admittedly "running out of time to make a sentimental plea".  My job is very mentally intensive, which is part of the reason why I do most of my sacred reading and writing on the weekends.  And my health has not been good this year.  After my trip to the Philippines, I had more jet lag than I have ever had and fell ill for about 2 weeks while I recovered from that.  Then I felt well for about a week or so.  Then, due to ongoing dental treatment with several different dentists, I have had terrible headaches for the past month and a half and counting.  I've needed a lot more help than I would like to ask for at work.  And my already average at best performance has gotten worse.  I sense a desire to go on vacation again and escape the responsibility for a little while.  But this is taking the easy way out of places that call me to pull my weight.  And if I do this to get away from responsibility, I am not manning up.

In ministry, I've noticed that I have mostly been choosing the aspects of my role in the church that do not involve much relation to other people.  But I am called to pull my weight in relating to others.  I am not exempt from sharing the gospel or from ministering directly to the needs of others.  God calls every believer to this role.

Today, I have been realizing that no local church will be exactly like I want it to be.  My church is historically Filipino with a lot of Filipino-Americans and some others.  We are still a small church that meets most definitions of a church plant.  I relate much better to the Filipinos than the Filipino-Americans do.  I can speak a good deal of Tagalog, embrace their culture wholeheartedly, and have been to the Philippines.  Some of the Fil-Ams are much harder for me to relate to.  I don't quite understand or know much about some of the cultural identity that they bring to the table.  So after the Saturday night service, I mostly hope that certain other guys will be there and I can talk with them.  Or it might be like last night, where I couldn't even really join a conversation.  But how sinful is my heart for choosing who I want to minister to?

Part of the regression in my path toward manhood has, no doubt, been due to the lack of examples of godly manhood among my friends in this world.  Other than my pastor, who is just a few years older than I am (more kuya than tito), I can't point to anyone in my church as a godly man who exemplifies Biblical manhood in both work, ministry, and family life - and, most importantly, in affections for Jesus Christ.

I have to say it's my own fault too!  I have a heart for helping pastors to establish Biblical churches in areas that do not have them.  Naturally, a new or restarted church plant will not always have a mature core of charter members who bring all of the strengths that their church needs to have.  Just as our physical bodies will break down and betray us more and more until we meet our Lord Jesus Christ, we should not expect the body of Christ to be perfect here on earth.  We tend to look at churches like Bethlehem Baptist Church (John Piper and soon to be Jason Meyer), Grace Community Church (John MacArthur), Covenant Life Church (Joshua Harris), and other churches like these and expect our smaller local churches to have all the same strengths that they do.  But for each one of these, there are tens or probably hundreds of smaller churches that are wondering why they are not this successful in the eyes of men.

You should follow me on Twitter here.

Recent Meditations: What I Have Been Listening To (March 2012)

"This is the end of my show.  This is the end, I know.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd.
I know these chains had me trapped for a while.
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile.
I need a Savior to crack through the clouds.
Shows over - gotta turn my back to the crowd."

"I can't perform no more. (eh eh)
Can't do these chores no more. (eh eh)
I'm feeling like I'm sick.  It's silly, so I quit.
That's it, I just can't try to please the Lord no more.
Cause really I'm sick of trying to make Him like me more. (you feel me)
Cause every day I've got a fight in store.
I'm guilty, so when I play I never like to score.
No good in me, and I'm sick of my plight - I'm poor.
They told me homie (whaa) the Christian life is better (word)
But they said to be holy and perform for His pleasure.
But now I'm feeling torn, cause the Lord is my treasure,
But I fall and feel scorned when I can't get it together.
But then something clicked.  It's crazy I ignored this:
But even when I slip, this ain't based on my performance.
Christ was equipped, ran a race with endurance.
When His flesh was hit, His righteousness was my assurance. (yea!)

"I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect, listen to the claps from the crowd.
I know them chains had me trapped for a while.
That's in my past.  I'm relaxed in Him now.
Christ my Saviour - He cracked through the clouds.
Did it perfect.  Listen to the claps from the crowd."
- Trip Lee, "Show's Over".

-----

"One God, one hope, one Winner
That shouldn't have taken claim to us sinners.
Jesus, forgive us.  We won't give up
'Cause you give life to us.  Now we're lit up
And we testify that we're rectified
By the sin that crept inside to let us die
Our fleshly pride and messy lives
We didn't deliver us.  We were rescued by You,
Who has all power and all presence to save us.  You're gracious.
And when the eyes of our hearts see You, You truly amaze us.
You were clothed in our shortcomings, so we would
Overcome in fullness, in a way a King could
We could have never climbed that hill.
We never would have got that far.
We would have gave up for real as soon as things started getting hard.
But You overcame. We know You reign.
You hold our shame and throw it in the ocean,
And You sealed us with Your holy flame."
- Dillon Chase, "You Overcame".

-----

"Man, I know that I'm insecure.
Do really You think I want to walk around like this? 
I'm tired and I'm sick and tired man I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody.  I'm tired of this.

"From the morning when I'm picking out my clothes
To the moment when I walk up out that door,
My pride is shooting up to the roof top,
While the self esteem finds its way to floor.

"Man, I know I've got problems,
And I ain't [fixing to] sit and try to hide them.
So I am [going to] take this beat and just ride it,
And tell the world what I've been finding.

"You've done seen my issues:
Insecure, but I'm not gonna sit through
Another day where I can't break
The habit where I try to please anybody.
Now I've gotta break loose:

"Growing is so hostile.  It's seeming freaking impossible.
You're trying to TAKE the time to mature, but satan will rob you ...

"... One day, Canon will get up,
Say goodbye to dat picture.
Personally separate the simpleton, split up.
Personality changing: the old Canon, I trashed that. ...

"But I'm like a pistol: getting ready to kill the problem.
My adrenaline rush got a little bit of buzz from looking into the closet of problems.
And I've got options. Well, really, one option is to be honest
And see how God has been glorified with myself as the target.
My struggle is pride.  It's so deep down inside.
And I'm tired of the entire way I'm inclined.
I just wanna see such perfection.  
I know I'm just a bride.  I'm the opposite of my husband.  He's perfect. He's a lion -
King lion.  And I ain't lying.
Really I'm sick of trying. I know I ain't perfect at being perfect - 'cause I'm blind,
I notice my instincts, knowing that, yes y'all, my end stinks.
My entire facade is my account.  It's empty.
So, Lord, build me higher than what Bob was building.
Raise me, to the bar higher than all ceilings.
The sky is never my limit, since my Father's the real thing.
So I'm burning this mask, so can you witness the real me."
- from Canon, "Man in the Mirror".

There are (almost) no poor people in America.

My apologies for not writing for the past 3 Sundays.  I emerged from several hard work weeks without any writing ideas or much desire to write.  I was going through a spiritual dry season as winter wound down here.  It is good that I do not live in northern Canada, where it snows every month but July. :-)  For the past several years, winter has been a very hard season for me.  Two winters in a row, I went through layoffs at work.  In winter of last year, I was going through the end of a courtship - recurring despondency that was only starting  to heal in the fall, but by then the despondency merely shifted focus toward my poor performance at work, where it stayed through this winter.  Also, due to health reasons, I could not hike or fast during the winter this year.  Yesterday was the first day that I could fast in 3 months.  And how good it was to be back on the trail!

Over time, I'll write more about my trip to the Philippines.  For now, I want to zero in on one recurring thought that I have had since before I went.  It has only gotten stronger since I came back.

There are no poor people in America.  Or, at least, there are very, very few of them.

I pay little attention to politics.  People all over this country get very riled up listening to talk show hosts, whose job is merely to make people mad at the government when they have only an infinitesimal capacity to change anything about it.  So I don't really know much about the Occupy protests except that they are "the 99%" - the "poor" people in America - protesting against "the 1%" - the richest people in America.

This is where it helps to have a worldview that includes as much of the world as possible - not just your own country or your own friends.

In the Philippines, I got to meet both of my current sponsored children and my past sponsored child, who had left the program because his family's financial situation improved.  The two youngest kids met me in the Mall of Asia.  This was like bringing them into my world.  With my oldest sponsored child, who is now college-age, I went into his world and visited his home.  Compassion/World Vision sponsors, this is a significant experience.  Do it if you have the chance.

The only way to get to this young man's house is on foot.  My driver, his assistant pastor, parked his van outside the neighborhood after he had driven it as close as he could.  We walked back down a road that could barely accommodate the van - really more like an alley.  And then we found his house.

Many houses here in the States have decorative front doors with windows that let in light but are not designed to be seen out of or into.  My sponsored young man's house doesn't even have a door.  He has a gun that he uses to shoot stray animals that walk into the house, as well as a mosquito zapper.  A makeshift door separates their bathroom from the rest of their house.  The rest of the house is one room with a dirt floor.  The roof is made of tarps.  Where the tarps have failed, many buckets are tied up to collect rainwater.  One of the few things they have going for them is that they live at a higher altitude than the surrounding area, so they weren't flooded out by Typhoon Ondoy a few years ago.

The house has two wooden beds in it with no mattresses.  Eight people live there: the father and mother, plus their six sons.  All the clothes they seem to have remain on two clotheslines outside the house.  When his father's company closed last year, my sponsored young man had to stop going to college to take a five-month temp job to support his whole family, because two of his older brothers are also in college and closer to graduating.  His mother works at a canteen in a school in their neighborhood, selling refreshments.  She makes 100 pesos a day, which is about $2.50.  This is only enough to pay their light bill in a small house with a minimal amount of electricity.  I spend three or four times her daily wage to go out to dinner - several times a week.

Even more staggering to me is that $2.50 is actually two times the World Bank's most recent figure for the international poverty line: $1.25 a day. If my sponsored young man and his family of eight have to only live on this, how can so many people in the world live on less?  They'd practically have to be starving.  Over 20% of Filipinos and over 60% of people in many countries in Africa live on less than $1.25 a day.  And most Americans think "poverty" means that they can't afford an Xbox 360 or the best TV on the market.

Also surprising is the high level of division between the haves and the have-nots in Philippine society.  It's true in American society too, but we notice it less because our "poor" people, in most cases, have everything that they actually need.  Many rich people in the Philippines live in gated communities with security guards who have to know who you are in the neighborhood to see.  They don't seem to want anything to do with the poor people that surround them in Metro Manila and the neighboring provinces.  Poor people there tend to, at best, be househelps who get to stay with rich people in houses that they can't afford to buy themselves, so that they can take care of the children of these rich people who often work much harder than they need to in order to provide both their needs and their wants.  Americans do the same thing with daycare.  But most of the poor people in the Philippines go mostly unnoticed - or at least unnoticed in positive ways - by the rich people.  There seems to be a division in their body of Christ between churches that try to minister to rich people and churches that try to minister to poor people, but don't we also do that to some extent in America?

Getting back from the Philippines was a hard adjustment.  I took an airline that I fell in love with during this trip and ate great food as I made the difficult journey west to east.  After two days with no sleep during the travel, I slept in my own bed again, which I did not have to share with anyone else.  I went back to work the day after I landed and received some difficult words in my annual performance review.  And my way of thinking became American again rather quickly: why did I get such a small raise?

There are heart issues here as well.  Hebrews 13:5 directs us to "Keep yourselves free from the love of money."  I think God has used this trip to the Philippines to expose my own love of money, when I thought I was being generous in giving to the poor and practicing wartime living.  In reality, I have some of my dad's tendency to give a lot to charity and missions so that we can pay less in taxes to the government.  But Jesus said, "Whose image is on that coin?"  When we file our taxes, we watch our estimated refunds go up and up until we are done and wonder what we will blow the money on when we get it.  So in giving to others, we really want to just bless ourselves.

In my case, the ATMs I use always tell me my account balance when I take money out.  Single and saving for a house, I am looking to pay cash for a small house so that I can live below my means and use as much of my income as I can to advance the gospel.  But as my balances get bigger, so does my head.  So does my pride in what I have accomplished so far.  So does my desire to invest and reach my goal faster.  So does my mentality that money is a significant motivator for my being in my line of work.  So my testimony in the workplace degrades to, "Man, my dream car is an Aston Martin One-77!"  You could sell a new Aston Martin One-77 or Bugatti Veyron and take almost everyone in my sponsored young man's entire city out to dinner.  And his city has over half a million people.  Why do we chase things that are so useless and excessive?

My pastor has been preaching through the book of James in our Saturday night services for young adults.  Last night, he preached through James 2:1-7, a text about favoritism:

1 My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. 2 For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, 3 and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and you say to the poor man, “You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool,” 4 have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives? 5 Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor man. Is it not the rich who oppress you and personally drag you into court? 7 Do they not blaspheme the fair name by which you have been called?

Several of his points included:
1.  You can hold the faith that God saved you with in a way that does not please God! (v.1)
2.  Do you care about people outside your own generation or small group in your church?
3.  God chose poor believers to be rich in faith toward God and heirs to the Kingdom of God. (v. 5)
4.  The fact that you dishonored this poor man negates all the books you read (Piper, Sproul, etc.) and all the Bible studies you go to. (v. 6)

A gold ring and fine (like sequins and bling) clothes reflect a super-rich status.  These are celebrities.  "Come to my church because Manny Pacquiao goes here."  "Come to my church because so-and-so is preaching today."  A poor man in shabby clothes is "dirt upon dirt upon dirt".  If we favor rich people over poor people within the body of Christ, or make any other kind of favoritism distinction within the body, we become hypocrites - judges with evil motives (thoughts) (v.4).

These poor believers are "rich in faith" toward God.  Their God is the same God as the God of the people who are rich in finances.  But they are more able to see that God is more valuable than possessions.  Living in America, we are more (or only) concerned about what we can get.  "See what God is doing with the have-nots!"

These poor believers are also "heirs to the Kingdom of God."  One of the most beautiful chapters in the Bible, Romans 8, begins with the precious statement, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  It spells out several facets of our common identity in Christ that we cannot ignore.  We have the Spirit of Christ in us (v. 9).  We are adopted as children of the Most High God (vv. 15-16).  And we are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ (v. 17).  Regardless of our income level, our ethnicity, our intellect, our spiritual qualifications, our popularity - God has made us co-heirs with His only begotten Son.  "God prides Himself in saving you."

But what can poorer believers gain from us if all we do is spout doctrine?  We can have all mysteries and knowledge and yet be nothing if we show it without love (v. 2).  What can they gain from our slactivism, changing our Facebook profile pictures in support of their cause so that we feel good about it and make people sad about it?  These people have real needs which must be met.  If you are in America, you most likely do have the resources to help them.

"I don't want to just talk. I've got to show,
'Cause I've got a couple brothers in the hospital
And I've got a couple brothers from across the globe:
Poor or sick, with joy - you've got to know.
Feeling bad, you tell them, 'I want to pray for you'
But they feel worse, saying they want to pray for you.
Oh, you're thinking we've got it worse?  It's a mistake for you.
Living in America is what's great to you.
No hating you.  Prosperity's replaced the truth
When God is only enough, when He's gracin' you.
Y'all don't value faith.  You only value what your faith can do.
Y'all love to eat, but hate on the Person who made the food.
So I'll pray for you, but let's make a truce:
When famine hits, you won't ignore the light like an ambulance.
Hold on to the Savior, even in the midst of your affliction.
Remember our condition.  Your affliction's your chance to witness!"
- KB, "Enough".

I Have Not Love: A Poem on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Let's say I can write by hand in any script:
Latin, Cyrillic, Indic, Chinese,
And speak the words of any of these,
Be a polyglot with a pile of degrees
And teach others to do the same -
An intellectual exercise -
So that we can pat ourselves on the cranium for our fine accomplishments -
As others do in music, sciences, and the arts:
I forgot the most important part -
The most excellent way.

Were angels good enough as I,
They could speak the tongues of men and their own in the sky -
As useless as an endless recitation of pi
To a two-year-old - if we have not love.
A gong's clang, a cymbal's crash -
It sounds like a late afternoon's dash
Through the metropolis,
As the motorway's educated ideologists
Contribute their own sounds to a cacophony -
Ever crazier, blowing horns of various pitches,
Screaming sarcastic ne'er-too-well wishes,
Passing highway salutes to all -
And having not love!

Or I could be a mysterious man -
A prediction-gifted prince trapped in an ivory tower,
With nothing but my answers to each mystery keeping me company,
Thinking that my facts keep the world functioning
And doctrine is power,
Waiting for a similar princess to give me a flower -
When I am really just a frog this hour -
Who has not love!

Or a man with faith - and not even a dreamer,
I dreamt Olympus Mons and Everest were cast down to the sea just because God wanted them to be
And my church grew and sparkled and gleamed
In radiance: "Let all who are simple come in here"
And get programs, sound preaching, even tears
In worship of the one true God with thousands
While I only have the means and miss the end -
Christ - the source - All things made by, through, and for -
Yet I, with Sardis' heart, have not love!

Or a man with wealth - gold on top of gold
On top of platinum, on top of titanium, encrusted with diamonds -
Super Bowl rings are made from me! -
And yet I radically obey
Give it all away to feed the entire world -
For ten thousand spans of life -
And I live as a jolly average soul
And enjoy the tax breaks -
Or if I give my body from my fame
To be swallowed in ever-climbing flames
"For the sake of Your holy, precious name" -
And have not love?

I am nothing.
The Creator of music calls me noise.
The Author of knowledge deems me a fool.
The Source of true prophecy declares me a fraud.
The God of compassion says I poisoned the least of these.
The Lord who bid me come and die sees no gain in my loss.
I would be better off to never live than to never love -
As He tears the veil and shows -
I have not love -
Nor Him who is it.
In the end, none will twist His perfect love
To point back to themselves and steal His glory.

Let not the sophic man boast of his scholarship
Or the sculpted strut of his sinew
Or the opulent vaunt of his affluence
But let anyone -
Learned or simple,
Atlas' arm or Achilles' heel,
Living large or destitute -
Boast in this:
That they understand and know
Their Maker, the Source of love.

-----

The texts for this poem, as taken from the New American Standard Bible, are below.  Emphasis mine:

1 Corinthians 13:1-3:
 1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Jeremiah 9:23-24:

23 Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 6

51.  I am seeking for the generations before and after me to praise the Lord.  It bothers me to see people who name the name of Christ wasting their lives on all sorts of trivial pursuits and idols, to see them constantly profaning the name of my Jesus by not deeming Him worthy of all praise and adoration.  God did not consume me with the desire to make much of Him in order for that to only remain personal.  Far from it; He has also awakened me to the need of others - both old and young, from every kind of cultural background - to praise Him with their mouths and lives.  "It is the Biblical duty of every generation of Christians to see to it that the next generation hears about the mighty acts of God. God does not drop a new Bible from heaven on every generation. He intends that the older generation will teach the newer generation to read and think and trust and obey and rejoice. It's true that God draws near personally to every new generation of believers, but he does so through the Biblical truth that they learn from the preceding generations. The Spirit comes down vertically (you might say) where the truth of God is imparted horizontally." - John Piper, "One Generation Shall Praise Your Works to Another".  (Psalm 79:13)

52.  I am called to participate in the Lord's mission of reaching every tribe, tongue, and nation on the planet with the gospel.  All Christians are part of a "royal priesthood", called to take the good news of Jesus Christ to those who do not know Him.  Whether I am called to stay where I am and pray for missionaries, or to take the gospel to a place where the flag of Zion does not yet fly, I have a job to do in world missions.  Whether I am able to see God save anyone before my eyes or not, I know that He has promised to save souls from every tribe, tongue, and nation; and I know that, as the only all-powerful God, He will not fail in carrying that out.  (Psalm 145:13; Revelation 5:9; 1 Peter 2:9)

53.  I am an undeserving recipient of the great gift of salvation.  Scripture says that the Lord saved me not because of my righteous works, which were filthy in His sight before He saved me, but because of His mercy.  He grants salvation even to corrupt tax collectors, adultresses, and murderers, saying, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" - the sick in sin.  Even though I have stumbled in ways that American Christendom would consider much more minor, I see how serious my sins are and how much I need Christ's forgiveness.  And those who God forgives of much love Him all the more and praise Him all the more.  Seeing those who have been saved out of a life of lawless deeds is indeed, a great encouragement to my heart.  I can wrongly consider them to still be thieves, drunkards, liars, and idolaters; or I can apply some of the most beautiful words in Scripture to them: "And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God."  (Titus 3:5; Isaiah 64:6; Matthew 9:9-13; Luke 7:47)

54.  I am able to witness answered prayer, and I do not need to be anyone special to do that.  Since I can make requests to the Father through Christ my Mediator, I am on equal footing in this regard with any other Christian.  Elijah prayed fervently that it would not rain for 3 1/2 years.  Asking in faith and according to God's will, God granted his request.  And Scripture said Elijah was not Superman, but a regular man just like me.  (James 5:17; 1 John 5:14)

55.  I am misunderstood by the world.  I follow a Savior who, like me, honored His Father as He lived in this world, and was therefore rejected by the world.  The Lord has chosen me out of the world.  Therefore, the world, which hated Christ first, will see that I am not one of their own and will hate me also.  "Let the world despise and leave me.  They have left my Savior too." - Henry Lyte.  "Don't follow a defeated foe. Follow Christ.  It is costly.  You will be an exile in this age.  But you will be free." - John Piper.  (John 1:10-11; John 15:18-19)

56.  I am a branch attached to Christ, the vine.  He is my source of nourishment and ensures my continued life.  Continuing to abide in Him verifies that I am in Him.  "The plant world was created to be to man an object lesson teaching him his entire dependence upon God, and his security in that dependence. ...  what is its secret? Be wholly occupied with Jesus. Sink the roots of your being in faith and love and obedience deep down into Him. Come away out of every other place to abide here. Give up everything for the inconceivable privilege of being a branch on earth of the glorified Son of God in Heaven. Let Christ be first. Let Christ be all. Do not be occupied with the abiding--be occupied with Christ!" - Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ.  (John 15:5)

57.  I am pruned by the Father.  This, too, proves that I am in Christ.  Pruning is painful, since it can cut off things from my life that were living, that were bearing fruit, that I thought were good.  But the Father knows best, and He will do with me as He sees fit in order that He will be most glorified in me.  Thus I can praise Him even in these seasons.  "And even fruitful branches need pruning; for the best have notions, passions, and humours, that require to be taken away, which Christ has promised to forward the sanctification of believers, they will be thankful, for them." - Matthew Henry.  (John 15:2)

58.  I am saved by a living Savior, who defeated death and appeared alive again to over five hundred eyewitnesses before ascending to Heaven.  I rejoice that His tomb is empty!  "He’s indescribable! He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hand. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him. Well, the Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him, and the grave couldn’t hold Him. ... That's my King!" - S.M. Lockridge, "That's My King".  (Luke 24:5-7; 1 Corinthians 15:6)

59.  I am aiming to please the Lord for however long He would have me live.  Whether I live another hundred years or just one more second, whether I should fall ill and be healed like King Hezekiah or taken home, my times are in His hands.  Truly, "All the days ordained for me were written in [His] book before one of them came to be."  I am given today to use this life on earth for His glory.  "If life be long, I will be glad that I may long obey. / If short, yet why should I be sad to soar to endless day?" - Richard Baxter.  (Philippians 1:21; Psalm 33:15-16)

60.  I am going to spend eternity praising my Creator.  How much more beautiful than the new heaven's streets and gates is the Author of the salvation of countless souls, seated on the throne, accompanied by four living creatures who spend eternity declaring His thrice-holiness!  I will not praise the new creation, but Him Who made it.  We will not need the sun or man-made lights to light our way, because the glory of the Lord Himself will be the light.  "Heaven is rightly called, 'Glory'." - C.H. Spurgeon.  (Revelation 4:6-11; Revelation 7:10; Revelation 21:23)

Identities of a Christian Pilgrim in a Fallen World, Part 5

41.  I am seeking to sense the presence of God and to behold His beauty.  Although in my sin nature I hated Him, God has made Himself so sweet to me that I want to destroy every act and thought of disobedience in my life that keeps me from the boundless joys of knowing Him.  Knowing Him here on earth is like experiencing something of the joys of heaven as I walk in this fallen world.  "He has destined you to something better than a short-lived blessedness, to be enjoyed only in times of special earnestness and prayer and then to pass away as you returned to those duties in which the far greater part of life has to be spent." - Andrew Murray.   (Psalm 27:4)

42.  I am given assurance of my salvation based on the work that God is doing in my life.  He has not left me the same since my conversion.  The knowledge of Him is also experiential and felt; it is not just knowing facts about Him or believing the right things.  "The life of God in the soul authenticates itself. It brings with it its own evidence. Is it possible that a believer can be a subject of the quickening grace of the Holy Spirit, and not know it? Possess union with Christ, and not know it? The pardon of sin, and not know it? Communion with God, and not know it? Breathing after holiness, and not know it? Impossible!" - Octavius Winslow.  (1 John 3:14)

43.  I am more blessed when I have little wealth than an unconverted man when he is very materially rich.  All the world's wealth does is blind me.  If wealth distracts me from loving Christ, I would rather have nothing, because the Lord is a far greater blessing.  And a man who lives to acquire a great deal of wealth in this world and does not repent of his sins will have nothing when he spends eternity in hell.  "Paul was a prisoner, sick, bruised, and very poor.  But he rejoiced in the Lord and did not ask for more." - Dillon Chase, "Dive In".  (Psalm 37:16)

44.  I am upheld by the King of Glory as I go through trials in life and suffer for His name's sake.  As He continues to break me and rid me of idols, He gives me a progressively clearer picture that His grace is sufficient.  The word "sufficient" is beautiful because logicians relate it to the word "necessary".  "Necessary" means that something must be there.  "Sufficient" means that it is the only thing you need.  God describes His grace as sufficient.  "When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace - all-sufficient - will be thy supply.  The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design: thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine." - John Rippon.  (2 Corinthians 12:9; Psalm 66:8-10)

45.  I am constantly fighting in a spiritual battle for the truth of God to be passed down to the next generation.  Though it may seem that the false doctrines that many are teaching today are new, Biblical Christianity has faced false teaching throughout its history - and false prophets both before and since Christ.  God has always preserved His Word and allowed His truth to continue being passed to people yet unborn.  I have a responsibility for living out and upholding sound doctrine in my life, and not tolerating those who proclaim a different gospel.  (Psalm 22:30-31; Jeremiah 14:14; Revelation 2:20)

46.  I am living in a war and thus called to live a wartime lifestyle.  Far from the romantic, white picket fence "simple life", the wartime lifestyle requires sacrifice, discipline, and support from the other troops on my side.  As Martin Luther said, "A faith that costs nothing and demands nothing is worth nothing."  I must truly give up the things in this life that I consider mine and chase Christ relentlessly.  If I do that, the Lord has a certain promise to me: I will find Him.  (Mark 8:35; Jeremiah 29:13; paraphrases from Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper)

47.  I am seeking to glorify God, so I cannot be a habitual self-promoter.  When I seek glory for myself, I eventually must realize that it is not mine to seek - and repent.  An infinitely faithful God has loved me - a sinner, who can only praise Him inconsistently at best - with an everlasting love.  He deserves all of my praise.  "Self cannot possibly exist in this atmosphere; all along it must be crucified ... Have no illusion about this. If you think it is a life in which you are going to make a great name, and be praised, and one in which you are going to be made wonderful, you may as well stop at this point and go back to the beginning, for he who would enter by this gate must say goodbye to self." - Martyn Lloyd-Jones.  (Psalm 115:1)

48.  I am to praise the Lord for all of my life, and even with my dying breath.  He is forever worthy of that.  "Praise is the rehearsal of our eternal song.  By grace we learn to sing, and in glory we continue to sing.  What will some of you do when you get to Heaven, if you go on grumbling all the way?  Do not hope to get to heaven in that style.  But begin now to bless the name of the Lord." - Charles Spurgeon.  (Psalm 146:2)

49.  I am able to see that the Lord really is all I need.  Even when my work produces nothing and I have no possessions, it becomes more apparent to me that the Lord is my source of strength.  "When our needs are permitted to grow to an extremity, and all visible hopes fail, then to have relief given wonderfully enhances the price of such a mercy." - John Flavel.  (Habakkuk 3:17-18; Isaiah 41:17-18)

50.  I am able to glorify God by obeying earthly rulers who do not love Him.  God allows me to not be afraid when those around me, including those in political power, do not please the Lord.  In areas of the world where He is not being worshiped, He will draw men to Himself from every tribe, tongue, and nation.  All leaders, including those who are not believers, are appointed by God.  I am concerned when I see God's law being broken, but God will act as He sees fit.  As for me, my responsibility is to commit my way to the Lord and delight in Him.  "I take my share in earthly politics, earthly labor, even earthly pain.  But let's be clear.  I am no Earthling.  I'm an alien." - Lecrae.  (Psalm 119:126; Psalm 37:5; Revelation 5:9)